List of The Colbert Report episodes | |
---|---|
No. of episodes | 138 |
Release | |
Original network | Comedy Central |
Season chronology | |
This is a list of episodes for The Colbert Report in 2007.
No. | " The Wørd" | Guest(s) | Introductory phrase | Original air date | Production code |
---|---|---|---|---|---|
194 | "Facts" | Ethan Nadelmann | " On the 15th day of Christmas, your true love gave you me. This is The Colbert Report!" | January 8 | 3001 |
Stephen opens the show disappointed that
Saddam Hussein was suddenly
hanged over the show's break. He responds to
Lake Superior State University's ban of the word '
truthiness' in "Who's Attacking Me Now?", and gay.com's naming of Colbert as Person of the Year in "Who's Honoring Me Now?"; gives "Stephen's Sound Advice" for getting over the winter blues. | |||||
195 | " Texas Hold 'Em" | Jim Cramer | "I'm the frosting on America's cake! Tonight, I'll let you lick the bowl. This is The Colbert Report!" | January 9 | 3002 |
Freem replaces superstantial in the opening sequence. Colbert thanks former
Archbishop of Warsaw
Stanisław Wielgus for being caught in a Catholic church scandal of a non-sexual nature; scorns Democrats for taking a day off Congress for the
college football National Championship game, with quick suggestion of taking a day off for an
Ontario Junior League Hockey game; begins new segment "We the MEdiator" to pick sides in celebrity feuds, featuring
Rosie O'Donnell vs.
Donald Trump,
Angelina Jolie vs.
Madonna, and
Amitabh Bachchan vs.
Shahrukh Khan; and ends the show in tribute to
James Brown by declaring himself the new "hardest working man in show business". | |||||
196 | "Worry" | David Kamp | "Who's buried in Grant's Tomb? Give up? I hope the police do too. This is The Colbert Report!" | January 10 | 3003 |
Stephen criticizes Bush for not sending 300 million troops as Colbert advised the day before but he pardons him if this is "the only mistake he makes in this war". He then talks about illegal immigration in a new segment called "Invasion of the Country Snatchers" and about the new Democratic senator of
Missouri and its liberal legislation in the Wørd-Segment. After the break there is a new episode of Stephen's Tek Jansen adventures. | |||||
197 | "None" | Ken Roth, Judy Woodruff | "Tonight's show is an anagram. Can you unscramble it in time? This is The Colbert Report!" | January 11 | 3004 |
Stephen starts with another episode of his challenge "What Number is Stephen thinking of?" with a clip from 2005. He then celebrates 5 years of
Guantanamo Bay and talks to the executive director of
Human Rights Watch,
Ken Roth. After that he does a "Tip of the Hat/Wag of the finger", double-wagging
Apple (claiming this is his first double-wag) for 1) changing their name to "Apple, Inc." and 2) bringing out the
iPhone. He urges Apple to stop bundling new apps into gizmos, before they start coming after
John Connor. He then talks to Judy Woodruff about the "Generation Next", blaming
Jon Stewart when he hears that most young people are liberal-minded. | |||||
198 | "Victory!" | Alex Kuczynski | "Don't watch tonight's show if you're in jail, because the truth will set you free. This is The Colbert Report." | January 15 | 3005 |
Wishing viewers a happy
Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, Colbert calls for a nationwide lie-in to refuse engaging in "anything at all", in the style of passive protest such as
Rosa Parks, then attacks Senator
Barbara Boxer for comments suggesting
Condoleezza Rice has no personal ties to the Iraq War. Colbert praises the army for lowering recruitment expectations to be filled; channels last week's guest
Jim Cramer for a new financial segment "Stephen's Bears and Balls" focusing on real estate, oil,
Cingular's name change,
soy milk, and
beef jerky. | |||||
199 | "Symbolic" | Dinesh D'Souza | "Before we begin, I need to do my vocal warm-ups. Me, me, me, me, me, me! This is The Colbert Report." | January 16 | 3006 |
In anticipation of
Bill O'Reilly arriving in-studio on Thursday, Colbert lashes out at Jimmy the director for a squeaky chair. In a new segment "Invasion of the Country Snatchers", Colbert profiles immigration issues, from an Italian-descended anti-immigrant possible Presidential nominee, to a chain of pizza restaurants which accept
pesos, segueing into
Letters from Iwo Jima winning the Best foreign Film
Golden Globe. In another "Stephen Colbert's Sport Report", Colbert covers
David Beckham playing for Los Angeles, and an anti-Colbert movement of fans
throwing teddy bears on the ice when the
Saginaw Spirit played the
Oshawa Generals in the
Ontario Hockey League. | |||||
200 | "None" | Lynn Swann, Richard A. Clarke | "It's our 200th episode, our bi-centennial: Where is my commemorative quarter, U.S. mint?! This is The Colbert Report!" | January 17 | 3007 |
Still in anticipation of
Bill O'Reilly arriving in-studio on Thursday Colbert is more nervous than the day before, bringing out some cherished objects he plans to show O'Reilly the next day. He then talks about the
NFL play-offs with
Lynn Swann, trying to trash talk all teams except the
New Orleans Saints who he favors. After the break "Better know a district" continues with
Washington's 3rd congressional district representative,
Brian Baird. | |||||
201 | "Go It Alone" | Bill O'Reilly | "Caution, you are about to watch me enter a no spin zone. This is The Colbert Report!" | January 18 | 3008 |
The big day is here, so Colbert is crazy with anticipation that
Bill O'Reilly will be on the show, stating that his only goal with this show was to see this day, which makes him reveal a "
Mission Accomplished" banner and open the last door on his "Bill O'Reilly advent calendar" (in which he finds
Geraldo's mustache). He then turns back to US politics talking about Bush's plans to rise the troop levels in Iraq. He then talks about fights between celebrities on his segment "We the MEdiator", rethinking his last week's judgements. | |||||
202 | "Exact Words" | Thomas Schaller | "Hey America. I was thinking if you're not busy for the next half-hour, maybe you'd like to, I don't know, you know, watch the show? It's not a date or anything; we're just hanging out. This is The Colbert Report!" | January 22 | 3009 |
Stephen is disappointed at the loss by the
New Orleans Saints to the
Chicago "God-less killing Machines" Bears. In another "Who's Riding My Coattails Now?", Colbert calls out
Bill Clinton for speaking at
Knox College after Colbert already had, and artist
Terence Koh for selling
sperm (in his art) after Stephen's Formula 401 line. The Word is based on the refusal of
Alberto Gonzales to admit a right of the people not stated specifically in the Constitution. In another "Stephen Colbert's Balls For Kidz", gambling is discussed. | |||||
203 | "None" | Michael S. Steele | "Stay tuned for 22 minutes of highlights from tonight's show. This is The Colbert Report." | January 23 | 3010 |
Stephen explains that this is the second of two episodes they taped on January 22, so that he can host a
State of the Union address party on the 23rd.
Russ Lieber appears in-studio to comment on new laws of the Democrat-controlled Congress. A new Threatdown is "Media Watchdog" themed. The episode ends with Colbert asking the audience if they want to do another 22 minutes. | |||||
204 | "Great News" | Lou Dobbs | "Cleanliness is next to Godliness: Churches, fill your baptismal fonts with Purell." | January 24 | 3011 |
Lou Dobbs, author of War on the Middle Class, faces the truth hammer when he sits down to talk with Stephen. | |||||
205 | "S.M.A.F.U." | Mike Wallace | "Nation, It's time to grab the bull by the horns! If there are no horns, you're grabbing a cow, stop it! This is the Colbert Report!" | January 25 | 3012 |
Bill O'Reilly spills the beans on Stephen, and says what he really thought of him on his show. Colbert interviews Coach
Bob Mancini of the
Saginaw Spirit. And he doesn't like how he stands on the
SMU dispute over
Bush's library. | |||||
206 | " Wikilobbying" | Barry Lando | "A, E, I, O, U, and sometimes Y? Consonant or vowel, make up your mind, we're at war. This is the Colbert Report!" | January 29 | 3013 |
Colbert wins bet with mayor of Oshawa after Saginaw Spirit defeated
Oshawa Generals. Colbert discusses
Microsoft
paying Rick Jelliffe for Wikipedia edits, and concludes that truth has become a commodity. He offers on air five dollars to the first person to write "reality has become a commodity" on Wikipedia. Wag of the finger to
Scientology, which named
Tom Cruise as the "Christ" of the cult. | |||||
207 | "None" | Donna Shalala | "I am the Hall to America's Oates. This is The Colbert Report!" | January 30 | 3014 |
Colbert opens the show by showing a clip from
Fox News'
Fox & Friends, talking about the invisible beam that makes a person think he is on fire. Colbert then talks about how he stole his neighbor's
New York Times and argues with
David Leonhardt about what one could do with $1.2 trillion. This is followed by a new segment, "Judge, Jury, and Executioner" and ends by revealing the new microwave (fitted with a Colbert Report logo) which he would be sending to
Bill O'Reilly after stealing his earlier.
[1] | |||||
208 | " Black sheep" | Jed Babbin | "Warning, the contents of USA Today are really about the USA yesterday. This is The Colbert Report!" | January 31 | 3015 |
Colbert opens the show by discussing the "problem" with
Global warming and in protest replaces Bobby with a 5000 Watt heat lamp. This is followed by the return of the "On Notice" board and the introduction of the "Fantasies" board.
Jane Fonda (his fantasy) and
The Weather Channel are placed on notice and
Lutherans and
E Street Band are taken off. This is followed by the 39th installment of
Better Know a District, with
New York's 6th congressional district representative,
Gregory Meeks. |
No. | " The Wørd" | Guest(s) | Introductory phrase | Original air date | Production code |
---|---|---|---|---|---|
209 | "We Shall Overcome" | Chuck Schumer | " Super Bowl Sunday isn't for three more days, but Colbert Report Thursday starts right now! This is The Colbert Report!" | February 1 | 3016 |
Colbert comments on the
2007 Boston Mooninite Scare that occurred in Boston and laments the fact that he can no longer proceed with his obviously threatening-looking advertisements. This is followed by the "Movies Destroying America" segment, commenting on
Steve Carell's nomination and
Ellen DeGeneres hosting. The show is ended by Colbert presenting "The Most Poetic F#@king Thing I've Ever Heard" | |||||
210 | "Second Opinion" | Wendy Kopp | "Hey! Peyton Manning! I'm going to Disneyworld, too! Let's go halfsies on a Day Pass! This is The Colbert Report!" | February 5 | 3017 |
Colbert is ecstatic at the slaughtering the Bears underwent in
Super Bowl XLI. Also, he introduces a new product "Formula 419" (A combination of his Formula 401 and 18,
Peyton Manning's Jersey number). Then, Colbert notes that Stephen Jr. has returned from Canada and back into Washington (unfortunately in Washington's 3rd, where Better Known representative
Brian Baird has lobbied for a new hunting law). Colbert asks residents of North Oregon to lure Stephen Jr. out. This is followed by the Threatdown: Energy Efficiency, Giant Mexican Babies, Naked People, Miss America, Valentine Candy. Valentine Candy is #1, for introducing new candy hearts which say "Bear Hug" on them. | |||||
211 | "Making A Killing" | Charlie LeDuff | "I'm attacking American enemies like a spurned astronaut! This is The Colbert Report!" | February 6 | 3018 |
Colbert receives a message from Master Media International that they would be praying on his behalf on February 22. This is followed by the 40th installment of
Better Know A District (Ohio's 18th with congressman
Zack Space). | |||||
212 | "Silence" | Steven Pinker | "Now's your chance to fall in love with Colbert Colbert all over again. This is The Colbert Report!" | February 7 | 3019 |
Colbert starts by introducing a new segment, "California Values Watch". After addressing San Francisco Mayor
Gavin Newsom's recent problems. Then talks about the controversy stirred between Representatives
Loretta Sanchez and
Joe Baca. This is followed by the series finale of
Tek Jansen. | |||||
213 | "None" | Debra Dickerson, Chris Hedges | "And if you think this sounds good, then you will enjoy this show! This is The Colbert Report!" | February 8 | 3020 |
Stephen starts by talking about the astronaut incident on the news and especially that everyone talks about
Lisa Nowak wearing a diaper, admitting that he too wears a diaper during his workday. He then claims that
Henry Kissinger called him to get him to run for president, which he says he will "not" do (or will he?) but he has formed an exploratory committee on whether to form an exploratory committee. He then talks about
Barack Obama's presidential chances with
Debra Dickerson (who claims that Obama is not black in the traditional sense). After the break he talks about the
Scooter Libby trial which he compares with the
Salem Witch Trials in a segment called "Was it really that bad?" | |||||
214 | "Inappropriate" | Michael Oppenheimer | "Happy birthday Charles Darwin, in Hell!! This is The Colbert Report." | February 12 | 3021 |
Stephen starts by dancing/singing "
My Humps" behind his desk and discusses
Grammys. He then talks about criticism of the
Iraq War transitioning into "The Wørd." This is followed by a "Tip of the Hat – Wag of the Finger" segment, in which he commends Australian Prime Minister
John Howard for his attack on Barack Obama, but also chastises him for attacking an American citizen. He then talks with guest
Michael Oppenheimer about his
climate change report. He closes by naming
Bollywood iconic actor
Amitabh Bachchan, who survived a camel kick to the head, "Alpha Dog of the Week." | |||||
215 | " Frenemy" | Sheryl WuDunn | None, The episode starts right with the theme song. | February 13 | 3022 |
Colbert talks about the Chinese Menace, entitling a Colbert Report special report "Apocalypse Mao: Murdered By The Orient's Success". | |||||
216 | "Bad Medicine" | Lance Armstrong | "Nation, be mine. This is The Colbert Report." | February 14 | 3023 |
Stephen makes correction, that the Chinese have four times more population than the US, not three. Colbert admonishes people teaching
seniors about sex. Sport Report: about the
Westminster Dog Show, the
Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition, and mentions that the
Saginaw Spirit had reached the playoffs. | |||||
217 | "None" | Shashi Tharoor | "There is an 'I' in 'team' the way I spell it. This is the Colbert Report." | February 15 | 3024 |
Colbert talks about how Mastermedia International will pray for him on February 22. Asks
J. J. Abrams how his prayer day went, with photo of
Jimmie "J.J." Walker showing. Then he moves on, to talking about
Helen Thomas losing her front row seat at the
White House press room. Interviews
Candice Bergen by phone about her prayer day too.
Better Know A District guest was
Vic Snyder from
Arkansas's 2nd congressional district. | |||||
218 | "Success" | Zev Chafets | "And... the award.. for the best adaptation of the truth.. goes to.. [Opens envelope, a la the Academy Awards] This is the Colbert Report!" | February 26 | 3025 |
Stephen compares Britain leaving
Iraq to Britain leaving the U.S. and India – saying it will cause a flourish of Democracy. | |||||
219 | "Recoil" | Craig Venter | "A portion of this program has been recorded at a frequency only dogs can hear." (Silently mouths "This is the Colbert Report.") | February 27 | 3026 |
Stephen comments on a recent report about
Al Gore's energy usage.
Outdoor Life fires a columnist for calling for an
assault rifle ban, an action Colbert commends in the Wørd.
Steagle Colbeagle the Eagle is named a top mascot, behind only the Toronto Raptor. As a result, the
Toronto Raptors are moved from "on notice" to "dead to me." Tip/Wag: Wag to
Bilk (Japanese beer + milk company), Tip to 107-year-old Chan Chi. | |||||
220 | "None" | Nina Jablonski | "February, if you had any balls, you'd be three days longer. This is the Colbert Report." | February 28 | 3027 |
Colbert comments on how
David Geffen has switched his support from
Hillary Clinton to
Barack Obama. Then he mentions how
Tom Vilsack chickened out of the presidential race, and interviews him in a new segment, Profiles in Quitters. And Problems Without Solutions, special report about SAHD's (
Stay-at-home dad's), which Colbert says is against nature's laws. |
No. | " The Wørd" | Guest(s) | Introductory phrase | Original air date | Production code |
---|---|---|---|---|---|
221 | "Bury The Lead" | Larry King | "Hey America, are you thinking what I'm thinking? You soon will be. This is The Colbert Report." | March 1 | 3028 |
Mr. Colbert thanks those who prayed for him last Thursday, with his prayer hat and
foam fingers. Also he comments on the coverage of the
Anna Nicole Smith story.
Better Know A District guest was
Steve Cohen from
Tennessee's 9th congressional district. | |||||
222 | "None" | Ben & Jerry, Mara Vanderslice | "Honk if you love the truth and please stop watching TV while you're driving. This is The Colbert Report." | March 5 | 3029 |
Stephen comments on how many politicians have visited
Walter Reed Hospital since the scandal.
Ben and Jerry appeared to promote their new
ice cream flavor named in honor of Stephen. Bears & Balls segment about recent economic fluctuations. And Mara Vanderslice talked about how
Democrats can adapt to reach out to Christians. | |||||
223 | "WWJD [What Would Jesus Dispense]" | Mark Frauenfelder | "For best results, apply this program four times daily. This is The Colbert Report." | March 6 | 3030 |
Stephen brags about winning the
Mega Millions drawing, which hadn't happened yet. In this segment he also mocks
Viacom CEO
Sumner Redstone. Then he talks about how
Lewis "Scooter" Libby was found Not Guilty on 1 of the 5 counts. In The Word segment, Colbert commends doctors who refuse to treat patients for religious reasons.
[2] ThreatDown segment:
No. 1 was
Gravity. | |||||
224 | "Don't" | Michael Specter | "Farewell Ernest Gallo. In your honor, I'm doing tonight's show hammered. This is The Colbert Report." | March 7 | 3031 |
Colbert makes a rare correction about winning
Mega Millions drawing, and calls his boss
Sumner Redstone to grovel. The Word was about removing the military
Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy. Then there was 2007's first installment of "Easter Under Attack": proposed
Easter Bunny name change to spring bunny. And Michael Specter talks about
Vladimir Putin's suppression of and mysterious deaths of journalists in Russia. | |||||
225 | "Comic Justice" | Ted Koppel | "You got to crack a few eggs to make an omelet. That's not a metaphor, I want someone to make me an omelet. This is The Colbert Report." | March 8 | 3032 |
Stephen wonders why the media is still discussing the Libby trial. Then he talks about the death of
Captain America, and adds more in The Word.
