He served as regent for the Duchy of Athens in 1308–09, following Guy II's death,… - consider improving the prose by amending this part of the sentence to ‘Following Guy’s death, he served as regent in 1308–09,…’
Done
Boniface, whom the Catalans esteemed… - this sentence seems imo to need rewriting, so as to reduce the number of commas. It might work, for instance, if the sentence was split.
Rewritten
...died in 1317/18… - improve the prose by amending to ‘...died in 1317 or 1318…’. I would write '1317 or 1318' in the infobox.
Two years later… - You have to go back quite a way in the text to find the right year, I would simply put ‘In 1296…’ (assuming this is the correct year).
Good point, done
On the other hand is the sentence Two years later, Boniface turned his attention to his home island of Euboea. actually needed here?
It introduces the section, the article could probably work without it, but I feel it would be too abrupt a change of setting (back to the 1270s) otherwise
...Boniface decided to campaign… - amend to ‘...Boniface campaigned…’?
Done
I would remove He was swiftly successful, and… - as it sounds like an editorial comment.
Done
...seizing the town of Fanari. - I would mention that the town is also called Phanarion.
This is actually a weird thing with Greek names, in that Fanarion/Phanarion is simply the
Katharevousa form of Fanari. For the average reader, this is unnecessary, for anyone actually familiar with Greek history, the knowledge that the town might also be called Fanarion would be implicit.
The Catalans captured and garrisoned several fortresses… - needs to be more specific.
Added a small specification ("around
Domokos") but a) the sources themselves are not much more specific and b) I feel this is not the place to be more specific as it does not concern Boniface
MIller p. 119 states "...more than thirty castles..." (apologies if I've misunderstood the history here). At GA level I think you would need to either go for 'not being vague' or 'not having it there at all as it's off topic'—at present it appears to be neither.
Amitchell125 (
talk)
09:03, 22 September 2020 (UTC)reply
...the Frankish army was smashed in a well-prepared ambush… - this is the most interesting part of the whole article! I would add more detail of the nature of the ‘ambush’, even though the battle has its own article. Also, smashed is idiomatic, and so should be avoided here.
I agree, but as the article on the battle makes clear, unfortunately we don't have many details, and what the sources tell us seems to be contradictory. I've added what detail seems certain, but it is not much :)
Hi
Amitchell125 and thanks for your thorough review. I think I've addressed all the points you raised. Anything else, above and beyond GAN requirements? Is the article easy to follow/understand, or do you think there is context missing?
Constantine ✍ 08:20, 22 September 2020 (UTC)reply
Hi Constantine, ready to pass now, bar a last check for small typos. The article is understandable, with nothing much missing imo, but the map, although very useful, needs tweaking a bit to help make it easier to read (something i can do). As I've assessed the article up to GA, there would of course be a list of amendments to make to go further with the article, here's a few examples I think would be spotted at a higher level, but nothing's compulsory from now on...
Other points (concerning the exactness of the text in the article)
A poor knight... - impoverished? or not very good at being a knight? or deserving pity? I would replace poor here.
...a powerful Lombard Crusader lord... - powerful is redundant, as lords have power by definition, and the notion is repeated later.
The Catalans esteemed Boniface... - I would say 'held Boniface in high regard...'.
...and her own interests... - '...and its interests...' imo (see
WP:GENDER).
... his extensive domains. - extensive is vague and subjective, and could be interpreted as a peacock term.
...(the "triarchs") who divided the island of Negroponte (Euboea) ... - I personally avoid brackets where possible.
... three brothers... - worth naming, if possible?
...a single castle... - single is redundant here.
... the under-age Duke... - I think it's worth providing more of an indication of his age here, or how old he needed to be when he came of age.
for the knighting - is probably not needed
...castles on the mainland... - was he in a position to award island castles? if not, on the mainland is redundant.
... given the hand of a lady... - is idiomatic, and so may not be understood by all readers.
...by earlier scholars... - I would clarify the period that earlier is referring to here.
...the Duke stipulated... - stipulated implies there was an official agreement—is this the case, or did he simply decree this?
...was to become regent of the duchy... - of the duchy is redundant.
