Was she born in 1904 or 1912? Box says differently from lede.
One of those blasted cases where secondary sources differ from her own account. SHE says she was born in 1904. I have corrected the lede. DoneSusunW (
talk)
16:49, 13 February 2016 (UTC)reply
"After completing her education in the United States, in 1946 she returned to Liberia, where she contributed much to the cultural and social life of the country through her active career at the national university and her establishment of related cultural institutions." -a bit long, is there a link for the national university too?
I've shortened it to say "she returned to Liberia in 1946, where she contributed much to the cultural and social life of the country." The link to the university is further down, where I think it is more important. DoneSusunW (
talk)
17:00, 13 February 2016 (UTC)reply
IMO too much detail the circumstances of her education in the lede, and where I'd really want to know (the American universities she studied at) you don't mention them. Perhaps shorten to "In 1922 she accompanied her father to Hamburg, Germany, where she completed her studies in medicine at the University of Hamburg in 1937. She moved to the United States for further education, studying sociology and anthropology at xxx. While in the US, she collaborated on a dictionary of the Vai language and wrote her autobiography, though a legal battle ensued over the rights to her story.
"Serving as director and then dean of the Liberal Arts College, Massaquoi was committed to cultural preservation and expansion. " -do you mean at the college or in the general country? Perhaps add "national" before cultural if so.
"Serving as director and then dean of the Liberal Arts College, Massaquoi was committed to cultural preservation and expansion. She was the founding director of the Institute of African Studies, co-founded the Society of Liberian Authors, helped abolish the practice of usurping African names for Westernized versions, and worked towards standardization of the Vai script." -i would reword to: Committed to national cultural preservation and expansion, Massaquoi served as the then dean of the Liberal Arts College, and was the founding director of the Institute of African Studies. She co-founded the Society of Liberian Authors, helped abolish the practice of usurping African names for Westernized versions, and worked towards standardization of the Vai script."
" This caused her considerable pain, hampering her ability to play the violin, although she later became a highly competent player" -not clear if this was terminal or just temporary.
"She went with him to Hamburg in 1922, where she lived at the consulate at 22 Johnsallee and received her primary school education at St. Anschar Höhere Mädchenschule, quickly mastering German.[6]" -new sentence before "received".
Changed it to read " She went with him to Hamburg in 1922, where she lived at the consulate at 22 Johnsallee. Receiving her primary school education at St. Anschar Höhere Mädchenschule, Massaquoi quickly mastered German." DoneSusunW (
talk)
17:37, 13 February 2016 (UTC)reply
"attending the Helen Lange Schule where " -add comma before "where"
Not sure what you meant here, but have changed the sentence to state "Massaquoi arrived that same year in the United States and experienced the racial segregation and Jim Crow laws of the Southern States." DoneSusunW (
talk)
18:04, 13 February 2016 (UTC)reply
"She had agreed to accept the fellowship as a linguistic advisor, after her father died in 1938.[20]" -not sure why the past perfect tense is used here.
"In a letter dated 22 February 1944, Watkins writes that he encouraged her to write the "story of her life as a tribal child, in contact with and reaction to European culture as represented in Monrovia and the mission school, life and education in Germany and Switzerland; life in America".[17] Massaquoi finished writing the work in 1940, but was told that the English needed editing." -strange quote and context to use it. I wouldn't quote this personally and find a way to reword/paraphrase the whole thing, especially as the chronology is off. I would say something like, In 1940, Massaqoi finished writing an autobiogrpahical account of her early life as a tribal child, and life experiences with Europeans and education in Germany and Switzerland. Watkins later claimed in a 1944 letter that she had written the account upon his insistence."