Better Know A District guest was
John Yarmuth from
Kentucky's 3rd congressional district. | |||||
226 | "Home Field Advantage" | Nicholas Kristof | "Can anyone lend me 20 bucks? I can go to a cash machine after the show. This is The Colbert Report." | March 12 | 3033 |
Stephen upbraids
Bill Gates for giving charitably to other nations while bemoaning America's faltering competitiveness. He retracts his disparaging comments about
Captain America when he learns that the superhero has bequeathed him
his shield. | |||||
227 | "Goodnight" | Michael Eric Dyson | "I'm the host, which makes you my guests. Hope you brought some wine; it's polite. This is The Colbert Report." | March 13 | 3034 |
Stephen closes the show by announcing The Word ("Goodnight"), after which the credits roll. | |||||
228 | "High Fidelity" | Ed Viesturs | "It's Pi Day today – 3.14. That must be why I'm acting so irrational. This is The Colbert Report." | March 14 | 3035 |
Colbert introduces a new segment, "When
Ancestors Attack." Then he mentions how
Colorado has made
John Denver's "
Rocky Mountain High" their second official song. Sport Report: advice on filling out
March Madness brackets. | |||||
229 | "None" | Ayaan Hirsi Ali | "Beware – Today's Ides of March alert level is at 'Orange.' This is The Colbert Report." | March 15 | 3036 |
Stephen celebrates the last
St. Patrick's Day ever! Then he moves on to how Latin America has so many rabid admirers of
President Bush, with comments from Esteban Colberto. In the 44th installment of
Better Know A District, the guest was
Phil Hare of
Illinois's 17th congressional district. | |||||
230 | "Pound Of Flesh" | Jerome Groopman | "Well, my bracket is shot. This is The Colbert Report." | March 19 | 3037 |
Stephen talks about the latest attack in DC, on him, by
Rahm Emanuel.
[3] The Word refers to
South Carolina proposing to allow prisoners to donate organs to reduce jail time. Threatdown: 5.Angry seniors, 4.Dancing seniors, 3.
Time Magazine, 2.
Fertility clinics, 1.the
U.S. Food and Drug Administration. And the "Alpha Dog Of the Week" was awarded to Robert Hancock of
Carterville, Illinois. | |||||
231 | "Supernatural" | Willie Nelson, Richard Holbrooke | "Hey camels, stop showing off and drink something. This is The Colbert Report." | March 20 | 3038 |
While unveiling threat #
.5 as an addendum to yesterday's threatdown, Colbert finds himself in agreement with a German environmentalist over the
euthanasia of
Knut, a polar bear cub at the
Berlin zoo, until Colbert becomes suddenly enamored when viewing footage of the cub. Later, Colbert collects on a
hockey bet with the mayor of
Oshawa, Ontario, wherein this day would become "Stephen Colbert Day" in the town; the day was chosen to be the same day as the mayor's birthday. During the interview with
Willie Nelson, Colbert summons US diplomat
Richard Holbrooke to
mediate, given Stephen's ire over Willie's competing
Ben & Jerry's ice cream flavor. Later all three performed Willie's hit song "
On the Road Again" with
Bobby on rhythm guitar. | |||||
232 | "Sex" | Benjamin Barber | "It's the first day of spring. Birds and bees, wait 'til you're married. This is The Colbert Report" | March 21 | 3039 |
In the 45th installment of
Better Know A District, the guest was
Maurice Hinchey from
New York's 22nd congressional district. | |||||
233 | "None" | Katie Couric | "America, your letter writing campaign was successful. The show's coming back tonight. This is The Colbert Report!" | March 22 | 3040 |
Debate over DC-residents voting bill with Congresswoman
Eleanor Holmes Norton. Criticism over
Chicago Sun-Times face reading expert Rose Rosetree's interpretation of Stephen's facial features. Phone conversation with Coach
Bob Mancini of the
Saginaw Spirit about the
Ontario Hockey League playoffs. | |||||
234 | "None" | Gwen Ifill, John Perry Barlow | "Warning: refreshing as it is, this show will not replace your electrolytes. This is The Colbert Report!" | March 26 | 3041 |
Stephen expressed his anger that a severed
mummy hand was recently sold at
auction, but not to him; the hand was the earliest example of we're
No. #1. In response to
Rahm Emanuel's practice of discouraging fellow congressional representatives to decline interviews with
Stephen Colbert, Colbert played an interview of him conducted by
PBS's
Gwen Ifill rife with potential misinterpretations. He showed highlights from last week's "
Stephen Colbert Day" in
Oshawa, Ontario, including footage of a fight between team mascots and Canadians impersonating
Stephen Colbert. During the interview with John Perry Barlow, Colbert created the
catch phrase "Librarians are hiding something" in response to the discussion over the
Electronic Frontier Foundation suit against
Viacom, (
Comedy Central's parent company) over the right to use parody despite a
copyright. | |||||
235 | "None" | Madeleine Albright, James Fallows | "Nation, you're like a family. That's why this year I'm claiming you all as dependents. This is The Colbert Report!" | March 27 | 3042 |
Stephen chided
Sean Penn for his blunt criticism of the Bush administration. Colbert discusses Iran, specifically a clash over religion, with former US Secretary of State
Madeleine Albright who took the opportunity to promote her new book
The Mighty and the Almighty: Reflections on America, God, and World Affairs. On the feature 'Tip of the hat, wag of the finger' Colbert took a strong line against children doing
methamphetamine, questioned the need for an
all-gay cable channel and criticized scientists for creating a new breed of sheep. | |||||
236 | " Monkey Business" | Jabari Asim | "This one's for the old blue, white and red — not necessarily in that order. This is The Colbert Report!" | March 28 | 3043 |
Stephen displayed his disappointment at the elimination of
Paulina Porizkova from
Dancing with the Stars, especially given that her husband
Ric Ocasek is a friend of the
show. Colbert discussed oil found in the Arctic Ocean near Russia, and an attempt to add Italy to the
Axis of Evil led to an uncharacteristic breakdown. Later, Colbert discussed the
N-word with author
Jabari Asim, who wrote a book on the subject. | |||||
237 | "Lemon-Raid" | Clive James | "If you're doing yoga, time to transition into the downward facing eagle. This is The Colbert Report." | March 29 | 3044 |
First, Colbert questioned the necessity of the
Equal Rights Amendment, since everyone should be on the
honor system. Later, Colbert cited the promulgation of
John McCain that
Sadr City is much safer than it was three months ago thanks to the military surge, despite the first-hand reports by
Michael Ware that it is not safe for an American to leave the
Green Zone. In response, Colbert suggested that Americans think of Iraq's capitol as
Neverland. (Stephen noted that a
mermaid said of
Christiane Amanpour: "We were only trying to drown her," just as in
Peter Pan.) Later, Colbert proclaimed the heroism of a dog which performed
CPR on its owner. After the break, Colbert decided to create and submit cover photos to
Harlequin Enterprises given their interest in replacing the staid images based on fantasy with more realistic men. Colbert volunteered the intern Meg to help him stage the photos. |
No. | " The Wørd" | Guest(s) | Introductory phrase | Original air date | Production code |
---|---|---|---|---|---|
238 | "None" | Colin Beavan and Katrina vanden Heuvel | " Christos Anestis! This is The Colbert Report!" | April 9 | 3045 |
Colbert celebrates the 4th anniversary of the
liberation of Baghdad, while he eats his "
Stephen Colbert's AmeriCone Dream" ice cream. He continues to eat it through the show. And announces that is now the number one flavor of
Ben & Jerry's. He also runs an empty microwave in response to a family's attempt to live a "no
environmental impact" lifestyle. Also in a fake radio show, Colbert insults
Hungarians, reminiscent of the
Don Imus scandal. | |||||
239 | " Hip Replacement" | Jeannette Walls, András Simonyi | "Turn-offs: phony people. Turn-ons: people who watch my show … and sex. This is The Colbert Report." | April 10 | 3046 |
Stephen scolded the
15 British sailors whom after recently returning from captivity in
Iran were seeking to publish accounts of their experience. In "The Wørd", he talked about America's bogus health care crisis. Colbert then changed the subject to an ethnic remark that he made against Hungarians on his fictional radio show, Colbert On the Ert (pronounced "air"), in which he described
Hungarians as "those
paprika-snorting ghoulies." Later, Colbert offered advice on the housing market in a "Bears & Balls" segment, with his big red sound effect button. During the interview with
Jeannette Walls, she talks about her book about growing up
homeless. Finally, Colbert was surprised to hear Hungarian Ambassador,
András Simonyi on the set riffing on a
bald eagle-embossed electric guitar. | |||||
240 | "Season Pass" | Vali Nasr | "The Colbert promise: If you don't like this show, your money back. (Cable fees not included.) This is The Colbert Report." | April 11 | 3047 |
Stephen introduced the latest eponymic animal, Stephanie Colburtle, one of the leatherback sea turtles being tracked from
Costa Rica to the
Galápagos Islands. In "The Wørd", Colbert revisited Monday's story about the
15 British sailors; in response to a British colonel making the distinction between the soldiers' experiences and reality TV, Colbert devised the notion that perhaps Americans should "make the war a reality show" to achieve success in Iraq and to prepare for a future "spin-off in Iraq." In the Sport Report (pronounced "spore re-pore"), criminal activity of athletes and the
Saginaw Spirit's end of the season were discussed. During the interview, Colbert admitted to
Vali Nasr that he might consider admitting the Iraq war to be a mistake if it meant that he wouldn't have needed to learn the difference between
Sunni and
Shia Muslims. | |||||
241 | " Body Armor" | Dr. Richard Land | " Welcome to the Monkey House. This is The Colbert Report." | April 12 | 3048 |
Stephen criticized
Democratic senator
Harry Reid for using "politicizing the war in Iraq" by citing a translation of a recent speech by
Pope Benedict XVI. In "The Wørd," Colbert praised the president for proposing a new "
war czar" position that would "chiefly be in command" of managing wars. Later aired a video describing Stephen's building manager Tad's quest to find a female companion for Stephen Jr., the eponymous bald eagle being tracked by
GPS. Finally, Colbert challenged
Richard Land to name one thing that conservatives have gotten wrong, specifically in regard to their invocation of God to justify political decisions. | |||||
242 | "Clean Slate" | John Kerry | "Some parts of this episode are void in Alaska and Hawaii. This is The Colbert Report." | April 16 | 3049 |
Stephen begins by issuing a correction for having called
Boyd K. Packer the "
Mormon Pope" or "Mope," when he is more of a Mormon Cardinal, or "Mardinal." Colbert then compares
Don Imus' firing with upcoming testimony of
Alberto Gonzales before Congress regarding the U.S. Attorney firings scandal. In the second act, Colbert comments on
Paulina Porizkova referring to Colbert as "so hot" in an interview and places a call to her home, but ends up leaving a voicemail claiming to be Dr.
Stephen Hawking. And names
Paul Wolfowitz his Alpha Dog of the Week, or in this case, Alpha Wolf of the Week for his role in the
World Bank scandal. | |||||
243 | "Plan B" | Elaine Pagels | "I'd never get a $400 haircut. [4] I'd get $100 haircuts four times a week. This is The Colbert Report." | April 17 | 3050 |
Stephen announced that he will be having a
metaphor-off with
Sean Penn on Thursday's show. Update on Stephanie Colburtle the turtle who was in 2nd place at the time of broadcast on the race to the
Galápagos Islands, by some logic "proving
Darwin wrong." Short mention of
Iraqi insurgents. On the section Tip of the hat, wag of the finger, Colbert responded to several stories (failure of
abstinence-only sex education, cell phones interfering with the navigation of bees, "fake sperm" which "allow lesbians to have their own biological daughters," and a Japanese company recalling
bidets which have been known to emit fire). | |||||
244 | "Branding" | Paulina Porizkova | "If you're watching outside of your coverage area, this is a $10 co-pay. This is The Colbert Report." | April 18 | 3051 |
On Who's NOT honoring me now, Colbert complained that he was not being awarded a
Pulitzer Prize in journalism. In "The Wørd," Colbert suggested the corporate
sponsorship of the War on Terror since the "
War on Terror is more than a name." Video showed promoting
bovine growth hormones in dairy cows. In the interview, Colbert asked Paulina to state again that "Stephen is hot!" The two then discussed Paulina's supermodel status – Colbert certified her as a current supermodel since he is an "arbiter of American taste" — and the world of modeling in general. | |||||
245 | "$400 Haircut [4]" | Robert Pinsky, Sean Penn | "A dozen is 12. Bakers, learn how to count. This is The Colbert Report." | April 19 | 3052 |
Stephen balks at a scientific study saying that
chimpanzees are more evolved than humans in
DNA. On "The Wørd," he talks about
John Edwards' $400 haircut and considers him going over to the Republican party. Colbert then interviews
Sean Penn, and leads to a Meta-Free-Phor-All hosted by Pinsky (the decider of topics for the rounds used humorous pictures and sound effects in the style of The Daily Show's "God Machine," which Colbert usually took part in). Penn uses the "soiled and blood-soaked underwear" metaphor three times. The last round features an image of
George W. Bush in said underwear, and Sean Penn wins 10 million points, much to the dismay of Stephen. | |||||
246 | "None" | Mike Huckabee, Russell Simmons | "The weather's warmed up, and I'm showing some skin. This is The Colbert Report!" | April 23 | 3053 |
247 | "Act Globally" | Dr. Andrew Weil | "Happy second anniversary, Pope Benedict! You'll always be Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger to me. This is The Colbert Report. | April 24 | 3054 |
The first act opens with a remembrance of
Boris Yeltsin. Colbert continues with a combative interview with
Eleanor Holmes Norton regarding a recent bill to give the
District of Columbia a vote in the
U.S. House of Representatives. In "The Wørd," Colbert comments on
United States Environmental Protection Agency Administrator
Stephen Johnson's announcement that the Bush Administration's anti-
global warming efforts are delivering "real results". Colbert continues with news of Russia's new regulation that all broadcasts must be 50% good news. The "Alpha Dog of the Week," went to
Uncle Ben's for "breaking through the
Jemima ceiling". In the interview, Colbert speculates that Dr. Weil is
Dr. Phil's alter ego without a beard. | |||||
248 | "Sacrifice" | David Walker | "They found a new Earth-like planet, drive that Hummer all you want! This is The Colbert Report." | April 25 | 3055 |
Colbert decides that a new name is necessary for the long war, and comes up with Freemerican Victernity Made in China. He then backs the idea of having
illegal immigrants fight in the armed services in exchange for citizenship. He points out his position on the cover of
GQ, then complains about the
Four Horsemen of the A-pop-calypse: movies, television, music, and books. | |||||
249 | " Mending Wall" | Madeleine Bordallo, Tom Wolfe | "Happy National TV Turn-Off Week, you hypocrites! This is The Colbert Report." | April 26 | 3056 |
Stephen is unhappy at the fact that Stephanie Colburtle The Turtle did not win The Great Turtle Race, after being bested by another turtle named Billy. He claims Billy is a male, and demands a re-race. (After explaining that one can tell the sex of a turtle by the
concavity of its
plastron, Colbert says that he checks the plastron on "all [his] dates, and if it's not concave, [he is] outta there." However, a concave plastron denotes a male turtle.) On "The Wørd," he talks about the suggested walled-up neighborhoods of
Baghdad, quoting from the military that these are but "
gated communities" and tells how these areas can be put to good use, in terms of real estate. He continues his four-part series "Better know a
Protectorate," with
Guam, interviewing
Delegate
Madeleine Bordallo. | |||||
250 | "None" | Neil deGrasse Tyson, Bill Bradley | "It's the last day of April. One more month 'till Speedo season! Do your squats. This is The Colbert Report." | April 30 | 3057 |
No. | " The Wørd" | Guest(s) | Introductory phrase | Original air date | Production code |
---|---|---|---|---|---|
251 | "Who Cares?" | Malcolm Gladwell | "Tonight the part of Stephen Colbert will be played by, Stephen Col-Bert. The Management regrets any inconvenience. This is The Colbert Report." | May 1 | 3058 |
252 | "Better Safe Than Sorry" | Mike Gravel, Gina Kolata | "Caution: Tonight's show may be a suffocation hazard, because you can't poke holes in my arguments. This is The Colbert Report." | May 2 | 3059 |
Colbert celebrates Bush's veto of the Iraq troop funding bill. He then argues that it's better to torture a few innocent people if it keeps terrorists from getting away. In the second segment, he interviews
Mike Gravel about his statements during the recent Democratic presidential debate. Finally, he interviews Gina Kolata about her recent book on diets. | |||||
253 | "The Unquisition" | Conn Iggulden | "I will now make a brief thirty minute statement followed by no questions. This is The Colbert Report." | May 3 | 3060 |
Colbert comments on the recent half clay, half grass tennis match between
Roger Federer and
Rafael Nadal, then places grass over half of his desk. He then commends
atheists for organizing themselves in Europe, so they'll be easier to fight. In Better Know a District,
Tom Davis, from
Virginia's 11th congressional district is interviewed. Finally, Colbert chats with Conn Iggulden about his recent book stating that boys should be encouraged to take risks while growing up. | |||||
254 | "The Intolerant" | Richard Preston | "Guests of The Colbert Report stay on the fabulous couches of their friends. This is The Colbert Report." | May 7 | 3061 |
Stephen sends a coded message to the recently elected conservative, pro-American, French President
Nicolas Sarkozy. Then he comments on the liberal bias of the questions at last week's first
debate of
Republican Party presidential candidates. And on the segment "Cheating Death with Dr. Colbert T. Colbert, D.F.A.", his solution to health problems is to give people his "Vaxadrin". Also, Colbert defined the term
Enviroporn as the having of sex in trees of enormous height. Enviroporn is executed without the aid of harnesses or other safety equipment, but instead a boat-like structure (which Richard Preston describes in his book The Wild Trees) | |||||
255 | "Rendered Moot" | Nassim Nicholas Taleb | "Hey, Transformers: robots, or cars? We're at war, pick a side. This is The Colbert Report." | May 8 | 3062 |
Colbert gives a shout out to the
USS Rhode Island. He then blasts Hillary Clinton's bill to revoke the
Iraq War authorization. The second segment features a ThreatDown: 5.
