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You've obviously put a lot of work into this; my aim is to ensure others benefit from that effort, so my comments are designed to improve the user experience :).
Added Infobox (not right, but...)
Lead is hard to follow; maybe shorten, split into segments. The point (I think) is its not just about the legislation but the stresses it revealed within the Confederacy - which is a great point, but hard to decipher. That applies elsewhere in the article.
Less is more; words (like e-mail) cost. As an example of what I mean;
eg The original proposition for a Confederate draft came from
Robert E. Lee. With approval of President
Jefferson Davis, Lee detailed Captain
Charles Marshall of his staff to draw up the text for a proposed
conscription act. President Davis thought a draft was the only available solution to the Confederate military manpower crisis. Compulsory military recruitment would also ensure that the burden of defending the South fell on all citizens, not just the most
patriotic members of society. But not all Confederate congressmen agreed with the president. Texas senator
William Simpson Oldham, claimed that draft would call in question the courage and individualism of the Southern people, while threatening the Southern society with military centralization and
despotism of European proportions. Yet, military necessity made the act easily pass both houses, and it became law on April 16, 1862.
Rewrite
Designed to address the Confederate manpower crisis, the first proposal was drawn up by
Charles Marshall, a member of
Robert E. Lee's staff. It was supported by
Jefferson Davis, who saw it as a way to ensure the burden of the war was shared by all citizens. Others including Texas senator
William Simpson Oldham, claimed it questioned the courage of the Southern people, and opposed it as an act of
despotism. However, military necessity meant the Act easily passed both houses, and became law on April 16, 1862.
Maybe worth explaining why there was a manpower crisis (two lines)
As above, too many sentences beginning with 'But' or 'Yet' (sorry, its one reason I've never been able to read Robert Ludlum :)).
Thank you for the time and effort spent commenting on the text. I appreciate it as valuable feedback which I will take into consideration and try to apply in the future; unlike the summary ratings which do not give the writer any real guidance.
Creuzbourg (
talk)
07:28, 5 April 2020 (UTC)reply
This article is within the scope of WikiProject United States, a collaborative effort to improve the coverage of topics relating to the
United States of America on Wikipedia. If you would like to participate, please visit the project page, where you can join the ongoing discussions.
This article is within the scope of WikiProject United States History, a collaborative effort to improve the coverage of the
history of the United States on Wikipedia. If you would like to participate, please visit the project page, where you can join
the discussion and see a list of open tasks.United States HistoryWikipedia:WikiProject United States HistoryTemplate:WikiProject United States HistoryUnited States History articles
This article is within the scope of the Military history WikiProject. If you would like to participate, please visit the project page, where you can join the project and see a
list of open tasks. To use this banner, please see the
full instructions.Military historyWikipedia:WikiProject Military historyTemplate:WikiProject Military historymilitary history articles
This article is within the scope of WikiProject Law, an attempt at providing a comprehensive, standardised, pan-jurisdictional and up-to-date resource for the
legal field and the subjects encompassed by it.LawWikipedia:WikiProject LawTemplate:WikiProject Lawlaw articles
You've obviously put a lot of work into this; my aim is to ensure others benefit from that effort, so my comments are designed to improve the user experience :).
Added Infobox (not right, but...)
Lead is hard to follow; maybe shorten, split into segments. The point (I think) is its not just about the legislation but the stresses it revealed within the Confederacy - which is a great point, but hard to decipher. That applies elsewhere in the article.
Less is more; words (like e-mail) cost. As an example of what I mean;
eg The original proposition for a Confederate draft came from
Robert E. Lee. With approval of President
Jefferson Davis, Lee detailed Captain
Charles Marshall of his staff to draw up the text for a proposed
conscription act. President Davis thought a draft was the only available solution to the Confederate military manpower crisis. Compulsory military recruitment would also ensure that the burden of defending the South fell on all citizens, not just the most
patriotic members of society. But not all Confederate congressmen agreed with the president. Texas senator
William Simpson Oldham, claimed that draft would call in question the courage and individualism of the Southern people, while threatening the Southern society with military centralization and
despotism of European proportions. Yet, military necessity made the act easily pass both houses, and it became law on April 16, 1862.
Rewrite
Designed to address the Confederate manpower crisis, the first proposal was drawn up by
Charles Marshall, a member of
Robert E. Lee's staff. It was supported by
Jefferson Davis, who saw it as a way to ensure the burden of the war was shared by all citizens. Others including Texas senator
William Simpson Oldham, claimed it questioned the courage of the Southern people, and opposed it as an act of
despotism. However, military necessity meant the Act easily passed both houses, and became law on April 16, 1862.
Maybe worth explaining why there was a manpower crisis (two lines)
As above, too many sentences beginning with 'But' or 'Yet' (sorry, its one reason I've never been able to read Robert Ludlum :)).
Thank you for the time and effort spent commenting on the text. I appreciate it as valuable feedback which I will take into consideration and try to apply in the future; unlike the summary ratings which do not give the writer any real guidance.
Creuzbourg (
talk)
07:28, 5 April 2020 (UTC)reply