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U.S. state of California on Wikipedia. If you would like to participate, please visit the project page, where you can join
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I have to catch a flight in the morning, but I wanted to at least start the review. I'll do this section-by-section. A few easy things to knock out: The article is stable and uses neutral tone overall. Earwig's tool returns nothing of concern. The sourcing looks okay but I'll check it more thoroughly. There are some areas where the writing isn't so clear, and that will likely represent a lot of my feedback.
"... in the team's only season in Los Angeles until its 2017 return, with its home field at the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum." - I think this sentence is trying to do too much. It reads like they played at Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum in 2017. Make two sentences out of this and I think it will be much more clear.
I notice you talk about the AFL championship game, even giving the final score, and then you go back and discuss the home field advantage issue. This seems out of order to me. In general there is too much discussion of the AFL championship game (especially the home field stuff) in the lead - and almost nothing about the rest of the season.
"Initially denied in December ..." - grammar issue in this sentence. Barron Hilton wasn't denied or announced. Try this: In December, owner Barron Hilton denied that he was planning to (and so on) ... However, In late January, he moved the team ..."
Formation
"granted Barron Hilton a Los Angeles franchise" - granted a Los Angeles franchise to Barron Hilton
no need for "fledgling" - already clear that they were new
What was Klosterman's job title?
Coaching staff
awkward dash before "Davis agreed" - How about a period after "choosing"?
"In July of 1960, Frank Leahy resigned" --> In July 1960, Leahy resigned
You have a couple of instances where the date format changed unexpectedly to ordinals (January 12th, June 23rd). Don't use ordinals per
MOS:DATESNO.
Roster building
"ten days before his game for USC" (in reference to Ron Mix) - I'm not sure the reader would understand what game is being referred to or why that's significant. The wording almost sounds like we're saying he played only one game for USC.
"As well as a further opportunity to play Pro football, Kemp was also offered a job with ..." --> When Kemp was signed by the Chargers, he was also offered a job with ...
"Paul Lowe gave Los Angeles an explosive start" - A sports blog might use such wording, but an encyclopedia should be more neutral.
same issue: "dramatic finish"
Regular season
Overview: "diabetic complications" - complications of
diabetes
Week 1
"first competitive game" - I think this is too vague - I think you are referring to the fact that it was the first regular season game
"sacked on 4th and goal" - sacked on 4th down and goal; links to
quarterback sack and
Down (gridiron football) (if not linked earlier) might help with the jargon
Remove tragic (I'm sure the reader can feel the tragedy implicitly)
tied the scores --> tied the score
pass in the flat - jargon, a link may help
Week 13
82 yard --> 82 yards
"bounced up invitingly" - maybe leave out invitingly
Week 14
shootout - jargon
stadia - I know it's in the dictionary, but it's awkward to pluralize an American football stadium this way
Week 15
shootout, picked off - jargon
AFL Championship Game
kept largely in check - jargon, but more than that, it's too vague to be meaningful
The game summaries will probably require the most attention to resolve. They are helpful summaries, but the writing style for an encyclopedia is just different than it would be for a sports magazine or even a newspaper.
Thanks for the work that has already gone into this. Once this stuff is addressed, I'll probably make one more pass through the entry, but I should be able to clean up any minor leftover issues myself.
Larry Hockett (
Talk)
19:18, 9 July 2021 (UTC)reply
Thanks - it's easy to slip into the standard newspaper game-report jargon, yes. I've gone through and hopefully covered the points you've raised so far.--
Harper J. Cole (
talk)
00:30, 10 July 2021 (UTC)reply
I appreciate the prompt attention to the feedback. I did some light copyediting, mostly just for encyclopedic tone. I did quite a few spot checks of the references, and the sourcing looks strong overall, without evidence of close paraphrasing. One last concern: I noticed a citation to exposure.co (currently ref #37; seems to be a web publishing platform) and a few citations to Tales from the American Football League (not sure if there is the editorial oversight for this to be considered an RS). There is an exception to
WP:SPS for subject-matter experts, but I think these authors may fall short of the independent publication standard listed there, so it may be easiest to replace those sources. I also see at least two bare URLs in the reference list. Thanks for the work!
Larry Hockett (
Talk)
18:35, 12 July 2021 (UTC)reply
Thanks again ... I've fixed the bare URLs, and replaced the exposure.co with an article from the Pro Football Hall of Fame website. Tales from the American Football League is the website of the author of Charging Through the AFL, a book of interviews with 1960s Chargers that I've cited in other places. The author has made several of the interviews available on his website - in those cases, I linked to the website, thinking that more accessible citations would be preferable. I can easily swap these for references to the book if need be, though?--
Harper J. Cole (
talk)
00:14, 13 July 2021 (UTC)reply
I'm sorry about that. This completely slipped my mind. I appreciate your explanation of that web source. I'll make one more pass through the entry but should be able to fix any minor issues myself. I anticipate passing this shortly.
