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Hi, I'll review this article! Though I'm more of a Dodgers fan, haha, but the Orioles are pretty cool too. Here are my comments:
Lead
Second paragraph - you don't need to mention his birth date "October 31, 1942" again. It's already in the first paragraph!
"perished" - 'died'?
"20 wins exactly" - do you even need the word 'exactly' there?
"worked as a car dealer before dying of cancer in 2002" - perhaps rephrase to: 'worked as a car dealer until his death from cancer in 2002'?
Major league career
"Fitting in (1962–65)" - I don't have an issue with this heading, but I just think it sounds informal. I would've used 'Career beginnings'?
Changed it slightly differently. I want it to reflect that his position as a major league starter was not really solidified until he'd been in the majors a few years.
Sanfranciscogiants17 (
talk)
12:00, 3 May 2020 (UTC)reply
"bone spur and calcium deposits" - perhaps add wikilinks to these conditions?
"saying after the game he didn't have his best stuff" - is that he said, because that didn't make sense to me?
So, the source doesn't give his exact quote unfortunately-it's words are ""McNally...admitted he didn't have good stuff." Stuff is baseball slang, I think for effectiveness of pitches.
Sanfranciscogiants17 (
talk)
12:09, 3 May 2020 (UTC)reply
"More money, fewer runs (1972–74)" - instead of 'More money', what about 'Salary increase'?
"14 days later, he held.." - or perhaps 'Two weeks later'?
"According to John Helyar's book" - wikilink to his page
"MLBPA player" - 'Major League Baseball Players Association (MLBPA) player'
"Jean Hoffer, McNally's high school sweetheart, married him in 1961." - you could express this more simply by writing: 'McNally met Jean Hoffer in high school and they married in 1961.'
"gave McNally a paycheck for working at his brewery" - perhaps 'employed McNally at his brewery during offseasons'? Not sure why paycheck is important?
Wikilink 'hiccups'
Wikilink 'wig'
"auto business" - 'automotive industry' and wikilink
Wikilink 'car dealership'
Wikilink 'Maury Allen'
"McNally lived five years longer" - perhaps 'McNally lived for another five years'?
You should consider moving the 'Legacy' section below the 'Personal life', for chronological structure
Thanks for making the changes and confirming that you had already linked AL, MVP, Award once. I've made a few tiny copyedits and wikilinked 'calcium deposits' in the first mention of it. Think we're good to pass now!
L15014:00, 3 May 2020 (UTC)reply
This article is within the scope of WikiProject Biography, a collaborative effort to create, develop and organize Wikipedia's articles about people. All interested editors are invited to
join the project and
contribute to the discussion. For instructions on how to use this banner, please refer to the
documentation.BiographyWikipedia:WikiProject BiographyTemplate:WikiProject Biographybiography articles
This article is within the scope of WikiProject Baseball, a collaborative effort to improve the coverage of
baseball on Wikipedia. If you would like to participate, please visit the project page, where you can join
the discussion and see a list of open tasks.BaseballWikipedia:WikiProject BaseballTemplate:WikiProject BaseballBaseball articles
This article is within the scope of WikiProject Montana, a collaborative effort to improve the coverage of the
U.S. state of Montana on Wikipedia. If you would like to participate, please visit the project page, where you can join
the discussion and see a list of open tasks.MontanaWikipedia:WikiProject MontanaTemplate:WikiProject MontanaMontana articles
Hi, I'll review this article! Though I'm more of a Dodgers fan, haha, but the Orioles are pretty cool too. Here are my comments:
Lead
Second paragraph - you don't need to mention his birth date "October 31, 1942" again. It's already in the first paragraph!
"perished" - 'died'?
"20 wins exactly" - do you even need the word 'exactly' there?
"worked as a car dealer before dying of cancer in 2002" - perhaps rephrase to: 'worked as a car dealer until his death from cancer in 2002'?
Major league career
"Fitting in (1962–65)" - I don't have an issue with this heading, but I just think it sounds informal. I would've used 'Career beginnings'?
Changed it slightly differently. I want it to reflect that his position as a major league starter was not really solidified until he'd been in the majors a few years.
Sanfranciscogiants17 (
talk)
12:00, 3 May 2020 (UTC)reply
"bone spur and calcium deposits" - perhaps add wikilinks to these conditions?
"saying after the game he didn't have his best stuff" - is that he said, because that didn't make sense to me?
So, the source doesn't give his exact quote unfortunately-it's words are ""McNally...admitted he didn't have good stuff." Stuff is baseball slang, I think for effectiveness of pitches.
Sanfranciscogiants17 (
talk)
12:09, 3 May 2020 (UTC)reply
"More money, fewer runs (1972–74)" - instead of 'More money', what about 'Salary increase'?
"14 days later, he held.." - or perhaps 'Two weeks later'?
"According to John Helyar's book" - wikilink to his page
"MLBPA player" - 'Major League Baseball Players Association (MLBPA) player'
"Jean Hoffer, McNally's high school sweetheart, married him in 1961." - you could express this more simply by writing: 'McNally met Jean Hoffer in high school and they married in 1961.'
"gave McNally a paycheck for working at his brewery" - perhaps 'employed McNally at his brewery during offseasons'? Not sure why paycheck is important?
Wikilink 'hiccups'
Wikilink 'wig'
"auto business" - 'automotive industry' and wikilink
Wikilink 'car dealership'
Wikilink 'Maury Allen'
"McNally lived five years longer" - perhaps 'McNally lived for another five years'?
You should consider moving the 'Legacy' section below the 'Personal life', for chronological structure
Thanks for making the changes and confirming that you had already linked AL, MVP, Award once. I've made a few tiny copyedits and wikilinked 'calcium deposits' in the first mention of it. Think we're good to pass now!
L15014:00, 3 May 2020 (UTC)reply