(a) it contains a list of all references (sources of information), presented in accordance with
the layout style guideline
(b)
reliable sources are
cited inline. All content that
could reasonably be challenged, except for plot summaries and that which summarizes cited content elsewhere in the article, must be cited no later than the end of the paragraph (or line if the content is not in prose)
Some awkward/questionable sentence structure. Again, for example...
"Hernandez was one of six children and came from a musical family giving him a diverse mix of reggae, rock, hip hop, and R&B."
Possible change: "With his family's activity in music, Mars came from a diverse musical background anchored in reggae, rock, hip hop, and R&B." or something; it still sounds awkward.
"He attended President Theodore Roosevelt High School, graduating in 2003 at the age of seventeen, and shortly after moved to Los Angeles, California to pursue a musical career."
Possible change: "In 2003, shortly after graduating from President Theodore Roosevelt at the age of seventeen, Mars moved to Los Angeles, California to pursue a musical career."
The entire final paragraph of the "Early life and beginnings" section is rather awkwardly written. For example, what's an A&R? "... took a long time to convince his label employers" sounds like it could be written shorter.
"According to the A&R executive in an interview with HitQuarters, Mars had made it clear from the beginning that although his ultimate goal was to be a solo artist he was willing to write and produce, both to attract recognition for his talents and help him discover the type of artist he ultimately wanted to be."
This paraphrase is strange. I recommend using the actual quote.
Be careful of saying more than needed. For example...
"...international hits..." is kind of loaded. Maybe a word different than "hits".
"He is known for lending his vocals and co-writing the hooks for the songs..." (Why not "He co-wrote and lent his vocals for...")
"... Brandy, and Sean Kingston, as well as Flo Rida in the international hit "Right Round".
Considering the overall sentence structure, this is kind of awkward as "Flo Rida" has no clear antecedent and does not refer to the original subject (list of songs Mars wrote)
In other words, consider combining the part of Flo Rida with the following one. It'll flow better.
The article frequently switches between referring to the artist as "Hernandez" and "Mars". Choose one to use. I'd recommend "Mars" as that's the most likely reference.
The lead is okay, but could probably be expanded. It doesn't adequately summarize everything. I like the inclusion of information on his singles, though.
Don't need to site his real name and birth date in the lead. That can be done within the body at "life and career." (this is kind of off-topic, but that'd also be better to describe why he uses the monikor instead of his real name)
I feel dirty when I say this, but there's no information on his personal life or personal beliefs. Yeeeech, I feel like a paparazzi.
I can't really find any reliable sources that talk about whether he is in a relationship, and he is not particularly outspoken about any of his beliefs. However, if something does come up, I will certainly add it to the page.
Basilisk4u (
talk)
21:18, 27 December 2010 (UTC)reply
No information on influences; possibly could be converged with musical styles?
Board in converage: Details?
May be much, much easier to read/understand if the information about his life, solo music career, and producer career were split up. A lot of it seems discursive.
I agree, but I am a bit unsure about how to divide it up. Would you recommend putting the quotes about Elvis and the "Growing up in Hawaii made me the man I am..." into the musical styles?
Basilisk4u (
talk)
21:41, 27 December 2010 (UTC)reply
"because he was a chubby baby and because there was a famous chubby wrestler at the time called Bruno Sammartino." - reword to avoid the double-usage of 'because'
The ref does not support "Liquor Store Blues" and "Grenade" being
promotional singles
Done: removed as they're minor releases that belong better on the album article and not the artist's. I've replaced it with information on the single single, "
Grenade", and charting.
Yves (
talk)
07:56, 3 February 2011 (UTC)reply
"Mars will co-headline with Travie McCoy on a European tour" → Mars will co-headline with McCoy on a European tour
Include some of the more notable awards in the prose
Why are the Soul and Jazz Awards in a separate table
No idea. I've removed them, since both a Google search and a Google News search reveals nothing for "Soul and Jazz Awards". I've tried searching some of the award categories with nominated works, too (e.g. "Doo-Wops & Hooligans Best Album R&B of the Year"), but nothing shows up. There is no reference, anyway, and I've left a message on the talk page of the editor who added these.