Oprah, 4. Publicists, 3.
Austrians, 2. Spiders, 1.
Knut, calling him the
Justin Timberlake of godless killing machines. Finally, Colbert discusses Taleb's
Black swan theory. | |||||
256 | "None" | Salman Rushdie, Jane Fonda | "Clothes don't make the man, God does. Stop taking credit, my pants! This is The Colbert Report." | May 9 | 3063 |
Stephen tries to interview Jane Fonda, with her sitting on his lap the whole time. | |||||
257 | "Illusion" | Jann Wenner | "This show is an acquired taste. If you don't like it, acquire some taste. This is The Colbert Report." | May 10 | 3064 |
Stephen makes a Korean R&B video after finishing 2nd in the Time 100 Most Influential People online poll to Korean pop star
Rain. Colbert then names
Naperville, Illinois his "Hometown Hero Town." | |||||
258 | "Supporting Role" | William Langewiesche | "Happy belated Mother's Day! This is The Colbert Report." | May 14 | 3065 |
259 | "Heated Debate" | Walter Isaacson | " This way lies madness, because I'm mad at a lot of things. This is The Colbert Report." | May 15 | 3066 |
260 | "Level Playing Field" | Howard Dean | "Watch this show in a well ventilated area. My truth can be overpowering. This is The Colbert Report." | May 16 | 3067 |
261 | "None" | Tom DeLay, Randy Kearse | "If you like The Colbert Report, then you'll love what's coming next. This is The Colbert Report." | May 17 | 3068 |
262 | "His Way" | Jared Diamond | ""I give you 360° of news, minus my 36° finder's fee. This is The Colbert Report" | May 21 | 3069 |
263 | "Party of Change" | John Amaechi | "This show is taped before a live studio audience, as soon as someone removes that dead guy. (pointing to audience) This is The Colbert Report." | May 22 | 3070 |
Stephen calls
Barack Obama a liar, for telling the truth about the false claims on him. ThreatDown Segment:
No.4 was
Michael Moore's upcoming movie "
Sicko" for attempting to bring
socialized medicine to the U.S. And
No.1 was
environmentalists for trying to establish
trust funds for
grey wolves and bears. | |||||
264 | "None" | Bay Buchanan, Bob Deans | "Congratulations, person who won American Idol, I knew it. This is The Colbert Report." | May 23 | 3071 |
Colbert brags that the
Democrats
cut and run on the
Iraq War Funding Bill, by playing the
Burl Ives song, "
Frog Went A-Courting". He also reports on
Lou Dobbs' comment, that Mexican immigrants have
leprosy. Mini-ThreatDown:
Anthony Pellicano, former
P.I. to the stars, which causes Colbert to play voice messages from 1999, about taking
Jon Stewart out. | |||||
265 | "None" | Jimmy Wales | " I report, I decide. This is The Colbert Report." | May 24 | 3072 |
Better Know A District,
Raúl Grijalva from
Arizona's 7th congressional district. |
No. | " The Wørd" | Guest(s) | Introductory phrase | Original air date | Production code |
---|---|---|---|---|---|
266 | "None" | Jan Schakowsky, Leon Botstein | " Loch Ness Monster, come on my show or you're nothing but a myth. This is The Colbert Report." | June 4 | 3073 |
267 | "Mission Control" | Jessica Valenti | "To me, every day is the Fourth of July. Which is why so many of my checks get returned. This is The Colbert Report." | June 5 | 3074 |
Stephen mocks
The New York Times for its article the previous day, "
Romney Political Fortunes Tied to Riches He Gained in Business." Next he calls
Scooter Libby's prison sentence "ludicrous" and gives his advice to Libby about how to handle prison life. Colbert then mentions his feud with Koren pop sensation
Rain and responds to some South Korean press articles about his own previously-aired Korean pop music video. In "The Wørd" he discusses
NASA Administrator
Michael D. Griffin's recent appearance on
NPR. He complains about how the New York Times says people are calling the iPhone "the God machine."
[5] Colbert then displays
The God Machine he used on
The Daily Show. In the segment "When Animals Attack Our Morals" he talks about a pair of male flamingos at an England Zoo that adopted an abandoned chick. Finally he interviews
Jessica Valenti about her book, Full Frontal Feminism. | |||||
268 | "Airogance" | Carl Bernstein | "It's the 63rd anniversary of D-Day. Still waiting for that thank you note, France. This is The Colbert Report" | June 6 | 3075 |
Stephen talks about how the Republican candidates running in the 2008 Presidential election bashed
Bush in their third debate. Then he shows some footage from
The Situation Room when
Soledad O'Brien interviewed the leading Democratic candidates about their faith. Colbert remarks that "asking Democrats about their religion is like asking
Mel Gibson how he enjoyed his
Passover." Next Colbert goes to "The Wørd", which is a continuation of last night's discussion about
NASA Administrator
Michael D. Griffin's recent appearance on
NPR. In "Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger" Colbert wags his finger at
Fox News for discussing
Vladimir Putin's threat to aim missiles at Europe because of President Bush's plan to build missile defense shields there. Colbert tips his hat to Prospero's Books for burning books in protest for how Americans no longer have respect for the printed word.
[6] He also tips his hat to Genosis, Inc. for inventing an at-home male fertility test and uses the opportunity to plug his "Stephen Colbert's Formula 401" fertility product. Colbert wags his finger at guitar players, specifically those who gathered to play "Smoke on the Water" in Kansas City. He claims that his flight was delayed, and he missed out on the celebration. Colbert goes to commercial playing the song on his own guitar. Next Colbert interviews
Carl Bernstein about his book on
Hillary Clinton, A Woman in Charge. After the interview, Colbert talks about an octopus that has learned to open bottles with its tentacles in his segment "The Craziest F#?king Thing I've Ever Heard." | |||||
269 | "Rodham" | Cullen Murphy | "How many times do I have to tell you 'This is The Colbert Report'? One more? Fine! This is The Colbert Report." | June 7 | 3076 |
270 | "Easy A" | Michael D. Gershon | "Hey, Tony Awards, you forgot this performance: (waving his hands) This is The Colbert Report." | June 11 | 3077 |
271 | "None" | Josh Wolf | "Lights, Camera, Anger! This is The Colbert Report." | June 12 | 3078 |
272 | " Pathophysiology" | Ron Paul | " Good News! I just saved money on my car insurance by switching to no car insurance! This is The Colbert Report." | June 13 | 3079 |
Talked about the
Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy, and spoke about a report called "Psychophysiology of Male Homosexuality" by
James W. Holsinger, who has been nominated by President
George W. Bush to become
Surgeon General, that deemed homosexuality as "unnatural". The ThreatDown featured a flip-flop style: 5. Robots!, 4. Bears!, 3. Robots!, 2. Bears!, and 1. Robot Bears! | |||||
273 | "None" | Daniel Smith | "Hey Carly Simon! Thanks for writing that song about me! This is The Colbert Report." | June 14 | 3080 |
Again spoke about the
US Military's
Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy, and spoke with Stephen Benjamin, a translator who was kicked from the military for being gay. In the second part, Colbert debuted the "Summer Special Addition" of Bears and Balls, which featured ways to save money on summer vacations. Colbert spoke briefly on the economy in
Zimbabwe, mentioning the massive inflation in Zimbabwe and commenting that USD$1 equals
ZWD$50,000,000. He also spoke about
ivory, saying that several African countries want to start to collect and trade it again. | |||||
274 | "McConaughey" | Toby Keith | "I had a great Father's Day with all my kids...that I know of. This is The Colbert Report." | June 18 | 3081 |
Stephen comments on
Bob Barker's final appearance as host of
The Price Is Right. He then talks about
People Magazine naming
Matthew McConaughey their sexiest bachelor. Colbert briefly speaks about his music column on
iTunes. In the "Tip Of The Hat, Wag Of The Finger" segment, Colbert applauds
Arnold Schwarzenegger and
Republicans. Finally, Colbert interviews
Toby Keith, who also performs. | |||||
275 | "None" | Anne-Marie Slaughter | "Hey oscillating fans! Left or right? Pick a side! We're at war! This is The Colbert Report!" | June 19 | 3082 |
Stephen comments on the secret
Eric Clapton concert to be held for charity. He then talks about his eagle "son," Colbert Jr, and that
bald eagles are about to come off of the
Endangered Species list. Colbert then talks with MaryBeth Garrigan (and her eagle, Harriet) about National Eagle Day, to be held on June 20. He spoke about
Isaac Newton's prediction on when the
world will end. Colbert names
Robert Bork the "Alpha Dog Of The Week." Finally, Colbert interviews
Anne-Marie Slaughter about America's values. | |||||
276 | "Justice/Just-ish" | Will Schwalbe | "Hey, America! I got shotgun! Not the seat, the gun. This is The Colbert Report." | June 20 | 3083 |
Stephen talks about
Michael Bloomberg, mayor of New York City, leaving the
Republican Party. He then complains about a court ruling that prohibits the United States from indefinitely detaining civilians, even if they are designated "
enemy combatants." In the "Cheating Death with Dr. Colbert T. Colbert, DFA" segment, Colbert talks about nutrition,
oral hygiene and
weight loss. Stephen's solutions for each issue are, respectively, Vaxa-Smacks, Vaxa-Dream and Vaxadril. Finally, Colbert talks with Will Schwalbe about e-mail and how to use it in a better way. | |||||
277 | "Porking" | Vincent Bugliosi | "It's International Surf Day. Shaka bra! (Hawaiian expression meaning 'hang loose.') This is The Colbert Report." | June 21 | 3084 |
Stephen talks about the "Colbert Bump," in regards to
Ron Paul's recent appearance on the show and subsequent bump in the polls. He then complains about
condoms being advertised on television. Colbert re-ran a segment from last year featuring the
Minuteman Project. He then speaks with
Vincent Bugliosi about the
John F. Kennedy assassination. Finally, Colbert gives a short tribute to
Don Herbert, aka "Mr. Wizard," who died the previous week. | |||||
278 | "Fourth Branch" | Tom Hayden | "If you're sitting within three feet of your TV, careful! You're in the 'splash zone.' This is The Colbert Report." | June 25 | 3085 |
Stephen complains about
dumpster diving and to prevent it, he says to horde your trash. He comments on Vice President
Dick Cheney asserting that he is not part of the
Executive Branch. The special "tropical-themed" Threatdown: 5.
Sand! 4. Japan! 3.
Octopi! 2.
Coral reefs! 1. Dolphins! Finally, Colbert interviews
Tom Hayden about the
Iraq War. | |||||
279 | "Elsewhere" | David France | "You've heard of truth in advertising? This is truth with advertising. This is The Colbert Report." | June 26 | 3086 |
Stephen rings in the
yuletide season early. He comments on
Tony Blair possibly converting to
Roman Catholicism, as well as the possibility of the
Bush Administration closing
Guantanamo Bay. He makes a brief comment on the border fence between the United States and Mexico. Colbert names
Fred Thompson the "Alpha Dog Of The Week." Finally, Colbert interviews David France about the potential link between
genetics and homosexuality. | |||||
280 | "None" | Tom Blanton, Daniel Gilbert | "Being me is a full-time job and I've never missed a day. This is The Colbert Report." | June 27 | 3087 |
Stephen complains that
USA Today,
The New York Times and
The Wall Street Journal got an
iPhone before he did. He then speaks with Tom Blanton about recently released secret
CIA documents. In "The Four Horsemen of the A-Pop-Calypse" segment, Colbert discusses
Shaquille O'Neal's
reality show,
Sinéad O'Connor's comeback album,
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows and the
Transformers movie. Finally, Colbert interviews
Daniel Gilbert about the meaning of happiness. | |||||
281 | "Profiles In Timing" | Doug Bailey | "Just six days until my 4th of July fireworks display and just eight days until they're able to put it out. This is The Colbert Report." | June 28 | 3088 |
Stephen plays "
spot the difference" between two pictures of
10 Downing Street. Next, he talks about
Iran rationing fuel to its citizens and compares it to the
1979 energy crisis in the United States. Then, Colbert expresses his happiness that
Richard Lugar thinks that
President Bush's strategy in
Iraq isn't working. In the "Colbert Platinum" segment, Colbert discusses the increasing number of
luxury vehicles that are in
car accidents,
The Vatican's recent "10 Commandments of Driving," and the
Montblanc "Mystery Masterpiece" pen that is encrusted in
diamonds and sells for $700,000. Finally, Colbert interviews
Doug Bailey about
Unity08. |
No. | " The Wørd" | Guest(s) | Introductory phrase | Original air date | Production code |
---|---|---|---|---|---|
282 | "None" | Ben Nelson, Richard Florida | "Did you miss me? I know. I missed me too. This is The Colbert Report." | July 16 | 3089 |
Colbert discusses the
Scooter Libby
trial, mentioning that he attempted to dig a tunnel to prison to free Libby. Colbert then mentions that
Pope Benedict XVI issued a proclamation stating that Protestant churches
are not true churches. Colbert then discusses a study that found that living next to homosexuals increase property values. Colbert interviews
Richard Florida, author of Rise of the Creative Class, and leader of the study. Colbert then talks about
Feminism and women's rights, including a video featuring pole dancers and the Difference Maker of the week, Johnna Mink. Finally, Colbert interviews
Senator
Ben Nelson, discussing the
Iraq War. | |||||
283 | "Victimcrite" | Mark Moffett | "Well, well, well, we meet again. Only this time, it is I who have my own television show. This is The Colbert Report." | July 17 | 3090 |
Colbert talks about the ongoing debate in the
Senate about creating a timetable for
withdrawing from Iraq. Colbert then expresses his goal of making his show 24 hours long. Colbert then speaks about the
David Vitter Prostitution Scandal involving
Deborah Jeane Palfrey. In the Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger segment, Colbert tips his hat to
Secretary of Defense
Robert Gates, and wags his finger to
IHOP and Japan. Colbert interviews Mark Moffett about
ants and their behavior. Finally, in solidarity with the
Republicans about the all-night
Senate debate, Colbert announces he will do the show for 24 hours. He then begins a 500-count Threatdown and gets to Threat No. 499, "Past Love Regrets" | |||||
284 | " " | John Mellencamp | "(continuing from where we left off with an unkempt-looking Stephen apparently still doing ThreatDown at Threat #499, throwing an empty energy drink can down after drinking it) Okay, so we're lined up after recess, and there she is, Deborah Downing: girl I had a crush on since kindergarten. She says to me 'do you like kickball?', and I love kickball, it was my favorite thing in the world! Hell, I was holding a kickball! But do I say I like kickball? No, I look at her and say 'I don't know'. (starts to sob and tries to hold back tears) She walks away! Okay, who's up next? Preschool: Abby McPherson- ( egg timer dings) Ha-ha! Ah, there! (hits the egg timer) I broadcast my show for 24 hours straight in solidarity with Republicans during their forced overnight debate in the Senate, and it is over! Woo, I did it! Also, that means (gets out a pot from below his desk) my 24-hour egg is ready. I do hate a runny yolk. This is (starts to sob again) The Colbert Report!" | July 18 | 3091 |
Stephen picks up where he left off last night, Threat No. 499 on the Threatdown, "Past Love Regrets." Colbert again comments on the previous night's all-night debate in the
Senate, and how he "did the show" for 24 hours to show solidarity with the
Republicans. He then thanks the
Bush Administration and the media for re-frightening him about
Al-Qaeda. Colbert then complains about
Vatican City being the first sovereign state in the world to go
carbon neutral. Next, he names
David Beckham the "Alpha Dog Of The Week." Finally, Colbert interviews
John Mellencamp, who also performs his song "Our Country." | |||||
285 | "None" | Michael Moore, Frank Sulloway | "Bless you! I assumed somebody sneezed... This is The Colbert Report." | July 19 | 3092 |
Stephen reports on
John McCain's recent
presidential campaign woes. He briefly comments on former
Virginia governor
Jim Gilmore's withdrawal of his candidacy for President of the United States. He then talks about the recent spat between
Michael Moore and
CNN's
Dr. Sanjay Gupta about alleged inaccuracies in Moore's film
Sicko. Colbert then interviews Moore. Next, he introduces a new segment, "The March To Enslavement," in which he worries about $100
laptops and
Apple's new
iPhone. The crawls at the bottom of the segment are attempts to spell "$100 LAPTOPS" and "APPLE" respectively in binary, though the first crawl isn't complete. Finally, Colbert interviews
Frank Sulloway about the possible link between
birth order,
I.Q., and
radicalism | |||||
286 | "Premium Package" | Simon Schama | (Intently reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows through the usual opening introduction. Cuts away and pans over the entire audience reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.) "Wha — ? Oh, this is The Colbert Report..." | July 23 | 3093 |
Stephen discusses
Senator
Ben Nelson's July 16 appearance on the show. Nelson apparently
dyed his hair for the interview, but Colbert claimed that his interview area is a
Fountain of Youth. Next, Colbert gets enraged about
welfare queens. Then, Colbert makes a brief comment about the
Dow Jones Industrial Average hitting 14,000 for the first time in history. In the "Colbert Platinum" segment, Colbert discusses luxury
submarines,
polo ponies being stricken with
herpes, and Indian billionaire
Mukesh Ambani building the world's first billion dollar private home. Finally, Colbert interviews
Simon Schama about the benefits of art. | |||||
287 | "Modest Porpoisal" | Anthony Romero | "Congratulations, Drew Carey. CBS, remember to spay and neuter your host. This is The Colbert Report." | July 24 | 3094 |
Stephen briefly talks about
President Bush temporarily transferring presidential powers to
Vice President Cheney while he underwent a
colonoscopy, as well as the
minimum wage increase that went into effect today. Next, he talks about
endangered species going
extinct. In the "Movies That Are Destroying America" segment, he rails against
10,000 B.C.,
Bratz,
I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry and
Hairspray. Colbert interviews
Anthony Romero about the
ACLU. Finally, Colbert pleads to become a member of the
Illuminati. | |||||
288 | "No Regrets" | Charles Kaiser | "If I've said it once, I've said it 287 times. This is The Colbert Report." | July 25 | 3095 |
Stephen discusses a recent study that said
Fox News spent less time covering the
Iraq War than either
CNN or
MSNBC, but
Bill O'Reilly spent quite a bit of time covering reader's comments on the
Daily Kos website, while
Sean Hannity covered the 1993 death of
Vince Foster. He then talks about a new tattoo ink that is easy to remove. Next, he briefly talks about
Fred Thompson's recent shake-up of his
presidential campaign staff. In the "Hometown Hero Town" segment, Colbert honors Bryce Canyon City,
Utah. Finally, Colbert interviews Charles Kaiser about the contributions to society by homosexuals. Colbert then "blows the audiences minds" by not doing a traditional "Good Night" segment. | |||||
289 | "None" | Aaron Houston, Bob Shrum | "Hey, semicolon! Comma or colon? Pick a side, we're at war. This is The Colbert Report." | July 26 | 3096 |
Stephen apparently broke his left wrist last night and tries to figure out how it happened. He realizes it was when he tripped and fell during yesterday's pre-show warm-up. He then talks about residents of
North Dakota's attempt to legalize
hemp and speaks with Aaron Houston about his efforts to get
marijuana legalized. Next, he complains about one of
Nepal's
Kumaris being stripped of her goddess status because she visited the United States. This segues into the "Advice To The Gods" segment. Finally, Colbert interviews
Bob Shrum about his role as adviser to various
Democratic Party presidential candidates. | |||||
290 | "Solidarity" | Evan Osnos | "If you can't stand the heat, air condition your kitchen. This is The Colbert Report." | July 30 | 3097 |
Stephen again talks about his broken wrist and displays the flowers that were sent to him. He then discusses a recent article in
The Wall Street Journal that says dust plumes from China are causing air pollution in the United States. He then complains that
labor unions are destroying America. The Threatdown: 5. Weak American Bellies! 4. The Bankrupt! 3. Party Poopers! 2. Scottish Surgeons! 1.