Larry Hockett (
Talk)
00:58, 18 July 2021 (UTC)reply
GA review (see
here for what the criteria are, and
here for what they are not)
This article is within the scope of WikiProject California, a collaborative effort to improve the coverage of the
U.S. state of California on Wikipedia. If you would like to participate, please visit the project page, where you can join
the discussion and see a list of open tasks.CaliforniaWikipedia:WikiProject CaliforniaTemplate:WikiProject CaliforniaCalifornia articles
This article is within the scope of WikiProject National Football League, a collaborative effort to improve the coverage of the
NFL on Wikipedia. If you would like to participate, please visit the project page, where you can join
the discussion and see a list of open tasks.National Football LeagueWikipedia:WikiProject National Football LeagueTemplate:WikiProject National Football LeagueNational Football League articles
I have to catch a flight in the morning, but I wanted to at least start the review. I'll do this section-by-section. A few easy things to knock out: The article is stable and uses neutral tone overall. Earwig's tool returns nothing of concern. The sourcing looks okay but I'll check it more thoroughly. There are some areas where the writing isn't so clear, and that will likely represent a lot of my feedback.
"... in the team's only season in Los Angeles until its 2017 return, with its home field at the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum." - I think this sentence is trying to do too much. It reads like they played at Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum in 2017. Make two sentences out of this and I think it will be much more clear.
I notice you talk about the AFL championship game, even giving the final score, and then you go back and discuss the home field advantage issue. This seems out of order to me. In general there is too much discussion of the AFL championship game (especially the home field stuff) in the lead - and almost nothing about the rest of the season.
"Initially denied in December ..." - grammar issue in this sentence. Barron Hilton wasn't denied or announced. Try this: In December, owner Barron Hilton denied that he was planning to (and so on) ... However, In late January, he moved the team ..."
Formation
"granted Barron Hilton a Los Angeles franchise" - granted a Los Angeles franchise to Barron Hilton
no need for "fledgling" - already clear that they were new
What was Klosterman's job title?
Coaching staff
awkward dash before "Davis agreed" - How about a period after "choosing"?
"In July of 1960, Frank Leahy resigned" --> In July 1960, Leahy resigned
You have a couple of instances where the date format changed unexpectedly to ordinals (January 12th, June 23rd). Don't use ordinals per
MOS:DATESNO.
Roster building
"ten days before his game for USC" (in reference to Ron Mix) - I'm not sure the reader would understand what game is being referred to or why that's significant. The wording almost sounds like we're saying he played only one game for USC.
"As well as a further opportunity to play Pro football, Kemp was also offered a job with ..." --> When Kemp was signed by the Chargers, he was also offered a job with ...
"Paul Lowe gave Los Angeles an explosive start" - A sports blog might use such wording, but an encyclopedia should be more neutral.
same issue: "dramatic finish"
Regular season
Overview: "diabetic complications" - complications of
diabetes
Week 1
"first competitive game" - I think this is too vague - I think you are referring to the fact that it was the first regular season game
"sacked on 4th and goal" - sacked on 4th down and goal; links to
quarterback sack and
Down (gridiron football) (if not linked earlier) might help with the jargon
Remove tragic (I'm sure the reader can feel the tragedy implicitly)
tied the scores --> tied the score
pass in the flat - jargon, a link may help
Week 13
82 yard --> 82 yards
"bounced up invitingly" - maybe leave out invitingly
Week 14
shootout - jargon
stadia - I know it's in the dictionary, but it's awkward to pluralize an American football stadium this way
Week 15
shootout, picked off - jargon
AFL Championship Game
kept largely in check - jargon, but more than that, it's too vague to be meaningful
The game summaries will probably require the most attention to resolve. They are helpful summaries, but the writing style for an encyclopedia is just different than it would be for a sports magazine or even a newspaper.
Thanks for the work that has already gone into this. Once this stuff is addressed, I'll probably make one more pass through the entry, but I should be able to clean up any minor leftover issues myself.
Larry Hockett (
Talk)
19:18, 9 July 2021 (UTC)reply
Thanks - it's easy to slip into the standard newspaper game-report jargon, yes. I've gone through and hopefully covered the points you've raised so far.--
Harper J. Cole (
talk)
00:30, 10 July 2021 (UTC)reply
I appreciate the prompt attention to the feedback. I did some light copyediting, mostly just for encyclopedic tone. I did quite a few spot checks of the references, and the sourcing looks strong overall, without evidence of close paraphrasing. One last concern: I noticed a citation to exposure.co (currently ref #37; seems to be a web publishing platform) and a few citations to Tales from the American Football League (not sure if there is the editorial oversight for this to be considered an RS). There is an exception to
WP:SPS for subject-matter experts, but I think these authors may fall short of the independent publication standard listed there, so it may be easiest to replace those sources. I also see at least two bare URLs in the reference list. Thanks for the work!
Larry Hockett (
Talk)
18:35, 12 July 2021 (UTC)reply
Thanks again ... I've fixed the bare URLs, and replaced the exposure.co with an article from the Pro Football Hall of Fame website. Tales from the American Football League is the website of the author of Charging Through the AFL, a book of interviews with 1960s Chargers that I've cited in other places. The author has made several of the interviews available on his website - in those cases, I linked to the website, thinking that more accessible citations would be preferable. I can easily swap these for references to the book if need be, though?--
Harper J. Cole (
talk)
00:14, 13 July 2021 (UTC)reply
I'm sorry about that. This completely slipped my mind. I appreciate your explanation of that web source. I'll make one more pass through the entry but should be able to fix any minor issues myself. I anticipate passing this shortly.
Larry Hockett (
Talk)
00:58, 18 July 2021 (UTC)reply
GA review (see
here for what the criteria are, and
here for what they are not)