"attempted to get the manuscript returned," -get and returned don't work here, needs rewording
Well maybe not in British English, but in Southernese... I've amended to "When Massaquoi attempted to retrieve her manuscript" DoneSusunW (
talk)
18:04, 13 February 2016 (UTC)reply
"Thanks to her extensive travels and education, she spoke several languages—at least eight and four tribal dialects." I think the tense isn't quite right here following on from the other sentence, perhaps add "by this time" before "she spoke"
"In 1946, the Liberian president
William Tubman invited Massaquoi to return to the country to help him establish a university. She returned on 13 October 1946 and, in March 1947, became Professor of French and Science at
Liberia College, later the University of Liberia. Her university career extended until 1972. She was also director (1956), then dean (1960), of the Liberal Arts College, founding director of the Institute of African Studies and cofounder of the Society of Liberian Authors.[1]" -needs a reword all this, Try "Upon the invitiation of president
William Tubman, Massaquoi returned to Liberia on 13 October 1946 to help him establish a university. She became Professor of French and Science at
Liberia College, later the University of Liberia, in March 1947. Her university career extended until 1972. She was also director (1956), then dean (1960), of the Liberal Arts College, founding director of the Institute of African Studies and cofounder of the Society of Liberian Authors.[1]"
"She actively contributed to the cultural and social development of Liberia, not least by promoting the standardization of the Vai script at a seminar she organized in 1962.[10][25] She also founded and headed the Institute of African studies.[1]" -this doesn't flow in the second paragraph, part of it seems repeated from the above paragraph. I would find a way to reword and merge to improve flow and concision.
added "Tamba M’bayo of
West Virginia University, stated: “The strengths of this autobiography could be gauged at two or more different levels. First, its down-to-heart and honest account of even the most disturbing personal experiences…Second the larger canvas of Sierra Leonean and Liberian cultural and ethno-linguistic history in which Fatima’s story is told. Rich in content and well orchestrated…” " DoneSusunW (
talk)
19:48, 13 February 2016 (UTC)reply
Awards
Always dislike bullet points for this sort of thing. I think you should probably create a Death, honors/legacy section and mention accolades and the book publishing in prose in one section.
Dr. Blofeld Thank you, as always for the thorough review. I believe I have addressed all of your points, though some I took some license with. Should anything further be needed, please ping me.
SusunW (
talk)
19:48, 13 February 2016 (UTC)reply
Was she born in 1904 or 1912? Box says differently from lede.
One of those blasted cases where secondary sources differ from her own account. SHE says she was born in 1904. I have corrected the lede. DoneSusunW (
talk)
16:49, 13 February 2016 (UTC)reply
"After completing her education in the United States, in 1946 she returned to Liberia, where she contributed much to the cultural and social life of the country through her active career at the national university and her establishment of related cultural institutions." -a bit long, is there a link for the national university too?
I've shortened it to say "she returned to Liberia in 1946, where she contributed much to the cultural and social life of the country." The link to the university is further down, where I think it is more important. DoneSusunW (
talk)
17:00, 13 February 2016 (UTC)reply
IMO too much detail the circumstances of her education in the lede, and where I'd really want to know (the American universities she studied at) you don't mention them. Perhaps shorten to "In 1922 she accompanied her father to Hamburg, Germany, where she completed her studies in medicine at the University of Hamburg in 1937. She moved to the United States for further education, studying sociology and anthropology at xxx. While in the US, she collaborated on a dictionary of the Vai language and wrote her autobiography, though a legal battle ensued over the rights to her story.
"Serving as director and then dean of the Liberal Arts College, Massaquoi was committed to cultural preservation and expansion. " -do you mean at the college or in the general country? Perhaps add "national" before cultural if so.
"Serving as director and then dean of the Liberal Arts College, Massaquoi was committed to cultural preservation and expansion. She was the founding director of the Institute of African Studies, co-founded the Society of Liberian Authors, helped abolish the practice of usurping African names for Westernized versions, and worked towards standardization of the Vai script." -i would reword to: Committed to national cultural preservation and expansion, Massaquoi served as the then dean of the Liberal Arts College, and was the founding director of the Institute of African Studies. She co-founded the Society of Liberian Authors, helped abolish the practice of usurping African names for Westernized versions, and worked towards standardization of the Vai script."
" This caused her considerable pain, hampering her ability to play the violin, although she later became a highly competent player" -not clear if this was terminal or just temporary.