Badgers! Finally, Colbert interviews Evan Osnos about the effect of China's
cashmere farms on the
environment. | |||||
291 | "Special Prosecutor" | Kathleen Kennedy Townsend | "Mi casa es su casa. "Casa" means "anger," right? This is The Colbert Report." | July 31 | 3098 |
Colbert continues to attack
Hollywood films that show "wrist violence" and calls on Hollywood to stop showing such acts. He introduces a new segment, "Arc! Who Goes There?," also known as, "Smokin' Pole – The Fight for Arctic Riches", where he talks about
Russia's recent claim that the
North Pole and its natural resources belong to them. Colbert calls for America to fight back, fearing that if the Russians control the North Pole, they will control Christmas. He briefly congratulates
Rupert Murdoch's takeover of
The Wall Street Journal, although he wonders if he has instead taken over
Reuters, who were first to report the story. Colbert then interviews
Kathleen Kennedy Townsend about religion and politics. |
No. | " The Wørd" | Guest(s) | Introductory phrase | Original air date | Production code |
---|---|---|---|---|---|
292 | "College Credit" | Michael Beschloss | "Hot enough for you? Yes I am. This is The Colbert Report." | August 1 | 3099 |
Stephen continues to talk about wrist violence, and creates a new segment of the show, "Wrist Watch." Colbert is visited by Dr. Jerald Vizzone, his
orthopedic surgeon, and tells Colbert he will be fine. On "The Wørd," Colbert announces his idea for arranging all fields of knowledge into a three-tier pricing system – "Marketable" (Business, Engineering, Science), "Non-marketable" (History) and "You know this is killing your parents" (Classics, Comparative literature, Linguistics). He argues that universities should apply monetary values to facts. In the "When Animals Attack Our Morals" segment, he attacks pigeons that been given a
birth control pill, a cat, named
Oscar, that curls up to a patient who then seems to die after around 4 hours, and a
seagull that stole
Doritos. Colbert then interviews
Michael Beschloss about the presidential courage. | |||||
293 | "None" | John R. MacArthur, Michael Behe | "Selected members of our studio audience tonight will be receiving chairs. This is The Colbert Report." | August 2 | 3100 |
Stephen is appalled by the
Bush administration's alleged plan to build a
NAFTA
superhighway across the United States. He's then joined by
John R. MacArthur to discuss the rumor. Next, he talks about the
Defense Department sending troops in
Fallujah an aid package containing
ThighMasters. In the "Mini Sport Report," Colbert briefly discusses
Alex Rodriguez's pursuit of 500
home runs and
Barry Bonds' quest to break
Hank Aaron's all-time home run record. Colbert then interviews
Michael Behe about
intelligent design. Finally, Colbert pays tribute to
Ingmar Bergman, who died on July 30. | |||||
294 | "The Dark Side" | Ian Bogost | "Here's America's fortune: (opening a fortune cookie). This is The Colbert Report... in bed." | August 7 | 3101 |
Stephen compares the
YearlyKos Convention to the
Nazis, calling them
fascists. In "The Wørd," he talks about how we need to break the law to fight terrorism. In "Better Know A
Protectorate", he talks to Representative
Eni Fa'aua'a Hunkin Faleomavaega, Jr., and tries to make him argue for
nuclear testing in
American Samoa. He then interviews Ian Bogost about how computers act as an expressive medium. He ends with a new segment, "Colbert Commonsensicals," which features an inspirational message. It is, "Always use a mirror when you're shaving, or you might miss a spot." | |||||
295 | "None" | Jim Cramer, Tina Brown | "This show is gonna knock your socks off and I am not responsible for their replacement value. This is The Colbert Report." | August 8 | 3102 |
Stephen again comments on his broken left wrist and the agony it's causing him. In the "Wrist Watch" segment, he talks about
Lance Armstrong's
Livestrong wristband and introduces his own product, the Wriststrong
bracelet. He then discusses the fluctuating
stock market and interviews
Jim Cramer. In the "Bears & Balls" segment, Colbert talks about the
2008 Summer Olympics,
bootlegged
Harry Potter books, and
Barry Bonds breaking the
Major League Baseball all-time
home run record. Finally, Colbert interviews
Tina Brown about her book on
Princess Diana, The Diana Chronicles. | |||||
296 | "Clarity (Second Use)" | Judd Apatow | " That tingling sensation means the truth is working. This is The Colbert Report." | August 9 | 3103 |
Stephen starts off by mentioning his Wriststrong
bracelet. He gave
Katie Couric one and she promised to wear it on her July 7
newscast, but much to Steven's chagrin, she didn't. He then talks about
Rudy Giuliani's statement that in four
Democratic presidential debates, no Democrat used the term "
Islamic terrorism." In the "Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger" segment, Colbert wags his finger at
Michael Bloomberg, tips his hat to
The New York Times and
Esquire, and wags his finger at
Hurricane Katrina
refugees. Finally, Colbert interviews
Judd Apatow about his
films, including the upcoming
Superbad. | |||||
297 | "White Guy" | Michael F. Jacobson | (we see Stephen unable to find camera and pills due to prescription painkiller withdrawal) Tonight- Which is my camera? Where are- where's my ca- which is- where are my pills? Which is my camera, and where are my pills?! Do we have to do this right now?! This is The Colbert Report." | August 13 | 3104 |
Stephen begins by saying that he has run out of the drugs he has been using to help with his wrist, and is therefore suffering from
hallucinations. He then talks about
Karl Rove's resignation, claiming this was an hallucination. In "The Wørd," Colbert believes that
John Edwards should declare himself a black woman to increase his chances of winning the election. He then presents an all-animal "Threatdown": 5. Bats! 4. Monkeys! 3.
Karl Rove! 2.
Marmosets! 1. Bears! Finally, Colbert interviews
Michael Jacobson about nutrition. | |||||
298 | "None" | Jerry Miller, Spencer Wells | None | August 14 | 3105 |
Stephen talks about his favorite product, Stephen Colbert's Formula 401, and his sadness that a tanker filled with it jackknifed on the highway. He then presents a special repor-t, "
DNA – Could It Happen To You?" He begins with an educational film on DNA. Colbert then attacks the
Innocence Project, claiming it puts the whole criminal justice system into doubt, and interviews Jerry Miller. Finally, Colbert interviews
Spencer Wells about the
Genographic Project and they trace Stephen's DNA. | |||||
299 | "Potential" | Markos Moulitsas, Michael Wallis | "If anyone asks where I was between 11:30 and 12, I was right here. This is The Colbert Report." | August 15 | 3106 |
From the previous episode, Colbert again mentions the possibility that his ancestors were Jewish. He then discusses perceived inflammatory speech on the
Daily Kos website and interviews the website's founder,
Markos Moulitsas. In the "Monkey on the Lam" segment, Colbert talks about a
capuchin monkey that picked the lock on his cage door at a zoo in
Tupelo, Mississippi, for the second time in two weeks. He then discusses
Attorney General
Alberto Gonzales' failure to meet his potential. Finally, Colbert interviews
Michael Wallis about the
Lincoln Highway. | |||||
300 | "None" | Mike Huckabee, Andrew Keen | "Happy 300th show, me! Keep up the good work, me! This is The Colbert Report." | August 16 | 3107 |
Stephen begins by asking people not to watch his interview with
Richard Branson on August 22, which has been reported in the media as a "trainwreck." Colbert then interviews
Mike Huckabee, claiming that he came second in the
Iowa Straw Poll due to his appearances on The Colbert Report, and what Colbert claims is the "Colbert Bump." In the "Cheating Death with Dr. Colbert T. Colbert, DFA" segment, he talks about
genetics, continuing from Tuesday's
DNA special repor-t. Finally, Colbert interviews
Andrew Keen on the Internet's effect on culture. | |||||
301 | "Made in Iraq" | Nathan Sawaya | "I'm offering back-to-school savings. Save yourself the pain and don't go back to school. This is The Colbert Report." | August 20 | 3108 |
Stephen continues to attack wrist violence, and says the worst offender in "wrist snuff" is
Steven Seagal. He also announces that his "Wriststrong"
bracelets are now available from colbertnation.com, and all proceeds go to help the
Yellow Ribbon Fund. Colbert introduces a new segment, "Nailed 'Em," focusing on successful stories in the criminal justice system. In "The Wørd," he suggests that most American products should be made in Iraq. He interviews
Nathan Sawaya about his art, which he makes out of
Lego. | |||||
302 | "Self-Determination" | Michael Shermer | " Is it still raining? I hadn't noticed. This is The Colbert Report." | August 21 | 3109 |
Stephen starts with the "Smokin' Pole: The Fight for Arctic Riches" segment, where he attacks Canada's claim to the
Northwest Passage through the
Arctic, claiming it belongs to the United States. In "The Wørd," Colbert attacks
WikiScanner claiming it prevents corporations from editing their own entries, and describes Wikipedia as, "
Second Life for corporations". In the "Formidable Opponent" segment, Colbert debates himself on different ways people could conduct terrorist attacks. Finally, he interviews
Michael Shermer about
skepticism. | |||||
303 | "November Surprise" | Richard Branson | "'Your phone is ringing. Your phone is ringing.' Free ringtone. This is The Colbert Report." | August 22 | 3110 |
Stephen begins the show wearing an airliner pilot's uniform. He talks about the "Colbert-Branson Interview Trainwreck" and that an
airliner owned by
Virgin America has been named the "Air Colbert." In "The Wørd," Colbert talks about
Fred Thompson not formally declaring himself as a candidate for the election. He then discusses
Brian Williams failing to give his Wriststrong
bracelet to someone more famous, i.e.
Matt Lauer, and creates a new segment, "Where In The World Is Matt Lauer's Wriststrong Bracelet?" In the "Colbert Platinum" segment, he talks about the shutting down of a
helipad in
Saint-Tropez and the growing demand for champagne. Finally, he interviews
Richard Branson about
Virgin America and "Air Colbert." At the end of the interview, Branson throws water on Stephen, who then retaliates. | |||||
304 | "None" | Thomas E. Ricks | "And after tonight, I'm off for two weeks. (Whispers) But don't tell my staff. (Normally) This is The Colbert Report." | August 23 | 3111 |
Stephen reviews the
Iraq War and
Dick Cheney's role in advocating it. He then interviews
Thomas E. Ricks about the war. Colbert then talks about his broken wrist and shows a documentary film entitled Fractured Freedom: The Colbert Colbert Story. He announces that several people had signed his cast, including
Nancy Pelosi,
Tim Russert,
Tony Snow,
Brian Williams,
Bill O'Reilly and
Michael Bloomberg. He then announces he will auction off his cast on
eBay for the
Yellow Ribbon Fund. Finally, Stephen's doctor, Dr. Jerald Vizzone, removes the cast. |
No. | " The Wørd" | Guest(s) | Introductory phrase | Original air date | Production code |
---|---|---|---|---|---|
305 | "Honor-Bound" | Bjørn Lomborg | "It's okay to wear white after Labor Day as long as it's between red and blue. This is The Colbert Report." | September 10 | 3112 |
Stephen gives a summary of events that has occurred during his break. He has been in
rehab, and after a court order, he announced he is over his painkiller addiction, although he was beaten up by
Amy Winehouse. In "The Wørd," he claims the best way to discuss the issue of leaving
Iraq is to use the word "honor." Colbert then announces his cast sold for $17,200 and shows a montage of celebrities signing it. Finally, Colbert interviews
Bjørn Lomborg on
climate change. The word that appears next to Colbert in the opening credits changes from "GOOD" to "GUTLY." | |||||
306 | "Southsourcing" | Katie Bruggeman, Garrison Keillor | (While gesturing) "This is the church, this is the steeple. Open the doors, get in there, you Atheists! This is The Colbert Report." | September 11 | 3113 |
Stephen talks about
Fred Thompson, and announces the start of his coverage of
Indecision 2008: Don't F%#k This Up America and tells the people how not to "F%#k up" the election. In "The Wørd," he talks about his support of American businesses moving to Mexico for cheap labor, and selling the products back in America. Colbert then interviews his executive assistant
Katie Bruggeman, who claims to be the preschool girlfriend of Sgt. Dave Karsnia, who arrested
Larry Craig. He then interviews
Garrison Keillor about his book
Pontoon. | |||||
307 | "Re-run" | Joel Klein | "Have you ever looked at a cloud and thought it looked like something else? Then stop smoking dope. This is The Colbert Report." | September 12 | 3114 |
The "Atone Phone" for Jews who have wronged Colbert is reintroduced. In "The Wørd," Colbert says it is a good idea for
MSNBC to play footage of their
9/11 coverage, and they should present re-runs of all their old news programs, so that when
President Bush leaves office, people will remember him as a hero. A new
Tek Jansen episode is broadcast. Colbert interviews
Joel Klein about paying students who get good grades. After the interview, Klein phones Stephen, saying he cheated on his interview. | |||||
308 | "None" | Father James Martin, Ed Begley, Jr., Viggo Mortensen | "The opinions expressed in this broadcast do not reflect those of Comedy Central, MTV Networks, or the Viacom Corporation...because they're all cowards. This is The Colbert Report." | September 13 | 3115 |
Stephen first talks about
Mother Teresa questioning the existence of God, thus claiming the Mother Teresa was not a good person. He then interviews Jesuit priest Father
James Martin on the subject. Colbert then talks about Wriststrong. He claims he has sold 19,000 bracelets. He also announces he passed a bracelet to
Bill O'Reilly. This brings back the segment Where in the World is Matt Lauer's Wriststrong Bracelet?, where
Matt Lauer is now wearing his bracelet. As Lauer was in
Iran at the time of the broadcast, Colbert suggests Lauer should give his bracelet to
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. He then interviews
Ed Begley, Jr. about the environment. Colbert mentions people wanting him to run for President, and says he would do so if there were a sign.
Viggo Mortensen appears suddenly to give a sword to his 'lord' Stephen, who comments that it would be a great letter opener. | |||||
309 | "Let My People Go" | Barry Manilow, Susan Sarandon | "I have had it up to here (points to chin)...also down to there (points to forehead), but in between...I'm good. This is The Colbert Report." | September 18 | 3116 |
Stephen begins by discussing the "Atone Phone" and his loss to
Tony Bennett at the
Emmy Awards.
Barry Manilow appears as Stephen's conscience to help him get over the loss. Colbert then discusses California possibly eliminating the "winner take all" aspect of the
Electoral College. In the "Difference Makers" segment, Ed Werbany, Jr. of Hilltop,
New Jersey is profiled for putting a patriotic
statue in front of his business. Finally, Colbert interviews
Susan Sarandon about her new film,
In the Valley of Elah, as well as her political beliefs. | |||||
310 | "Solitarity" | Naomi Wolf | "Sorry, egg fans, it's the chicken. End of argument. This is The Colbert Report." | September 19 | 3117 |
Stephen again begins by discussing the "Atone Phone" and complains that
Ed Asner has yet to call and apologize for disrespecting his Wriststrong
bracelet. Asner then calls and chastises Stephen. Next, Colbert talks about the recent incident in which a
University of Florida student was
tasered by
campus police at a
John Kerry speech. In the "
eco-conscious" edition of "Colbert Platinum," he discusses
yachts that are equipped to collect
environmental data for study, Clayoquot Wilderness Resort in
British Columbia, and
Louis Vuitton's "Tribute Patchwork" bag. Finally, Colbert interviews
Naomi Wolf about her belief that the United States is heading toward
fascism. | |||||
311 | "Market Forces" | Jeffrey Toobin | "Hey, Reading Rainbow! Stop promoting the homo-literate agenda. This is The Colbert Report." | September 20 | 3118 |
Once again, Colbert opens by discussing the "Atone Phone" and plays a message left by a rabbi in
Connecticut. He then briefly references the
University of Florida student being
tasered. Next, he talks about
Blackwater USA's license to operate in
Iraq being revoked. In the "Threatdown:" 5.