Stopping there, I would check carefully for similar examples of (i) redundant words/phrases (ii) text that some readers might misconstrue. All the best,
Amitchell125 (
talk)
12:39, 22 September 2020 (UTC)reply
He served as regent for the Duchy of Athens in 1308–09, following Guy II's death,… - consider improving the prose by amending this part of the sentence to ‘Following Guy’s death, he served as regent in 1308–09,…’
Done
Boniface, whom the Catalans esteemed… - this sentence seems imo to need rewriting, so as to reduce the number of commas. It might work, for instance, if the sentence was split.
Rewritten
...died in 1317/18… - improve the prose by amending to ‘...died in 1317 or 1318…’. I would write '1317 or 1318' in the infobox.
Two years later… - You have to go back quite a way in the text to find the right year, I would simply put ‘In 1296…’ (assuming this is the correct year).
Good point, done
On the other hand is the sentence Two years later, Boniface turned his attention to his home island of Euboea. actually needed here?
It introduces the section, the article could probably work without it, but I feel it would be too abrupt a change of setting (back to the 1270s) otherwise
...Boniface decided to campaign… - amend to ‘...Boniface campaigned…’?
Done
I would remove He was swiftly successful, and… - as it sounds like an editorial comment.
Done
...seizing the town of Fanari. - I would mention that the town is also called Phanarion.
This is actually a weird thing with Greek names, in that Fanarion/Phanarion is simply the
Katharevousa form of Fanari. For the average reader, this is unnecessary, for anyone actually familiar with Greek history, the knowledge that the town might also be called Fanarion would be implicit.
The Catalans captured and garrisoned several fortresses… - needs to be more specific.
Added a small specification ("around
Domokos") but a) the sources themselves are not much more specific and b) I feel this is not the place to be more specific as it does not concern Boniface
MIller p. 119 states "...more than thirty castles..." (apologies if I've misunderstood the history here). At GA level I think you would need to either go for 'not being vague' or 'not having it there at all as it's off topic'—at present it appears to be neither.
Amitchell125 (
talk)
09:03, 22 September 2020 (UTC)reply
...the Frankish army was smashed in a well-prepared ambush… - this is the most interesting part of the whole article! I would add more detail of the nature of the ‘ambush’, even though the battle has its own article. Also, smashed is idiomatic, and so should be avoided here.
I agree, but as the article on the battle makes clear, unfortunately we don't have many details, and what the sources tell us seems to be contradictory. I've added what detail seems certain, but it is not much :)
Hi
Amitchell125 and thanks for your thorough review. I think I've addressed all the points you raised. Anything else, above and beyond GAN requirements? Is the article easy to follow/understand, or do you think there is context missing?
Constantine ✍ 08:20, 22 September 2020 (UTC)reply
Hi Constantine, ready to pass now, bar a last check for small typos. The article is understandable, with nothing much missing imo, but the map, although very useful, needs tweaking a bit to help make it easier to read (something i can do). As I've assessed the article up to GA, there would of course be a list of amendments to make to go further with the article, here's a few examples I think would be spotted at a higher level, but nothing's compulsory from now on...
Other points (concerning the exactness of the text in the article)
A poor knight... - impoverished? or not very good at being a knight? or deserving pity? I would replace poor here.
...a powerful Lombard Crusader lord... - powerful is redundant, as lords have power by definition, and the notion is repeated later.
The Catalans esteemed Boniface... - I would say 'held Boniface in high regard...'.
...and her own interests... - '...and its interests...' imo (see
WP:GENDER).
... his extensive domains. - extensive is vague and subjective, and could be interpreted as a peacock term.
...(the "triarchs") who divided the island of Negroponte (Euboea) ... - I personally avoid brackets where possible.
... three brothers... - worth naming, if possible?
...a single castle... - single is redundant here.
... the under-age Duke... - I think it's worth providing more of an indication of his age here, or how old he needed to be when he came of age.
for the knighting - is probably not needed
...castles on the mainland... - was he in a position to award island castles? if not, on the mainland is redundant.
... given the hand of a lady... - is idiomatic, and so may not be understood by all readers.
...by earlier scholars... - I would clarify the period that earlier is referring to here.
...the Duke stipulated... - stipulated implies there was an official agreement—is this the case, or did he simply decree this?
...was to become regent of the duchy... - of the duchy is redundant.
Stopping there, I would check carefully for similar examples of (i) redundant words/phrases (ii) text that some readers might misconstrue. All the best,
Amitchell125 (
talk)
12:39, 22 September 2020 (UTC)reply