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The main thing needed to make this a good article is a complete rewrite that replaces passive verbs with active verbs. That's basic to good writing.
I also have a couple of other changes I think make the article better. "He had the misfortune to run <<his ship>> onto an iceberg" << take out “during his voyage” because there’s no other way to run into an iceberg>>
"It briefly appeared that the danger had been avoided, but as she passed by the Guardian struck an underwater projection with a sudden crash.[9] Caught in a sudden gust of wind" the ship reared up and swung about, << get rid of one “sudden” and put a comma before "the ship">>
"The pumps were manned, but could not keep up with the ingress" <<how about “influx”>> "of water, and by midnight there was" <<were>>
"The ships suffered heavy casualties,"
<< replace comma by semi-colon>>
Patrij ( talk) 18:24, 10 June 2009 (UTC)
I will be adding comments as needed. — Mattisse ( Talk) 00:43, 6 July 2009 (UTC)
GA review (see here for criteria)
Congratulations!
Article (
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visual edit |
history) ·
Article talk (
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history) ·
Watch
The main thing needed to make this a good article is a complete rewrite that replaces passive verbs with active verbs. That's basic to good writing.
I also have a couple of other changes I think make the article better. "He had the misfortune to run <<his ship>> onto an iceberg" << take out “during his voyage” because there’s no other way to run into an iceberg>>
"It briefly appeared that the danger had been avoided, but as she passed by the Guardian struck an underwater projection with a sudden crash.[9] Caught in a sudden gust of wind" the ship reared up and swung about, << get rid of one “sudden” and put a comma before "the ship">>
"The pumps were manned, but could not keep up with the ingress" <<how about “influx”>> "of water, and by midnight there was" <<were>>
"The ships suffered heavy casualties,"
<< replace comma by semi-colon>>
Patrij ( talk) 18:24, 10 June 2009 (UTC)
I will be adding comments as needed. — Mattisse ( Talk) 00:43, 6 July 2009 (UTC)
GA review (see here for criteria)
Congratulations!