Salad! 4.
Slavic
Intercourse! 3.
El Chupacabra! 2. The Bingham Company! 1. Us! Colbert then interviews
Jeffrey Toobin about the
U.S. Supreme Court. Finally, in "The Craziest F#?king Thing I've Ever Heard" segment, Colbert mentions a restaurant in Tokyo, Japan that features
mayonnaise on everything. | |||||
312 | "Na Na-Na Na Na Na" | Thomas Friedman | "One small step for me, one giant leap for mekind. This is The Colbert Report." | September 24 | 3119 |
Stephen begins by talking about
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's visit to the United States. Next, he claims that the most important thing America can do is improve the morale of its troops, or rather one troop,
General Petraeus. In the "Alpha Dog of the Week" segment, Colbert talks about a man who was found not guilty of
indecent exposure while building bookshelves in the nude. He then talks about his dislike of the
metric system. He then interviews
Thomas Friedman about
foreign affairs and
insourcing. Finally, Colbert announces that over 40,000 Jews called the "Atone Phone" and plays some of the messages. | |||||
313 | "None" | K. David Harrison, John Grisham | "It's the thought that counts and so far...I'm up to zero. This is The Colbert Report." | September 25 | 3120 |
Stephen begrudgingly praises
The New York Times for giving
MoveOn.org a discount for their full-page "
General Betray Us" advertisement. He then discusses a study that claims half of the world's
languages are in danger of going extinct and interviews David Harrison on the subject. Next,
Indecision 2008: Don't F%#k This Up America focuses on
Rudy Giuliani's recent trip to England. In the "Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger" segment, Colbert tips his hat to
Muslim hipsters,
Palm Beach County, Florida, and the
Food and Drug Administration. Finally, Colbert interviews
John Grisham about his new book. | |||||
314 | "A Word From Our Sponsors" | Sam Waterston, Tony Bennett | "I'm living high on the hog, and let me tell you, hogs make a terrible foundation. This is The Colbert Report." | September 26 | 3121 |
Stephen begins by commenting on his
Emmy Award loss to
Tony Bennett and their mutual love of
Target. He then discusses the
Canadian dollar being worth more than the United States dollar. Colbert then comments on
iTunes not including
commercials in the various television shows they sell. Next, Colbert interviews
Sam Waterston about
Unity08. Finally, he interviews
Tony Bennett, who then performs "
They All Laughed" with Stephen. | |||||
315 | "Early Immunization" | David Schwartz | "The answer to tonight's sudoku is 123456789, not necessarily in that order. This is The Colbert Report." | September 27 | 3122 |
Stephen first talks about
Tutankhamun and the debate about whether he is black or white. He then talks about the
Democratic Party's recent debate on
MSNBC. In "The Wørd," he discusses the best way to improve the health care of children. In the "Wrist Watch" segment, Colbert announces Wriststrong bracelets are now being worn by
Neil Cavuto,
Larry King,
Adrian Grenier,
Seth Rogen and
Bill Clinton. Next, Colbert interviews
David Schwartz about campaign advertisements. Finally, Colbert finishes the show with a presidential advertisement from 1984 for
Ronald Reagan. |
No. | " The Wørd" | Guest(s) | Introductory phrase | Original air date | Production code |
---|---|---|---|---|---|
316 | "Evitable" | Charlie Savage | " New York Mets, congratulations on your record-setting season. This is The Colbert Report." | October 1 | 3123 |
Stephen expresses his concern about
Dennis Kucinich and the things he carries in his
pockets. He then discusses a recent
Senate amendment calling for
President Bush to call
Iran's
Revolutionary Guard a
terrorist organization. In the "Cheating Death with Dr. Colbert T. Colbert, DFA" segment, Colbert discusses
sleep science,
weight control and
men's health. Finally, Colbert interviews
Charlie Savage about presidential powers. | |||||
317 | "Troops Out Now" | John Mearsheimer | "Hey, penny loafers! Get to work and earn that money. This is The Colbert Report." | October 2 | 3124 |
Stephen briefly comments on a recent
USA Today article about the possible end of the
universe. He then discusses the feud between
Kanye West and
50 Cent, and compares it to his
upcoming book being released on the same day as
Paul Krugman's. Next, he talks about an article in
New Scientist that claims
parallel universes might exist, and "The Wørd" takes place in such a parallel universe featuring an opposite version of Stephen. Colbert introduces a new segment, "Nailed 'Em," that looks at
cybercrime; this segment features
Wi-Fi Piggybacking. Finally, Colbert interviews
John Mearsheimer about Israel's effect on U.S.
foreign policy. | |||||
318 | "None" | Dan Savage, Jim Lovell | "I may disagree with what you say, but I will fight to the death for my right to fight you to the death. This is The Colbert Report." | October 3 | 3125 |
Stephen corrects last night's statement that
Paul Krugman's book is being released on the same day as
his. He then complains about the
Senate passing a bill to extend
hate-crimes laws to homosexuals. He introduces a new segment, "The Gay Roundup," and interviews
Dan Savage. Next, Colbert names
President Bush his "Alpha Dog of the Week." In the "Monkey on the Lam" segment, he discusses a monkey in
Columbia, Missouri that bit two children in a local park and is now missing. Finally, Colbert interviews
Jim Lovell about the film,
In the Shadow of the Moon, as well as his experiences as an
astronaut. | |||||
319 | "Catastrophe" | John Kao | "I already picked out my Halloween costume. I'm going as a guy who's always right. This is The Colbert Report." | October 4 | 3126 |
Stephen briefly talks about wanting to see
Bigfoot dead. He then talks about
Fred Thompson and how to get a round of applause without asking for one. In "The Wørd," Colbert worries that the diplomatic peace negotiations in
North Korea may make people think that diplomacy works. In the "science and technology" edition of the "Threatdown:" 5.
Remote Control Toys! 4.
Hybrid cars! 3.
Sloppy Scientists! 2.
White chocolate! 1.
Robots! Colbert then interviews John Kao on how America is becoming less innovative. Finally, Colbert shows an advertisement for
I Am America (And So Can You!). | |||||
320 | "Medium Matters" | George Saunders | "It's Columbus Day, but I won't rest until all the state capitals are recognized. This is The Colbert Report." | October 8 | 3127 |
Stephen claims that
Columbus Day is the most Un-American holiday in existence, criticizing
Christopher Columbus for taking away jobs from American discoverers. He then advertises
I Am America (And So Can You!), and attacks
Pope Benedict XVI for releasing his biography, written for children, on the same day. In "The Wørd," he claims that it is right to attack print media, but wrong to attack radio. In "Stephen Colbert's Balls for Kidz," he talks about the
State Children's Health Insurance Program (SCHIP). Finally, Colbert interviews
George Saunders about political
commentators. | |||||
321 | "Mighty Duck" | Stephen Colbert | "The following anger has been formatted to fit your television screen. This is The Colbert Report." | October 9 | 3128 |
Stephen celebrates the release of
I Am America (And So Can You!). Next, he complains that
Ronald Reagan isn't on any
U.S. coin, and discusses upcoming changes to the
penny. He then talks about the
Justice Department allowing harsher treatment of alleged
terrorists. Next, he discusses
Barack Obama not wearing a
U.S. flag pin on his
lapel. Finally, Colbert interviews
Stephen Colbert about his
new book. | |||||
322 | "Americon Dream" | Wesley Clark | " Kraft Foods, I'd make a great pasta shape. This is The Colbert Report." | October 10 | 3129 |
Stephen again talks about the items in
Dennis Kucinich's pockets and demands he come on the show and empties them. He then puts Kucinich on notice and announces that Kucinich accepted his challenge and will appear on October 15. Next, Colbert comments on
prison overcrowding. In the "Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger" segment, Colbert wags his finger at
Bruce Springsteen,
Molson Coors and
SABMiller, and tips his hat to French youths. Finally, Colbert interviews
Wesley Clark about the
Iraq War and his new book. | |||||
323 | "None" | Frank Gaffney, Chris Jordan | "This'll get the fight song right out of your head. (Sings) By Mennen. This is The Colbert Report." | October 11 | 3130 |
Stephen talks about
Fox & Friends' "guy who's not
Steve Doocy,"
Brian Kilmeade. He then discusses Tuesday's
Republican presidential candidate debate, and whether the President needs
Congressional approval to attack
Iran. He interviews
Frank Gaffney about companies that do business with
Iran. In the "Colbert Platinum: Kidz Edition" segment, Colbert discusses children buying art, Posh Tots and Pint Size Paparazzi. Finally, Colbert interviews Chris Jordan about his photography. | |||||
324 | "Enviro-medal Disaster" | Dennis Kucinich, Paul Glastris | "An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough. This is The Colbert Report." | October 15 | 3131 |
In the "Who's Honoring Me Now" segment, Colbert praises
Marie Claire for listing
I Am America (And So Can You!) as one of their "7 Things To Get Excited About." In the "Who's NOT Honoring Me Now" segment, Colbert complains about being snubbed for a Nobel Prize and that
Al Gore keeps winning awards instead of him. In "By The Pocket's Red Scare – Is that a
socialist
welfare state in your pocket or are you just trying to destroy America?,"
Dennis Kucinich appears and empties his pockets, per Stephen's challenge last week. Finally, Colbert interviews
Paul Glastris about
college rankings. | |||||
325 | "None" | Jeff Greenfield, Bob Drogin | "The following program was supposed to contain scenes of brief nudity. Thanks a lot, network. This is The Colbert Report." | October 16 | 3132 |
Stephen briefly talks about an advertisement in
USA Today for
CNN's documentary,
Planet in Peril. In
Indecision 2008: Don't F%#k This Up, America, he discusses
Republican presidential candidate
Fred Thompson's lack of appearances in
New Hampshire, and his own appearance on
The Daily Show earlier in the day. Colbert then announces his candidacy for President of the United States and interviews
Jeff Greenfield about what his candidacy means. Next, he discusses
Democratic presidential candidate
Hillary Clinton's mention of him in one of her campaign speeches. Finally, Colbert interviews Bob Drogin about his book,
Curveball. | |||||
326 | "None" | Garry Kasparov | "You might want to add water because this show is concentrated truth. This is The Colbert Report." | October 17 | 3133 |
Stephen discusses his presidential campaign and the media's reaction to the announcement. He then fills out the necessary paperwork to run in the
South Carolina
Republican and
Democratic
presidential primaries. The two-year anniversary edition of the "Threatdown:" 5. Canada! 4. Food! 3. Toys! 2.
Robots! 1. Bears! Finally, Colbert interviews
Garry Kasparov about his book, How Life Imitates Chess. | |||||
327 | "None" | Anderson Cooper, Craig Newmark | " Error 404. Introduction to show not found. This is The Colbert Report." | October 18 | 3134 |
Stephen introduces a new segment, "War on Halloween," and talks about how nature is fighting
Halloween due to a failure in pumpkin crops. He then interviews
Anderson Cooper about it,
climate change in general, and
CNN's
Planet in Peril. Colbert then announces that his campaign will now be known as "The Hail to the Cheese Stephent Colbert Nacho Cheese
Doritos 2008 Presidential Campaign." He also announces he has a new website for his campaign, Colbert08.org. After finding out he can't use a
corporate sponsorship to fund his campaign, he uses it fund the show, with the segment being retitled "The Hail to the Cheese Stephent Colbert Nacho Cheese
Doritos 2008 Presidential Campaign Coverage." He then interviews
Craig Newmark about
Craigslist. Finally, Colbert unveils his latest portrait. | |||||
328 | "Absinthetinence" | Richard Berman | (Playing Peekaboo) "Hey babies, where did I go?" (Uncovers face) "This is The Colbert Report." | October 29 | 3135 |
Stephen talks about his presidential campaign and
John McCain's recent comments about
Osama bin Laden. Next, he discusses a
USA Today Infographic, claiming it will be the last one they publish because it was about U.S. streets being named after candy. He then discourages young people from drinking
absinthe. In the "Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger" segment, Colbert tips his hat to
The New York Times and wags his finger at "
gay wizards" and
neuroscientists. He then talks to
Richard Berman about consumer freedom. Finally, Colbert congratulates the
Boston Red Sox for beating the
Colorado Rockies in the
World Series, thereby punishing them for trying to trademark the word "Rocktober." The word that appears next to Colbert in the opening credits changes from "GUTLY" to "WARRIOR-POET." | |||||
329 | "None" | Massie Ritsch, Craig Venter | "The following anger is based on a true story. This is The Colbert Report." | October 30 | 3136 |
Stephen briefly talks about
Barack Obama turning down
Brad Pitt's offer to help his presidential campaign. This segues into "The Hail to the Cheese Stephent Colbert Nacho Cheese
Doritos 2008 Presidential Campaign Coverage" and how his campaign may have violated
federal election law. He then interviews Massie Ritsch about campaign finance. In the "Earth Attacks: Defeating The Enviro-menace" segment, Colbert discusses the
California wildfires, the
Georgia droughts, the
Great Pacific garbage patch, and
green burials. Finally, Colbert interviews
Craig Venter about decoding his own
genome. | |||||
330 | "Job Description" | Lawrence Wilkerson | (Mimicking The Crypt Keeper) "This show is filmed in front of a dead studio audience. This is The Col-scare Report." | October 31 | 3137 |
Stephen complains about
Halloween and talks about the items he's giving
trick-or-treaters. In the "Democra-SEE Democra-DO" segment, he discusses recent elections in
Argentina and Poland. Colbert then confirms that he officially entered the
Democratic Primary for President of the United States in
South Carolina. Next, he mentions
Barack Obama challenging him to a "
grit-off." In the "Monkey on the Lam: Lobster Edition" segment, Colbert talks about a group of
lobsters that escaped from a supermarket in Germany. Finally, Colbert interviews
Lawrence Wilkerson about the
War in Iraq. |
No. | " The Wørd" | Guest(s) | Introductory phrase | Original air date | Production code |
---|---|---|---|---|---|
331 | "None" | Walter Kirn | "I'm more American than apple pie. I'm like apple pie with a hot dog in it...sexy. This is The Colbert Report." | November 1 | 3138 |
Stephen briefly discusses
WWE
action figures. In "The Hail to the Cheese Stephent Colbert Nacho Cheese
Doritos 2008 Presidential Campaign Coverage," he talks about his
campaign and shows footage of a campaign stop in
South Carolina. He discusses his attempts to woo the
South Carolina Democratic Party to get on the ballot, but is informed that he will not be able to appear on the ballot as a
Democrat. Finally, Colbert interviews
Walter Kirn about
multitasking. |
There were no further episodes produced in November due to the 2007–08 Writers Guild of America strike.
There were no episodes produced in December due to the 2007–08 Writers Guild of America strike.
List of The Colbert Report episodes | |
---|---|
No. of episodes | 138 |
Release | |
Original network | Comedy Central |
Season chronology | |
This is a list of episodes for The Colbert Report in 2007.
No. | " The Wørd" | Guest(s) | Introductory phrase | Original air date | Production code |
---|---|---|---|---|---|
194 | "Facts" | Ethan Nadelmann | " On the 15th day of Christmas, your true love gave you me. This is The Colbert Report!" | January 8 | 3001 |
Stephen opens the show disappointed that
Saddam Hussein was suddenly
hanged over the show's break. He responds to
Lake Superior State University's ban of the word '
truthiness' in "Who's Attacking Me Now?", and gay.com's naming of Colbert as Person of the Year in "Who's Honoring Me Now?"; gives "Stephen's Sound Advice" for getting over the winter blues. | |||||
195 | " Texas Hold 'Em" | Jim Cramer | "I'm the frosting on America's cake! Tonight, I'll let you lick the bowl. This is The Colbert Report!" | January 9 | 3002 |
Freem replaces superstantial in the opening sequence. Colbert thanks former
Archbishop of Warsaw
Stanisław Wielgus for being caught in a Catholic church scandal of a non-sexual nature; scorns Democrats for taking a day off Congress for the
college football National Championship game, with quick suggestion of taking a day off for an
Ontario Junior League Hockey game; begins new segment "We the MEdiator" to pick sides in celebrity feuds, featuring
Rosie O'Donnell vs.
Donald Trump,
Angelina Jolie vs.
Madonna, and
Amitabh Bachchan vs.