"She went with him to Hamburg in 1922, where she lived at the consulate at 22 Johnsallee and received her primary school education at St. Anschar Höhere Mädchenschule, quickly mastering German.[6]" -new sentence before "received".
Changed it to read " She went with him to Hamburg in 1922, where she lived at the consulate at 22 Johnsallee. Receiving her primary school education at St. Anschar Höhere Mädchenschule, Massaquoi quickly mastered German." DoneSusunW (
talk)
17:37, 13 February 2016 (UTC)reply
"attending the Helen Lange Schule where " -add comma before "where"
Not sure what you meant here, but have changed the sentence to state "Massaquoi arrived that same year in the United States and experienced the racial segregation and Jim Crow laws of the Southern States." DoneSusunW (
talk)
18:04, 13 February 2016 (UTC)reply
"She had agreed to accept the fellowship as a linguistic advisor, after her father died in 1938.[20]" -not sure why the past perfect tense is used here.
"In a letter dated 22 February 1944, Watkins writes that he encouraged her to write the "story of her life as a tribal child, in contact with and reaction to European culture as represented in Monrovia and the mission school, life and education in Germany and Switzerland; life in America".[17] Massaquoi finished writing the work in 1940, but was told that the English needed editing." -strange quote and context to use it. I wouldn't quote this personally and find a way to reword/paraphrase the whole thing, especially as the chronology is off. I would say something like, In 1940, Massaqoi finished writing an autobiogrpahical account of her early life as a tribal child, and life experiences with Europeans and education in Germany and Switzerland. Watkins later claimed in a 1944 letter that she had written the account upon his insistence."
"attempted to get the manuscript returned," -get and returned don't work here, needs rewording
Well maybe not in British English, but in Southernese... I've amended to "When Massaquoi attempted to retrieve her manuscript" DoneSusunW (
talk)
18:04, 13 February 2016 (UTC)reply
"Thanks to her extensive travels and education, she spoke several languages—at least eight and four tribal dialects." I think the tense isn't quite right here following on from the other sentence, perhaps add "by this time" before "she spoke"
"In 1946, the Liberian president
William Tubman invited Massaquoi to return to the country to help him establish a university. She returned on 13 October 1946 and, in March 1947, became Professor of French and Science at
Liberia College, later the University of Liberia. Her university career extended until 1972. She was also director (1956), then dean (1960), of the Liberal Arts College, founding director of the Institute of African Studies and cofounder of the Society of Liberian Authors.[1]" -needs a reword all this, Try "Upon the invitiation of president
William Tubman, Massaquoi returned to Liberia on 13 October 1946 to help him establish a university. She became Professor of French and Science at
Liberia College, later the University of Liberia, in March 1947. Her university career extended until 1972. She was also director (1956), then dean (1960), of the Liberal Arts College, founding director of the Institute of African Studies and cofounder of the Society of Liberian Authors.[1]"
"She actively contributed to the cultural and social development of Liberia, not least by promoting the standardization of the Vai script at a seminar she organized in 1962.[10][25] She also founded and headed the Institute of African studies.[1]" -this doesn't flow in the second paragraph, part of it seems repeated from the above paragraph. I would find a way to reword and merge to improve flow and concision.
added "Tamba M’bayo of
West Virginia University, stated: “The strengths of this autobiography could be gauged at two or more different levels. First, its down-to-heart and honest account of even the most disturbing personal experiences…Second the larger canvas of Sierra Leonean and Liberian cultural and ethno-linguistic history in which Fatima’s story is told. Rich in content and well orchestrated…” " DoneSusunW (
talk)
19:48, 13 February 2016 (UTC)reply
Awards
Always dislike bullet points for this sort of thing. I think you should probably create a Death, honors/legacy section and mention accolades and the book publishing in prose in one section.
Dr. Blofeld Thank you, as always for the thorough review. I believe I have addressed all of your points, though some I took some license with. Should anything further be needed, please ping me.
SusunW (
talk)
19:48, 13 February 2016 (UTC)reply