Yves (
talk)
08:01, 3 February 2011 (UTC)reply
References
Pretty good work, but Billboard has been published by
Prometheus Global Media since December 2009
(a) it contains a list of all references (sources of information), presented in accordance with
the layout style guideline
(b)
reliable sources are
cited inline. All content that
could reasonably be challenged, except for plot summaries and that which summarizes cited content elsewhere in the article, must be cited no later than the end of the paragraph (or line if the content is not in prose)
Some awkward/questionable sentence structure. Again, for example...
"Hernandez was one of six children and came from a musical family giving him a diverse mix of reggae, rock, hip hop, and R&B."
Possible change: "With his family's activity in music, Mars came from a diverse musical background anchored in reggae, rock, hip hop, and R&B." or something; it still sounds awkward.
"He attended President Theodore Roosevelt High School, graduating in 2003 at the age of seventeen, and shortly after moved to Los Angeles, California to pursue a musical career."
Possible change: "In 2003, shortly after graduating from President Theodore Roosevelt at the age of seventeen, Mars moved to Los Angeles, California to pursue a musical career."
The entire final paragraph of the "Early life and beginnings" section is rather awkwardly written. For example, what's an A&R? "... took a long time to convince his label employers" sounds like it could be written shorter.
"According to the A&R executive in an interview with HitQuarters, Mars had made it clear from the beginning that although his ultimate goal was to be a solo artist he was willing to write and produce, both to attract recognition for his talents and help him discover the type of artist he ultimately wanted to be."
This paraphrase is strange. I recommend using the actual quote.
Be careful of saying more than needed. For example...
"...international hits..." is kind of loaded. Maybe a word different than "hits".
"He is known for lending his vocals and co-writing the hooks for the songs..." (Why not "He co-wrote and lent his vocals for...")
"... Brandy, and Sean Kingston, as well as Flo Rida in the international hit "Right Round".
Considering the overall sentence structure, this is kind of awkward as "Flo Rida" has no clear antecedent and does not refer to the original subject (list of songs Mars wrote)
In other words, consider combining the part of Flo Rida with the following one. It'll flow better.
The article frequently switches between referring to the artist as "Hernandez" and "Mars". Choose one to use. I'd recommend "Mars" as that's the most likely reference.
The lead is okay, but could probably be expanded. It doesn't adequately summarize everything. I like the inclusion of information on his singles, though.
Don't need to site his real name and birth date in the lead. That can be done within the body at "life and career." (this is kind of off-topic, but that'd also be better to describe why he uses the monikor instead of his real name)
I feel dirty when I say this, but there's no information on his personal life or personal beliefs. Yeeeech, I feel like a paparazzi.
I can't really find any reliable sources that talk about whether he is in a relationship, and he is not particularly outspoken about any of his beliefs. However, if something does come up, I will certainly add it to the page.
Basilisk4u (
talk)
21:18, 27 December 2010 (UTC)reply
No information on influences; possibly could be converged with musical styles?
Board in converage: Details?
May be much, much easier to read/understand if the information about his life, solo music career, and producer career were split up. A lot of it seems discursive.
I agree, but I am a bit unsure about how to divide it up. Would you recommend putting the quotes about Elvis and the "Growing up in Hawaii made me the man I am..." into the musical styles?
Basilisk4u (
talk)
21:41, 27 December 2010 (UTC)reply
"because he was a chubby baby and because there was a famous chubby wrestler at the time called Bruno Sammartino." - reword to avoid the double-usage of 'because'
The ref does not support "Liquor Store Blues" and "Grenade" being
promotional singles
Done: removed as they're minor releases that belong better on the album article and not the artist's. I've replaced it with information on the single single, "
Grenade", and charting.
Yves (
talk)
07:56, 3 February 2011 (UTC)reply
"Mars will co-headline with Travie McCoy on a European tour" → Mars will co-headline with McCoy on a European tour
Include some of the more notable awards in the prose
Why are the Soul and Jazz Awards in a separate table
No idea. I've removed them, since both a Google search and a Google News search reveals nothing for "Soul and Jazz Awards". I've tried searching some of the award categories with nominated works, too (e.g. "Doo-Wops & Hooligans Best Album R&B of the Year"), but nothing shows up. There is no reference, anyway, and I've left a message on the talk page of the editor who added these.
Yves (
talk)
08:01, 3 February 2011 (UTC)reply
References
Pretty good work, but Billboard has been published by
Prometheus Global Media since December 2009