Shahrukh Khan; and ends the show in tribute to
James Brown by declaring himself the new "hardest working man in show business". | |||||
196 | "Worry" | David Kamp | "Who's buried in Grant's Tomb? Give up? I hope the police do too. This is The Colbert Report!" | January 10 | 3003 |
Stephen criticizes Bush for not sending 300 million troops as Colbert advised the day before but he pardons him if this is "the only mistake he makes in this war". He then talks about illegal immigration in a new segment called "Invasion of the Country Snatchers" and about the new Democratic senator of
Missouri and its liberal legislation in the Wørd-Segment. After the break there is a new episode of Stephen's Tek Jansen adventures. | |||||
197 | "None" | Ken Roth, Judy Woodruff | "Tonight's show is an anagram. Can you unscramble it in time? This is The Colbert Report!" | January 11 | 3004 |
Stephen starts with another episode of his challenge "What Number is Stephen thinking of?" with a clip from 2005. He then celebrates 5 years of
Guantanamo Bay and talks to the executive director of
Human Rights Watch,
Ken Roth. After that he does a "Tip of the Hat/Wag of the finger", double-wagging
Apple (claiming this is his first double-wag) for 1) changing their name to "Apple, Inc." and 2) bringing out the
iPhone. He urges Apple to stop bundling new apps into gizmos, before they start coming after
John Connor. He then talks to Judy Woodruff about the "Generation Next", blaming
Jon Stewart when he hears that most young people are liberal-minded. | |||||
198 | "Victory!" | Alex Kuczynski | "Don't watch tonight's show if you're in jail, because the truth will set you free. This is The Colbert Report." | January 15 | 3005 |
Wishing viewers a happy
Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, Colbert calls for a nationwide lie-in to refuse engaging in "anything at all", in the style of passive protest such as
Rosa Parks, then attacks Senator
Barbara Boxer for comments suggesting
Condoleezza Rice has no personal ties to the Iraq War. Colbert praises the army for lowering recruitment expectations to be filled; channels last week's guest
Jim Cramer for a new financial segment "Stephen's Bears and Balls" focusing on real estate, oil,
Cingular's name change,
soy milk, and
beef jerky. | |||||
199 | "Symbolic" | Dinesh D'Souza | "Before we begin, I need to do my vocal warm-ups. Me, me, me, me, me, me! This is The Colbert Report." | January 16 | 3006 |
In anticipation of
Bill O'Reilly arriving in-studio on Thursday, Colbert lashes out at Jimmy the director for a squeaky chair. In a new segment "Invasion of the Country Snatchers", Colbert profiles immigration issues, from an Italian-descended anti-immigrant possible Presidential nominee, to a chain of pizza restaurants which accept
pesos, segueing into
Letters from Iwo Jima winning the Best foreign Film
Golden Globe. In another "Stephen Colbert's Sport Report", Colbert covers
David Beckham playing for Los Angeles, and an anti-Colbert movement of fans
throwing teddy bears on the ice when the
Saginaw Spirit played the
Oshawa Generals in the
Ontario Hockey League. | |||||
200 | "None" | Lynn Swann, Richard A. Clarke | "It's our 200th episode, our bi-centennial: Where is my commemorative quarter, U.S. mint?! This is The Colbert Report!" | January 17 | 3007 |
Still in anticipation of
Bill O'Reilly arriving in-studio on Thursday Colbert is more nervous than the day before, bringing out some cherished objects he plans to show O'Reilly the next day. He then talks about the
NFL play-offs with
Lynn Swann, trying to trash talk all teams except the
New Orleans Saints who he favors. After the break "Better know a district" continues with
Washington's 3rd congressional district representative,
Brian Baird. | |||||
201 | "Go It Alone" | Bill O'Reilly | "Caution, you are about to watch me enter a no spin zone. This is The Colbert Report!" | January 18 | 3008 |
The big day is here, so Colbert is crazy with anticipation that
Bill O'Reilly will be on the show, stating that his only goal with this show was to see this day, which makes him reveal a "
Mission Accomplished" banner and open the last door on his "Bill O'Reilly advent calendar" (in which he finds
Geraldo's mustache). He then turns back to US politics talking about Bush's plans to rise the troop levels in Iraq. He then talks about fights between celebrities on his segment "We the MEdiator", rethinking his last week's judgements. | |||||
202 | "Exact Words" | Thomas Schaller | "Hey America. I was thinking if you're not busy for the next half-hour, maybe you'd like to, I don't know, you know, watch the show? It's not a date or anything; we're just hanging out. This is The Colbert Report!" | January 22 | 3009 |
Stephen is disappointed at the loss by the
New Orleans Saints to the
Chicago "God-less killing Machines" Bears. In another "Who's Riding My Coattails Now?", Colbert calls out
Bill Clinton for speaking at
Knox College after Colbert already had, and artist
Terence Koh for selling
sperm (in his art) after Stephen's Formula 401 line. The Word is based on the refusal of
Alberto Gonzales to admit a right of the people not stated specifically in the Constitution. In another "Stephen Colbert's Balls For Kidz", gambling is discussed. | |||||
203 | "None" | Michael S. Steele | "Stay tuned for 22 minutes of highlights from tonight's show. This is The Colbert Report." | January 23 | 3010 |
Stephen explains that this is the second of two episodes they taped on January 22, so that he can host a
State of the Union address party on the 23rd.
Russ Lieber appears in-studio to comment on new laws of the Democrat-controlled Congress. A new Threatdown is "Media Watchdog" themed. The episode ends with Colbert asking the audience if they want to do another 22 minutes. | |||||
204 | "Great News" | Lou Dobbs | "Cleanliness is next to Godliness: Churches, fill your baptismal fonts with Purell." | January 24 | 3011 |
Lou Dobbs, author of War on the Middle Class, faces the truth hammer when he sits down to talk with Stephen. | |||||
205 | "S.M.A.F.U." | Mike Wallace | "Nation, It's time to grab the bull by the horns! If there are no horns, you're grabbing a cow, stop it! This is the Colbert Report!" | January 25 | 3012 |
Bill O'Reilly spills the beans on Stephen, and says what he really thought of him on his show. Colbert interviews Coach
Bob Mancini of the
Saginaw Spirit. And he doesn't like how he stands on the
SMU dispute over
Bush's library. | |||||
206 | " Wikilobbying" | Barry Lando | "A, E, I, O, U, and sometimes Y? Consonant or vowel, make up your mind, we're at war. This is the Colbert Report!" | January 29 | 3013 |
Colbert wins bet with mayor of Oshawa after Saginaw Spirit defeated
Oshawa Generals. Colbert discusses
Microsoft
paying Rick Jelliffe for Wikipedia edits, and concludes that truth has become a commodity. He offers on air five dollars to the first person to write "reality has become a commodity" on Wikipedia. Wag of the finger to
Scientology, which named
Tom Cruise as the "Christ" of the cult. | |||||
207 | "None" | Donna Shalala | "I am the Hall to America's Oates. This is The Colbert Report!" | January 30 | 3014 |
Colbert opens the show by showing a clip from
Fox News'
Fox & Friends, talking about the invisible beam that makes a person think he is on fire. Colbert then talks about how he stole his neighbor's
New York Times and argues with
David Leonhardt about what one could do with $1.2 trillion. This is followed by a new segment, "Judge, Jury, and Executioner" and ends by revealing the new microwave (fitted with a Colbert Report logo) which he would be sending to
Bill O'Reilly after stealing his earlier.
[1] | |||||
208 | " Black sheep" | Jed Babbin | "Warning, the contents of USA Today are really about the USA yesterday. This is The Colbert Report!" | January 31 | 3015 |
Colbert opens the show by discussing the "problem" with
Global warming and in protest replaces Bobby with a 5000 Watt heat lamp. This is followed by the return of the "On Notice" board and the introduction of the "Fantasies" board.
Jane Fonda (his fantasy) and
The Weather Channel are placed on notice and
Lutherans and
E Street Band are taken off. This is followed by the 39th installment of
Better Know a District, with
New York's 6th congressional district representative,
Gregory Meeks. |
No. | " The Wørd" | Guest(s) | Introductory phrase | Original air date | Production code |
---|---|---|---|---|---|
209 | "We Shall Overcome" | Chuck Schumer | " Super Bowl Sunday isn't for three more days, but Colbert Report Thursday starts right now! This is The Colbert Report!" | February 1 | 3016 |
Colbert comments on the
2007 Boston Mooninite Scare that occurred in Boston and laments the fact that he can no longer proceed with his obviously threatening-looking advertisements. This is followed by the "Movies Destroying America" segment, commenting on
Steve Carell's nomination and
Ellen DeGeneres hosting. The show is ended by Colbert presenting "The Most Poetic F#@king Thing I've Ever Heard" | |||||
210 | "Second Opinion" | Wendy Kopp | "Hey! Peyton Manning! I'm going to Disneyworld, too! Let's go halfsies on a Day Pass! This is The Colbert Report!" | February 5 | 3017 |
Colbert is ecstatic at the slaughtering the Bears underwent in
Super Bowl XLI. Also, he introduces a new product "Formula 419" (A combination of his Formula 401 and 18,
Peyton Manning's Jersey number). Then, Colbert notes that Stephen Jr. has returned from Canada and back into Washington (unfortunately in Washington's 3rd, where Better Known representative
Brian Baird has lobbied for a new hunting law). Colbert asks residents of North Oregon to lure Stephen Jr. out. This is followed by the Threatdown: Energy Efficiency, Giant Mexican Babies, Naked People, Miss America, Valentine Candy. Valentine Candy is #1, for introducing new candy hearts which say "Bear Hug" on them. | |||||
211 | "Making A Killing" | Charlie LeDuff | "I'm attacking American enemies like a spurned astronaut! This is The Colbert Report!" | February 6 | 3018 |
Colbert receives a message from Master Media International that they would be praying on his behalf on February 22. This is followed by the 40th installment of
Better Know A District (Ohio's 18th with congressman
Zack Space). | |||||
212 | "Silence" | Steven Pinker | "Now's your chance to fall in love with Colbert Colbert all over again. This is The Colbert Report!" | February 7 | 3019 |
Colbert starts by introducing a new segment, "California Values Watch". After addressing San Francisco Mayor
Gavin Newsom's recent problems. Then talks about the controversy stirred between Representatives
Loretta Sanchez and
Joe Baca. This is followed by the series finale of
Tek Jansen. | |||||
213 | "None" | Debra Dickerson, Chris Hedges | "And if you think this sounds good, then you will enjoy this show! This is The Colbert Report!" | February 8 | 3020 |
Stephen starts by talking about the astronaut incident on the news and especially that everyone talks about
Lisa Nowak wearing a diaper, admitting that he too wears a diaper during his workday. He then claims that
Henry Kissinger called him to get him to run for president, which he says he will "not" do (or will he?) but he has formed an exploratory committee on whether to form an exploratory committee. He then talks about
Barack Obama's presidential chances with
Debra Dickerson (who claims that Obama is not black in the traditional sense). After the break he talks about the
Scooter Libby trial which he compares with the
Salem Witch Trials in a segment called "Was it really that bad?" | |||||
214 | "Inappropriate" | Michael Oppenheimer | "Happy birthday Charles Darwin, in Hell!! This is The Colbert Report." | February 12 | 3021 |
Stephen starts by dancing/singing "
My Humps" behind his desk and discusses
Grammys. He then talks about criticism of the
Iraq War transitioning into "The Wørd." This is followed by a "Tip of the Hat – Wag of the Finger" segment, in which he commends Australian Prime Minister
John Howard for his attack on Barack Obama, but also chastises him for attacking an American citizen. He then talks with guest
Michael Oppenheimer about his
climate change report. He closes by naming
Bollywood iconic actor
Amitabh Bachchan, who survived a camel kick to the head, "Alpha Dog of the Week." | |||||
215 | " Frenemy" | Sheryl WuDunn | None, The episode starts right with the theme song. | February 13 | 3022 |
Colbert talks about the Chinese Menace, entitling a Colbert Report special report "Apocalypse Mao: Murdered By The Orient's Success". | |||||
216 | "Bad Medicine" | Lance Armstrong | "Nation, be mine. This is The Colbert Report." | February 14 | 3023 |
Stephen makes correction, that the Chinese have four times more population than the US, not three. Colbert admonishes people teaching
seniors about sex. Sport Report: about the
Westminster Dog Show, the
Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition, and mentions that the
Saginaw Spirit had reached the playoffs. | |||||
217 | "None" | Shashi Tharoor | "There is an 'I' in 'team' the way I spell it. This is the Colbert Report." | February 15 | 3024 |
Colbert talks about how Mastermedia International will pray for him on February 22. Asks
J. J. Abrams how his prayer day went, with photo of
Jimmie "J.J." Walker showing. Then he moves on, to talking about
Helen Thomas losing her front row seat at the
White House press room. Interviews
Candice Bergen by phone about her prayer day too.
Better Know A District guest was
Vic Snyder from
Arkansas's 2nd congressional district. | |||||
218 | "Success" | Zev Chafets | "And... the award.. for the best adaptation of the truth.. goes to.. [Opens envelope, a la the Academy Awards] This is the Colbert Report!" | February 26 | 3025 |
Stephen compares Britain leaving
Iraq to Britain leaving the U.S. and India – saying it will cause a flourish of Democracy. | |||||
219 | "Recoil" | Craig Venter | "A portion of this program has been recorded at a frequency only dogs can hear." (Silently mouths "This is the Colbert Report.") | February 27 | 3026 |
Stephen comments on a recent report about
Al Gore's energy usage.
Outdoor Life fires a columnist for calling for an
assault rifle ban, an action Colbert commends in the Wørd.
Steagle Colbeagle the Eagle is named a top mascot, behind only the Toronto Raptor. As a result, the
Toronto Raptors are moved from "on notice" to "dead to me." Tip/Wag: Wag to
Bilk (Japanese beer + milk company), Tip to 107-year-old Chan Chi. | |||||
220 | "None" | Nina Jablonski | "February, if you had any balls, you'd be three days longer. This is the Colbert Report." | February 28 | 3027 |
Colbert comments on how
David Geffen has switched his support from
Hillary Clinton to
Barack Obama. Then he mentions how
Tom Vilsack chickened out of the presidential race, and interviews him in a new segment, Profiles in Quitters. And Problems Without Solutions, special report about SAHD's (
Stay-at-home dad's), which Colbert says is against nature's laws. |
No. | " The Wørd" | Guest(s) | Introductory phrase | Original air date | Production code |
---|---|---|---|---|---|
221 | "Bury The Lead" | Larry King | "Hey America, are you thinking what I'm thinking? You soon will be. This is The Colbert Report." | March 1 | 3028 |
Mr. Colbert thanks those who prayed for him last Thursday, with his prayer hat and
foam fingers. Also he comments on the coverage of the
Anna Nicole Smith story.
Better Know A District guest was
Steve Cohen from
Tennessee's 9th congressional district. | |||||
222 | "None" | Ben & Jerry, Mara Vanderslice | "Honk if you love the truth and please stop watching TV while you're driving. This is The Colbert Report." | March 5 | 3029 |
Stephen comments on how many politicians have visited
Walter Reed Hospital since the scandal.
Ben and Jerry appeared to promote their new
ice cream flavor named in honor of Stephen. Bears & Balls segment about recent economic fluctuations. And Mara Vanderslice talked about how
Democrats can adapt to reach out to Christians. | |||||
223 | "WWJD [What Would Jesus Dispense]" | Mark Frauenfelder | "For best results, apply this program four times daily. This is The Colbert Report." | March 6 | 3030 |
Stephen brags about winning the
Mega Millions drawing, which hadn't happened yet. In this segment he also mocks
Viacom CEO
Sumner Redstone. Then he talks about how
Lewis "Scooter" Libby was found Not Guilty on 1 of the 5 counts. In The Word segment, Colbert commends doctors who refuse to treat patients for religious reasons.
[2] ThreatDown segment:
No. 1 was
Gravity. | |||||
224 | "Don't" | Michael Specter | "Farewell Ernest Gallo. In your honor, I'm doing tonight's show hammered. This is The Colbert Report." | March 7 | 3031 |
Colbert makes a rare correction about winning
Mega Millions drawing, and calls his boss
Sumner Redstone to grovel. The Word was about removing the military
Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy. Then there was 2007's first installment of "Easter Under Attack": proposed
Easter Bunny name change to spring bunny. And Michael Specter talks about
Vladimir Putin's suppression of and mysterious deaths of journalists in Russia. | |||||
225 | "Comic Justice" | Ted Koppel | "You got to crack a few eggs to make an omelet. That's not a metaphor, I want someone to make me an omelet. This is The Colbert Report." | March 8 | 3032 |
Stephen wonders why the media is still discussing the Libby trial. Then he talks about the death of
Captain America, and adds more in The Word.
Better Know A District guest was
John Yarmuth from
Kentucky's 3rd congressional district. | |||||
226 | "Home Field Advantage" | Nicholas Kristof | "Can anyone lend me 20 bucks? I can go to a cash machine after the show. This is The Colbert Report." | March 12 | 3033 |
Stephen upbraids
Bill Gates for giving charitably to other nations while bemoaning America's faltering competitiveness. He retracts his disparaging comments about
Captain America when he learns that the superhero has bequeathed him
his shield. | |||||
227 | "Goodnight" | Michael Eric Dyson | "I'm the host, which makes you my guests. Hope you brought some wine; it's polite. This is The Colbert Report." | March 13 | 3034 |
Stephen closes the show by announcing The Word ("Goodnight"), after which the credits roll. | |||||
228 | "High Fidelity" | Ed Viesturs | "It's Pi Day today – 3.14. That must be why I'm acting so irrational. This is The Colbert Report." | March 14 | 3035 |
Colbert introduces a new segment, "When
Ancestors Attack." Then he mentions how
Colorado has made
John Denver's "
Rocky Mountain High" their second official song. Sport Report: advice on filling out
March Madness brackets. | |||||
229 | "None" | Ayaan Hirsi Ali | "Beware – Today's Ides of March alert level is at 'Orange.' This is The Colbert Report." | March 15 | 3036 |
Stephen celebrates the last
St. Patrick's Day ever! Then he moves on to how Latin America has so many rabid admirers of
President Bush, with comments from Esteban Colberto. In the 44th installment of
Better Know A District, the guest was
Phil Hare of
Illinois's 17th congressional district. | |||||
230 | "Pound Of Flesh" | Jerome Groopman | "Well, my bracket is shot. This is The Colbert Report." | March 19 | 3037 |
Stephen talks about the latest attack in DC, on him, by
Rahm Emanuel.
[3] The Word refers to
South Carolina proposing to allow prisoners to donate organs to reduce jail time. Threatdown: 5.Angry seniors, 4.Dancing seniors, 3.
Time Magazine, 2.
