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Reviewer: Numerounovedant ( talk · contribs) 16:51, 29 July 2017 (UTC)
I'll put up comments soon.
Numerounovedant
Talk
16:51, 29 July 2017 (UTC)
- Prose
- You could avoid repetiton of American in the opening paragraph.
- Same with FBI, I believe the the "FBI recruit" can simply be "recruit" as the mention of the "FBI Academy" makes it obvious.
- "U.S intelligence"
- I prefer "on and off relationship" as it is lest colloquial.
- "as a completely white character" - completely seems to be an odd choice of words.
- Not sure what a "talent holding deal" is.
- "For her performance as Parrish" - odd phrasing, also, be consistent with use of "Alex" or "Parish" in the article.
Looking at the rest. Numerounovedant Talk 16:47, 3 August 2017 (UTC)
- @ Numerounovedant: Done. Krish | Talk 20:48, 4 August 2017 (UTC)
- The article
could do withoutuse a lot of trimming, as it has a lot of the lengthy direct quotes, in the production section in particular. Numerounovedant Talk 17:32, 16 August 2017 (UTC)
- Removed few long quotes and trimmed others. Krish | Talk 02:27, 18 August 2017 (UTC)
- Some other concerns :
- "talent holding deal" - not sure what this means.
- "Apart from being the lead in an American series and working in Hollywood" - rather unnecessary.
- "Having never auditioned in Bollywood" - same.
- "that ABC was doing for the 2015–2016 television season" - doing a script?
- "the show became all about her" - sound encyclopedia like at all?
- "as a flawed human being who takes charge of her own life" - same.
- "becoming the lead character" - repetitive.
- "Alex is the focal point and the protagonist of the series" - I think the reader gets it by now.
- For the reception section you might want to restructure the paragraphs, each of which could begin with a one line summary of what it talk about.
- Some other concerns :
- @ Numerounovedant: Done. Krish | Talk 02:19, 18 August 2017 (UTC)
I an sorry it took me s long, but this was the first thing I looked at on coming back. There are some obvious neutrality concerns, I hope you re-read it and make necessary changes to make it read more in a more encyclopedia-like fashion. Ping me if you have questions, but you want to go through te article once more. I will re-read once you're done addressing my comments. Numerounovedant Talk 17:32, 16 August 2017 (UTC)
- @ Numerounovedant: You can take a look now. Krish | Talk 02:19, 18 August 2017 (UTC)
- Final Comments
The article needs some cleanup and formatting fixes, but I'll take care of that. Other than that, it looks fine to me. Good job Krish!. It's a Pass. Numerounovedant Talk 10:43, 20 August 2017 (UTC)
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Reviewer: Numerounovedant ( talk · contribs) 16:51, 29 July 2017 (UTC)
I'll put up comments soon.
Numerounovedant
Talk
16:51, 29 July 2017 (UTC)
- Prose
- You could avoid repetiton of American in the opening paragraph.
- Same with FBI, I believe the the "FBI recruit" can simply be "recruit" as the mention of the "FBI Academy" makes it obvious.
- "U.S intelligence"
- I prefer "on and off relationship" as it is lest colloquial.
- "as a completely white character" - completely seems to be an odd choice of words.
- Not sure what a "talent holding deal" is.
- "For her performance as Parrish" - odd phrasing, also, be consistent with use of "Alex" or "Parish" in the article.
Looking at the rest. Numerounovedant Talk 16:47, 3 August 2017 (UTC)
- @ Numerounovedant: Done. Krish | Talk 20:48, 4 August 2017 (UTC)
- The article
could do withoutuse a lot of trimming, as it has a lot of the lengthy direct quotes, in the production section in particular. Numerounovedant Talk 17:32, 16 August 2017 (UTC)
- Removed few long quotes and trimmed others. Krish | Talk 02:27, 18 August 2017 (UTC)
- Some other concerns :
- "talent holding deal" - not sure what this means.
- "Apart from being the lead in an American series and working in Hollywood" - rather unnecessary.
- "Having never auditioned in Bollywood" - same.
- "that ABC was doing for the 2015–2016 television season" - doing a script?
- "the show became all about her" - sound encyclopedia like at all?
- "as a flawed human being who takes charge of her own life" - same.
- "becoming the lead character" - repetitive.
- "Alex is the focal point and the protagonist of the series" - I think the reader gets it by now.
- For the reception section you might want to restructure the paragraphs, each of which could begin with a one line summary of what it talk about.
- Some other concerns :
- @ Numerounovedant: Done. Krish | Talk 02:19, 18 August 2017 (UTC)
I an sorry it took me s long, but this was the first thing I looked at on coming back. There are some obvious neutrality concerns, I hope you re-read it and make necessary changes to make it read more in a more encyclopedia-like fashion. Ping me if you have questions, but you want to go through te article once more. I will re-read once you're done addressing my comments. Numerounovedant Talk 17:32, 16 August 2017 (UTC)
- @ Numerounovedant: You can take a look now. Krish | Talk 02:19, 18 August 2017 (UTC)
- Final Comments
The article needs some cleanup and formatting fixes, but I'll take care of that. Other than that, it looks fine to me. Good job Krish!. It's a Pass. Numerounovedant Talk 10:43, 20 August 2017 (UTC)