Fertility clinics, 1.the
U.S. Food and Drug Administration. And the "Alpha Dog Of the Week" was awarded to Robert Hancock of
Carterville, Illinois. | |||||
231 | "Supernatural" | Willie Nelson, Richard Holbrooke | "Hey camels, stop showing off and drink something. This is The Colbert Report." | March 20 | 3038 |
While unveiling threat #
.5 as an addendum to yesterday's threatdown, Colbert finds himself in agreement with a German environmentalist over the
euthanasia of
Knut, a polar bear cub at the
Berlin zoo, until Colbert becomes suddenly enamored when viewing footage of the cub. Later, Colbert collects on a
hockey bet with the mayor of
Oshawa, Ontario, wherein this day would become "Stephen Colbert Day" in the town; the day was chosen to be the same day as the mayor's birthday. During the interview with
Willie Nelson, Colbert summons US diplomat
Richard Holbrooke to
mediate, given Stephen's ire over Willie's competing
Ben & Jerry's ice cream flavor. Later all three performed Willie's hit song "
On the Road Again" with
Bobby on rhythm guitar. | |||||
232 | "Sex" | Benjamin Barber | "It's the first day of spring. Birds and bees, wait 'til you're married. This is The Colbert Report" | March 21 | 3039 |
In the 45th installment of
Better Know A District, the guest was
Maurice Hinchey from
New York's 22nd congressional district. | |||||
233 | "None" | Katie Couric | "America, your letter writing campaign was successful. The show's coming back tonight. This is The Colbert Report!" | March 22 | 3040 |
Debate over DC-residents voting bill with Congresswoman
Eleanor Holmes Norton. Criticism over
Chicago Sun-Times face reading expert Rose Rosetree's interpretation of Stephen's facial features. Phone conversation with Coach
Bob Mancini of the
Saginaw Spirit about the
Ontario Hockey League playoffs. | |||||
234 | "None" | Gwen Ifill, John Perry Barlow | "Warning: refreshing as it is, this show will not replace your electrolytes. This is The Colbert Report!" | March 26 | 3041 |
Stephen expressed his anger that a severed
mummy hand was recently sold at
auction, but not to him; the hand was the earliest example of we're
No. #1. In response to
Rahm Emanuel's practice of discouraging fellow congressional representatives to decline interviews with
Stephen Colbert, Colbert played an interview of him conducted by
PBS's
Gwen Ifill rife with potential misinterpretations. He showed highlights from last week's "
Stephen Colbert Day" in
Oshawa, Ontario, including footage of a fight between team mascots and Canadians impersonating
Stephen Colbert. During the interview with John Perry Barlow, Colbert created the
catch phrase "Librarians are hiding something" in response to the discussion over the
Electronic Frontier Foundation suit against
Viacom, (
Comedy Central's parent company) over the right to use parody despite a
copyright. | |||||
235 | "None" | Madeleine Albright, James Fallows | "Nation, you're like a family. That's why this year I'm claiming you all as dependents. This is The Colbert Report!" | March 27 | 3042 |
Stephen chided
Sean Penn for his blunt criticism of the Bush administration. Colbert discusses Iran, specifically a clash over religion, with former US Secretary of State
Madeleine Albright who took the opportunity to promote her new book
The Mighty and the Almighty: Reflections on America, God, and World Affairs. On the feature 'Tip of the hat, wag of the finger' Colbert took a strong line against children doing
methamphetamine, questioned the need for an
all-gay cable channel and criticized scientists for creating a new breed of sheep. | |||||
236 | " Monkey Business" | Jabari Asim | "This one's for the old blue, white and red — not necessarily in that order. This is The Colbert Report!" | March 28 | 3043 |
Stephen displayed his disappointment at the elimination of
Paulina Porizkova from
Dancing with the Stars, especially given that her husband
Ric Ocasek is a friend of the
show. Colbert discussed oil found in the Arctic Ocean near Russia, and an attempt to add Italy to the
Axis of Evil led to an uncharacteristic breakdown. Later, Colbert discussed the
N-word with author
Jabari Asim, who wrote a book on the subject. | |||||
237 | "Lemon-Raid" | Clive James | "If you're doing yoga, time to transition into the downward facing eagle. This is The Colbert Report." | March 29 | 3044 |
First, Colbert questioned the necessity of the
Equal Rights Amendment, since everyone should be on the
honor system. Later, Colbert cited the promulgation of
John McCain that
Sadr City is much safer than it was three months ago thanks to the military surge, despite the first-hand reports by
Michael Ware that it is not safe for an American to leave the
Green Zone. In response, Colbert suggested that Americans think of Iraq's capitol as
Neverland. (Stephen noted that a
mermaid said of
Christiane Amanpour: "We were only trying to drown her," just as in
Peter Pan.) Later, Colbert proclaimed the heroism of a dog which performed
CPR on its owner. After the break, Colbert decided to create and submit cover photos to
Harlequin Enterprises given their interest in replacing the staid images based on fantasy with more realistic men. Colbert volunteered the intern Meg to help him stage the photos. |
No. | " The Wørd" | Guest(s) | Introductory phrase | Original air date | Production code |
---|---|---|---|---|---|
238 | "None" | Colin Beavan and Katrina vanden Heuvel | " Christos Anestis! This is The Colbert Report!" | April 9 | 3045 |
Colbert celebrates the 4th anniversary of the
liberation of Baghdad, while he eats his "
Stephen Colbert's AmeriCone Dream" ice cream. He continues to eat it through the show. And announces that is now the number one flavor of
Ben & Jerry's. He also runs an empty microwave in response to a family's attempt to live a "no
environmental impact" lifestyle. Also in a fake radio show, Colbert insults
Hungarians, reminiscent of the
Don Imus scandal. | |||||
239 | " Hip Replacement" | Jeannette Walls, András Simonyi | "Turn-offs: phony people. Turn-ons: people who watch my show … and sex. This is The Colbert Report." | April 10 | 3046 |
Stephen scolded the
15 British sailors whom after recently returning from captivity in
Iran were seeking to publish accounts of their experience. In "The Wørd", he talked about America's bogus health care crisis. Colbert then changed the subject to an ethnic remark that he made against Hungarians on his fictional radio show, Colbert On the Ert (pronounced "air"), in which he described
Hungarians as "those
paprika-snorting ghoulies." Later, Colbert offered advice on the housing market in a "Bears & Balls" segment, with his big red sound effect button. During the interview with
Jeannette Walls, she talks about her book about growing up
homeless. Finally, Colbert was surprised to hear Hungarian Ambassador,
András Simonyi on the set riffing on a
bald eagle-embossed electric guitar. | |||||
240 | "Season Pass" | Vali Nasr | "The Colbert promise: If you don't like this show, your money back. (Cable fees not included.) This is The Colbert Report." | April 11 | 3047 |
Stephen introduced the latest eponymic animal, Stephanie Colburtle, one of the leatherback sea turtles being tracked from
Costa Rica to the
Galápagos Islands. In "The Wørd", Colbert revisited Monday's story about the
15 British sailors; in response to a British colonel making the distinction between the soldiers' experiences and reality TV, Colbert devised the notion that perhaps Americans should "make the war a reality show" to achieve success in Iraq and to prepare for a future "spin-off in Iraq." In the Sport Report (pronounced "spore re-pore"), criminal activity of athletes and the
Saginaw Spirit's end of the season were discussed. During the interview, Colbert admitted to
Vali Nasr that he might consider admitting the Iraq war to be a mistake if it meant that he wouldn't have needed to learn the difference between
Sunni and
Shia Muslims. | |||||
241 | " Body Armor" | Dr. Richard Land | " Welcome to the Monkey House. This is The Colbert Report." | April 12 | 3048 |
Stephen criticized
Democratic senator
Harry Reid for using "politicizing the war in Iraq" by citing a translation of a recent speech by
Pope Benedict XVI. In "The Wørd," Colbert praised the president for proposing a new "
war czar" position that would "chiefly be in command" of managing wars. Later aired a video describing Stephen's building manager Tad's quest to find a female companion for Stephen Jr., the eponymous bald eagle being tracked by
GPS. Finally, Colbert challenged
Richard Land to name one thing that conservatives have gotten wrong, specifically in regard to their invocation of God to justify political decisions. | |||||
242 | "Clean Slate" | John Kerry | "Some parts of this episode are void in Alaska and Hawaii. This is The Colbert Report." | April 16 | 3049 |
Stephen begins by issuing a correction for having called
Boyd K. Packer the "
Mormon Pope" or "Mope," when he is more of a Mormon Cardinal, or "Mardinal." Colbert then compares
Don Imus' firing with upcoming testimony of
Alberto Gonzales before Congress regarding the U.S. Attorney firings scandal. In the second act, Colbert comments on
Paulina Porizkova referring to Colbert as "so hot" in an interview and places a call to her home, but ends up leaving a voicemail claiming to be Dr.
Stephen Hawking. And names
Paul Wolfowitz his Alpha Dog of the Week, or in this case, Alpha Wolf of the Week for his role in the
World Bank scandal. | |||||
243 | "Plan B" | Elaine Pagels | "I'd never get a $400 haircut. [4] I'd get $100 haircuts four times a week. This is The Colbert Report." | April 17 | 3050 |
Stephen announced that he will be having a
metaphor-off with
Sean Penn on Thursday's show. Update on Stephanie Colburtle the turtle who was in 2nd place at the time of broadcast on the race to the
Galápagos Islands, by some logic "proving
Darwin wrong." Short mention of
Iraqi insurgents. On the section Tip of the hat, wag of the finger, Colbert responded to several stories (failure of
abstinence-only sex education, cell phones interfering with the navigation of bees, "fake sperm" which "allow lesbians to have their own biological daughters," and a Japanese company recalling
bidets which have been known to emit fire). | |||||
244 | "Branding" | Paulina Porizkova | "If you're watching outside of your coverage area, this is a $10 co-pay. This is The Colbert Report." | April 18 | 3051 |
On Who's NOT honoring me now, Colbert complained that he was not being awarded a
Pulitzer Prize in journalism. In "The Wørd," Colbert suggested the corporate
sponsorship of the War on Terror since the "
War on Terror is more than a name." Video showed promoting
bovine growth hormones in dairy cows. In the interview, Colbert asked Paulina to state again that "Stephen is hot!" The two then discussed Paulina's supermodel status – Colbert certified her as a current supermodel since he is an "arbiter of American taste" — and the world of modeling in general. | |||||
245 | "$400 Haircut [4]" | Robert Pinsky, Sean Penn | "A dozen is 12. Bakers, learn how to count. This is The Colbert Report." | April 19 | 3052 |
Stephen balks at a scientific study saying that
chimpanzees are more evolved than humans in
DNA. On "The Wørd," he talks about
John Edwards' $400 haircut and considers him going over to the Republican party. Colbert then interviews
Sean Penn, and leads to a Meta-Free-Phor-All hosted by Pinsky (the decider of topics for the rounds used humorous pictures and sound effects in the style of The Daily Show's "God Machine," which Colbert usually took part in). Penn uses the "soiled and blood-soaked underwear" metaphor three times. The last round features an image of
George W. Bush in said underwear, and Sean Penn wins 10 million points, much to the dismay of Stephen. | |||||
246 | "None" | Mike Huckabee, Russell Simmons | "The weather's warmed up, and I'm showing some skin. This is The Colbert Report!" | April 23 | 3053 |
247 | "Act Globally" | Dr. Andrew Weil | "Happy second anniversary, Pope Benedict! You'll always be Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger to me. This is The Colbert Report. | April 24 | 3054 |
The first act opens with a remembrance of
Boris Yeltsin. Colbert continues with a combative interview with
Eleanor Holmes Norton regarding a recent bill to give the
District of Columbia a vote in the
U.S. House of Representatives. In "The Wørd," Colbert comments on
United States Environmental Protection Agency Administrator
Stephen Johnson's announcement that the Bush Administration's anti-
global warming efforts are delivering "real results". Colbert continues with news of Russia's new regulation that all broadcasts must be 50% good news. The "Alpha Dog of the Week," went to
Uncle Ben's for "breaking through the
Jemima ceiling". In the interview, Colbert speculates that Dr. Weil is
Dr. Phil's alter ego without a beard. | |||||
248 | "Sacrifice" | David Walker | "They found a new Earth-like planet, drive that Hummer all you want! This is The Colbert Report." | April 25 | 3055 |
Colbert decides that a new name is necessary for the long war, and comes up with Freemerican Victernity Made in China. He then backs the idea of having
illegal immigrants fight in the armed services in exchange for citizenship. He points out his position on the cover of
GQ, then complains about the
Four Horsemen of the A-pop-calypse: movies, television, music, and books. | |||||
249 | " Mending Wall" | Madeleine Bordallo, Tom Wolfe | "Happy National TV Turn-Off Week, you hypocrites! This is The Colbert Report." | April 26 | 3056 |
Stephen is unhappy at the fact that Stephanie Colburtle The Turtle did not win The Great Turtle Race, after being bested by another turtle named Billy. He claims Billy is a male, and demands a re-race. (After explaining that one can tell the sex of a turtle by the
concavity of its
plastron, Colbert says that he checks the plastron on "all [his] dates, and if it's not concave, [he is] outta there." However, a concave plastron denotes a male turtle.) On "The Wørd," he talks about the suggested walled-up neighborhoods of
Baghdad, quoting from the military that these are but "
gated communities" and tells how these areas can be put to good use, in terms of real estate. He continues his four-part series "Better know a
Protectorate," with
Guam, interviewing
Delegate
Madeleine Bordallo. | |||||
250 | "None" | Neil deGrasse Tyson, Bill Bradley | "It's the last day of April. One more month 'till Speedo season! Do your squats. This is The Colbert Report." | April 30 | 3057 |
No. | " The Wørd" | Guest(s) | Introductory phrase | Original air date | Production code |
---|---|---|---|---|---|
251 | "Who Cares?" | Malcolm Gladwell | "Tonight the part of Stephen Colbert will be played by, Stephen Col-Bert. The Management regrets any inconvenience. This is The Colbert Report." | May 1 | 3058 |
252 | "Better Safe Than Sorry" | Mike Gravel, Gina Kolata | "Caution: Tonight's show may be a suffocation hazard, because you can't poke holes in my arguments. This is The Colbert Report." | May 2 | 3059 |
Colbert celebrates Bush's veto of the Iraq troop funding bill. He then argues that it's better to torture a few innocent people if it keeps terrorists from getting away. In the second segment, he interviews
Mike Gravel about his statements during the recent Democratic presidential debate. Finally, he interviews Gina Kolata about her recent book on diets. | |||||
253 | "The Unquisition" | Conn Iggulden | "I will now make a brief thirty minute statement followed by no questions. This is The Colbert Report." | May 3 | 3060 |
Colbert comments on the recent half clay, half grass tennis match between
Roger Federer and
Rafael Nadal, then places grass over half of his desk. He then commends
atheists for organizing themselves in Europe, so they'll be easier to fight. In Better Know a District,
Tom Davis, from
Virginia's 11th congressional district is interviewed. Finally, Colbert chats with Conn Iggulden about his recent book stating that boys should be encouraged to take risks while growing up. | |||||
254 | "The Intolerant" | Richard Preston | "Guests of The Colbert Report stay on the fabulous couches of their friends. This is The Colbert Report." | May 7 | 3061 |
Stephen sends a coded message to the recently elected conservative, pro-American, French President
Nicolas Sarkozy. Then he comments on the liberal bias of the questions at last week's first
debate of
Republican Party presidential candidates. And on the segment "Cheating Death with Dr. Colbert T. Colbert, D.F.A.", his solution to health problems is to give people his "Vaxadrin". Also, Colbert defined the term
Enviroporn as the having of sex in trees of enormous height. Enviroporn is executed without the aid of harnesses or other safety equipment, but instead a boat-like structure (which Richard Preston describes in his book The Wild Trees) | |||||
255 | "Rendered Moot" | Nassim Nicholas Taleb | "Hey, Transformers: robots, or cars? We're at war, pick a side. This is The Colbert Report." | May 8 | 3062 |
Colbert gives a shout out to the
USS Rhode Island. He then blasts Hillary Clinton's bill to revoke the
Iraq War authorization. The second segment features a ThreatDown: 5.
Oprah, 4. Publicists, 3.
Austrians, 2. Spiders, 1.
Knut, calling him the
Justin Timberlake of godless killing machines. Finally, Colbert discusses Taleb's
Black swan theory. | |||||
256 | "None" | Salman Rushdie, Jane Fonda | "Clothes don't make the man, God does. Stop taking credit, my pants! This is The Colbert Report." | May 9 | 3063 |
Stephen tries to interview Jane Fonda, with her sitting on his lap the whole time. | |||||
257 | "Illusion" | Jann Wenner | "This show is an acquired taste. If you don't like it, acquire some taste. This is The Colbert Report." | May 10 | 3064 |
Stephen makes a Korean R&B video after finishing 2nd in the Time 100 Most Influential People online poll to Korean pop star
Rain. Colbert then names
Naperville, Illinois his "Hometown Hero Town." | |||||
258 | "Supporting Role" | William Langewiesche | "Happy belated Mother's Day! This is The Colbert Report." | May 14 | 3065 |
259 | "Heated Debate" | Walter Isaacson | " This way lies madness, because I'm mad at a lot of things. This is The Colbert Report." | May 15 | 3066 |
260 | "Level Playing Field" | Howard Dean | "Watch this show in a well ventilated area. My truth can be overpowering. This is The Colbert Report." | May 16 | 3067 |
261 | "None" | Tom DeLay, Randy Kearse | "If you like The Colbert Report, then you'll love what's coming next. This is The Colbert Report." | May 17 | 3068 |
262 | "His Way" | Jared Diamond | ""I give you 360° of news, minus my 36° finder's fee. This is The Colbert Report" | May 21 | 3069 |
263 | "Party of Change" | John Amaechi | "This show is taped before a live studio audience, as soon as someone removes that dead guy. (pointing to audience) This is The Colbert Report." | May 22 | 3070 |
Stephen calls
Barack Obama a liar, for telling the truth about the false claims on him. ThreatDown Segment:
No.4 was
Michael Moore's upcoming movie "
Sicko" for attempting to bring
socialized medicine to the U.S. And
No.1 was
environmentalists for trying to establish
trust funds for
grey wolves and bears. | |||||
264 | "None" | Bay Buchanan, Bob Deans | "Congratulations, person who won American Idol, I knew it. This is The Colbert Report." | May 23 | 3071 |
Colbert brags that the
Democrats
cut and run on the
Iraq War Funding Bill, by playing the
Burl Ives song, "
Frog Went A-Courting". He also reports on
Lou Dobbs' comment, that Mexican immigrants have
leprosy. Mini-ThreatDown:
Anthony Pellicano, former
P.I. to the stars, which causes Colbert to play voice messages from 1999, about taking
Jon Stewart out. | |||||
265 | "None" | Jimmy Wales | " I report, I decide. This is The Colbert Report." | May 24 | 3072 |
Better Know A District,
Raúl Grijalva from
Arizona's 7th congressional district. |
No. | " The Wørd" | Guest(s) | Introductory phrase | Original air date | Production code |
---|---|---|---|---|---|
266 | "None" | Jan Schakowsky, Leon Botstein | " Loch Ness Monster, come on my show or you're nothing but a myth. This is The Colbert Report." | June 4 | 3073 |
267 | "Mission Control" | Jessica Valenti | "To me, every day is the Fourth of July. Which is why so many of my checks get returned. This is The Colbert Report." | June 5 | 3074 |
Stephen mocks
The New York Times for its article the previous day, "
Romney Political Fortunes Tied to Riches He Gained in Business." Next he calls
Scooter Libby's prison sentence "ludicrous" and gives his advice to Libby about how to handle prison life. Colbert then mentions his feud with Koren pop sensation
Rain and responds to some South Korean press articles about his own previously-aired Korean pop music video. In "The Wørd" he discusses
NASA Administrator
Michael D. Griffin's recent appearance on
NPR. He complains about how the New York Times says people are calling the iPhone "the God machine."
[5] Colbert then displays
The God Machine he used on
The Daily Show. In the segment "When Animals Attack Our Morals" he talks about a pair of male flamingos at an England Zoo that adopted an abandoned chick. Finally he interviews
Jessica Valenti about her book, Full Frontal Feminism. | |||||
268 | "Airogance" | Carl Bernstein | "It's the 63rd anniversary of D-Day. Still waiting for that thank you note, France. This is The Colbert Report" | June 6 | 3075 |
Stephen talks about how the Republican candidates running in the 2008 Presidential election bashed
Bush in their third debate. Then he shows some footage from
The Situation Room when
Soledad O'Brien interviewed the leading Democratic candidates about their faith. Colbert remarks that "asking Democrats about their religion is like asking
Mel Gibson how he enjoyed his
Passover." Next Colbert goes to "The Wørd", which is a continuation of last night's discussion about
NASA Administrator
Michael D. Griffin's recent appearance on
NPR. In "Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger" Colbert wags his finger at
Fox News for discussing
Vladimir Putin's threat to aim missiles at Europe because of President Bush's plan to build missile defense shields there. Colbert tips his hat to Prospero's Books for burning books in protest for how Americans no longer have respect for the printed word.
[6] He also tips his hat to Genosis, Inc. for inventing an at-home male fertility test and uses the opportunity to plug his "Stephen Colbert's Formula 401" fertility product. Colbert wags his finger at guitar players, specifically those who gathered to play "Smoke on the Water" in Kansas City. He claims that his flight was delayed, and he missed out on the celebration. Colbert goes to commercial playing the song on his own guitar. Next Colbert interviews
Carl Bernstein about his book on
Hillary Clinton, A Woman in Charge. After the interview, Colbert talks about an octopus that has learned to open bottles with its tentacles in his segment "The Craziest F#?king Thing I've Ever Heard." | |||||
269 | "Rodham" | Cullen Murphy | "How many times do I have to tell you 'This is The Colbert Report'? One more? Fine! This is The Colbert Report." | June 7 | 3076 |
270 | "Easy A" | Michael D. Gershon | "Hey, Tony Awards, you forgot this performance: (waving his hands) This is The Colbert Report." | June 11 | 3077 |
271 | "None" | Josh Wolf | "Lights, Camera, Anger! This is The Colbert Report." | June 12 | 3078 |
272 | " Pathophysiology" | Ron Paul | " Good News! I just saved money on my car insurance by switching to no car insurance! This is The Colbert Report." | June 13 | 3079 |
Talked about the
Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy, and spoke about a report called "Psychophysiology of Male Homosexuality" by
James W. Holsinger, who has been nominated by President
George W. Bush to become
Surgeon General, that deemed homosexuality as "unnatural". The ThreatDown featured a flip-flop style: 5. Robots!, 4. Bears!, 3. Robots!, 2. Bears!, and 1. Robot Bears! | |||||
273 | "None" | Daniel Smith | "Hey Carly Simon! Thanks for writing that song about me! This is The Colbert Report." | June 14 | 3080 |
Again spoke about the
US Military's
Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy, and spoke with Stephen Benjamin, a translator who was kicked from the military for being gay. In the second part, Colbert debuted the "Summer Special Addition" of Bears and Balls, which featured ways to save money on summer vacations. Colbert spoke briefly on the economy in
Zimbabwe, mentioning the massive inflation in Zimbabwe and commenting that USD$1 equals
ZWD$50,000,000. He also spoke about
ivory, saying that several African countries want to start to collect and trade it again. | |||||
274 | "McConaughey" | Toby Keith | "I had a great Father's Day with all my kids...that I know of. This is The Colbert Report." | June 18 | 3081 |
Stephen comments on
Bob Barker's final appearance as host of
The Price Is Right. He then talks about
People Magazine naming
Matthew McConaughey their sexiest bachelor. Colbert briefly speaks about his music column on
iTunes. In the "Tip Of The Hat, Wag Of The Finger" segment, Colbert applauds
Arnold Schwarzenegger and
Republicans. Finally, Colbert interviews
Toby Keith, who also performs. | |||||
275 | "None" | Anne-Marie Slaughter | "Hey oscillating fans! Left or right? Pick a side! We're at war! This is The Colbert Report!" | June 19 | 3082 |
Stephen comments on the secret
Eric Clapton concert to be held for charity. He then talks about his eagle "son," Colbert Jr, and that
bald eagles are about to come off of the
Endangered Species list. Colbert then talks with MaryBeth Garrigan (and her eagle, Harriet) about National Eagle Day, to be held on June 20. He spoke about
Isaac Newton's prediction on when the
world will end. Colbert names
Robert Bork the "Alpha Dog Of The Week." Finally, Colbert interviews
Anne-Marie Slaughter about America's values. | |||||
276 | "Justice/Just-ish" | Will Schwalbe | "Hey, America! I got shotgun! Not the seat, the gun. This is The Colbert Report." | June 20 | 3083 |
Stephen talks about
Michael Bloomberg, mayor of New York City, leaving the
Republican Party. He then complains about a court ruling that prohibits the United States from indefinitely detaining civilians, even if they are designated "
enemy combatants." In the "Cheating Death with Dr. Colbert T. Colbert, DFA" segment, Colbert talks about nutrition,
oral hygiene and
weight loss. Stephen's solutions for each issue are, respectively, Vaxa-Smacks, Vaxa-Dream and Vaxadril. Finally, Colbert talks with Will Schwalbe about e-mail and how to use it in a better way. | |||||
277 | "Porking" | Vincent Bugliosi | "It's International Surf Day. Shaka bra! (Hawaiian expression meaning 'hang loose.') This is The Colbert Report." | June 21 | 3084 |
Stephen talks about the "Colbert Bump," in regards to
Ron Paul's recent appearance on the show and subsequent bump in the polls. He then complains about
condoms being advertised on television. Colbert re-ran a segment from last year featuring the
Minuteman Project. He then speaks with
Vincent Bugliosi about the
John F. Kennedy assassination. Finally, Colbert gives a short tribute to
Don Herbert, aka "Mr. Wizard," who died the previous week. | |||||
278 | "Fourth Branch" | Tom Hayden | "If you're sitting within three feet of your TV, careful! You're in the 'splash zone.' This is The Colbert Report." | June 25 | 3085 |
Stephen complains about
dumpster diving and to prevent it, he says to horde your trash. He comments on Vice President
Dick Cheney asserting that he is not part of the
Executive Branch. The special "tropical-themed" Threatdown: 5.
Sand! 4. Japan! 3.
Octopi! 2.
Coral reefs! 1. Dolphins! Finally, Colbert interviews
Tom Hayden about the
Iraq War. | |||||
279 | "Elsewhere" | David France | "You've heard of truth in advertising? This is truth with advertising. This is The Colbert Report." | June 26 | 3086 |
Stephen rings in the
yuletide season early. He comments on
Tony Blair possibly converting to
Roman Catholicism, as well as the possibility of the
Bush Administration closing
Guantanamo Bay. He makes a brief comment on the border fence between the United States and Mexico. Colbert names
Fred Thompson the "Alpha Dog Of The Week." Finally, Colbert interviews David France about the potential link between
genetics and homosexuality. | |||||
280 | "None" | Tom Blanton, Daniel Gilbert | "Being me is a full-time job and I've never missed a day. This is The Colbert Report." | June 27 | 3087 |
Stephen complains that
USA Today,
The New York Times and
The Wall Street Journal got an
iPhone before he did. He then speaks with Tom Blanton about recently released secret
CIA documents. In "The Four Horsemen of the A-Pop-Calypse" segment, Colbert discusses
Shaquille O'Neal's
reality show,
Sinéad O'Connor's comeback album,
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows and the
Transformers movie. Finally, Colbert interviews
Daniel Gilbert about the meaning of happiness. | |||||
281 | "Profiles In Timing" | Doug Bailey | "Just six days until my 4th of July fireworks display and just eight days until they're able to put it out. This is The Colbert Report." | June 28 | 3088 |
Stephen plays "
spot the difference" between two pictures of
10 Downing Street. Next, he talks about
Iran rationing fuel to its citizens and compares it to the
1979 energy crisis in the United States. Then, Colbert expresses his happiness that
Richard Lugar thinks that
President Bush's strategy in
Iraq isn't working. In the "Colbert Platinum" segment, Colbert discusses the increasing number of
luxury vehicles that are in
car accidents,
The Vatican's recent "10 Commandments of Driving," and the
Montblanc "Mystery Masterpiece" pen that is encrusted in
diamonds and sells for $700,000. Finally, Colbert interviews
Doug Bailey about
Unity08. |
No. | " The Wørd" | Guest(s) | Introductory phrase | Original air date | Production code |
---|---|---|---|---|---|
282 | "None" | Ben Nelson, Richard Florida | "Did you miss me? I know. I missed me too. This is The Colbert Report." | July 16 | 3089 |
Colbert discusses the
Scooter Libby
trial, mentioning that he attempted to dig a tunnel to prison to free Libby. Colbert then mentions that
Pope Benedict XVI issued a proclamation stating that Protestant churches
are not true churches. Colbert then discusses a study that found that living next to homosexuals increase property values. Colbert interviews
Richard Florida, author of Rise of the Creative Class, and leader of the study. Colbert then talks about
Feminism and women's rights, including a video featuring pole dancers and the Difference Maker of the week, Johnna Mink. Finally, Colbert interviews
Senator
Ben Nelson, discussing the
Iraq War. | |||||
283 | "Victimcrite" | Mark Moffett | "Well, well, well, we meet again. Only this time, it is I who have my own television show. This is The Colbert Report." | July 17 | 3090 |
Colbert talks about the ongoing debate in the
Senate about creating a timetable for
withdrawing from Iraq. Colbert then expresses his goal of making his show 24 hours long. Colbert then speaks about the
David Vitter Prostitution Scandal involving
Deborah Jeane Palfrey. In the Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger segment, Colbert tips his hat to
Secretary of Defense
Robert Gates, and wags his finger to
IHOP and Japan. Colbert interviews Mark Moffett about
ants and their behavior. Finally, in solidarity with the
Republicans about the all-night
Senate debate, Colbert announces he will do the show for 24 hours. He then begins a 500-count Threatdown and gets to Threat No. 499, "Past Love Regrets" | |||||
284 | " " | John Mellencamp | "(continuing from where we left off with an unkempt-looking Stephen apparently still doing ThreatDown at Threat #499, throwing an empty energy drink can down after drinking it) Okay, so we're lined up after recess, and there she is, Deborah Downing: girl I had a crush on since kindergarten. She says to me 'do you like kickball?', and I love kickball, it was my favorite thing in the world! Hell, I was holding a kickball! But do I say I like kickball? No, I look at her and say 'I don't know'. (starts to sob and tries to hold back tears) She walks away! Okay, who's up next? Preschool: Abby McPherson- ( egg timer dings) Ha-ha! Ah, there! (hits the egg timer) I broadcast my show for 24 hours straight in solidarity with Republicans during their forced overnight debate in the Senate, and it is over! Woo, I did it! Also, that means (gets out a pot from below his desk) my 24-hour egg is ready. I do hate a runny yolk. This is (starts to sob again) The Colbert Report!" | July 18 | 3091 |
Stephen picks up where he left off last night, Threat No. 499 on the Threatdown, "Past Love Regrets." Colbert again comments on the previous night's all-night debate in the
Senate, and how he "did the show" for 24 hours to show solidarity with the
Republicans. He then thanks the
Bush Administration and the media for re-frightening him about
Al-Qaeda. Colbert then complains about
Vatican City being the first sovereign state in the world to go
carbon neutral. Next, he names
David Beckham the "Alpha Dog Of The Week." Finally, Colbert interviews
John Mellencamp, who also performs his song "Our Country." | |||||
285 | "None" | Michael Moore, Frank Sulloway | "Bless you! I assumed somebody sneezed... This is The Colbert Report." | July 19 | 3092 |
Stephen reports on
John McCain's recent
presidential campaign woes. He briefly comments on former
Virginia governor
Jim Gilmore's withdrawal of his candidacy for President of the United States. He then talks about the recent spat between
Michael Moore and
CNN's
Dr. Sanjay Gupta about alleged inaccuracies in Moore's film
Sicko. Colbert then interviews Moore. Next, he introduces a new segment, "The March To Enslavement," in which he worries about $100
laptops and
Apple's new
iPhone. The crawls at the bottom of the segment are attempts to spell "$100 LAPTOPS" and "APPLE" respectively in binary, though the first crawl isn't complete. Finally, Colbert interviews
Frank Sulloway about the possible link between
birth order,
I.Q., and
radicalism | |||||
286 | "Premium Package" | Simon Schama | (Intently reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows through the usual opening introduction. Cuts away and pans over the entire audience reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.) "Wha — ? Oh, this is The Colbert Report..." | July 23 | 3093 |
Stephen discusses
Senator
Ben Nelson's July 16 appearance on the show. Nelson apparently
dyed his hair for the interview, but Colbert claimed that his interview area is a
Fountain of Youth. Next, Colbert gets enraged about
welfare queens. Then, Colbert makes a brief comment about the
Dow Jones Industrial Average hitting 14,000 for the first time in history. In the "Colbert Platinum" segment, Colbert discusses luxury
submarines,
polo ponies being stricken with
herpes, and Indian billionaire
Mukesh Ambani building the world's first billion dollar private home. Finally, Colbert interviews
Simon Schama about the benefits of art. | |||||
287 | "Modest Porpoisal" | Anthony Romero | "Congratulations, Drew Carey. CBS, remember to spay and neuter your host. This is The Colbert Report." | July 24 | 3094 |
Stephen briefly talks about
President Bush temporarily transferring presidential powers to
Vice President Cheney while he underwent a
colonoscopy, as well as the
minimum wage increase that went into effect today. Next, he talks about
endangered species going
extinct. In the "Movies That Are Destroying America" segment, he rails against
10,000 B.C.,
Bratz,
I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry and
Hairspray. Colbert interviews
Anthony Romero about the
ACLU. Finally, Colbert pleads to become a member of the
Illuminati. | |||||
288 | "No Regrets" | Charles Kaiser | "If I've said it once, I've said it 287 times. This is The Colbert Report." | July 25 | 3095 |
Stephen discusses a recent study that said
Fox News spent less time covering the
Iraq War than either
CNN or
MSNBC, but
Bill O'Reilly spent quite a bit of time covering reader's comments on the
Daily Kos website, while
Sean Hannity covered the 1993 death of
Vince Foster. He then talks about a new tattoo ink that is easy to remove. Next, he briefly talks about
Fred Thompson's recent shake-up of his
presidential campaign staff. In the "Hometown Hero Town" segment, Colbert honors Bryce Canyon City,
Utah. Finally, Colbert interviews Charles Kaiser about the contributions to society by homosexuals. Colbert then "blows the audiences minds" by not doing a traditional "Good Night" segment. | |||||
289 | "None" | Aaron Houston, Bob Shrum | "Hey, semicolon! Comma or colon? Pick a side, we're at war. This is The Colbert Report." | July 26 | 3096 |
Stephen apparently broke his left wrist last night and tries to figure out how it happened. He realizes it was when he tripped and fell during yesterday's pre-show warm-up. He then talks about residents of
North Dakota's attempt to legalize
hemp and speaks with Aaron Houston about his efforts to get
marijuana legalized. Next, he complains about one of
Nepal's
Kumaris being stripped of her goddess status because she visited the United States. This segues into the "Advice To The Gods" segment. Finally, Colbert interviews
Bob Shrum about his role as adviser to various
Democratic Party presidential candidates. | |||||
290 | "Solidarity" | Evan Osnos | "If you can't stand the heat, air condition your kitchen. This is The Colbert Report." | July 30 | 3097 |
Stephen again talks about his broken wrist and displays the flowers that were sent to him. He then discusses a recent article in
The Wall Street Journal that says dust plumes from China are causing air pollution in the United States. He then complains that
labor unions are destroying America. The Threatdown: 5. Weak American Bellies! 4. The Bankrupt! 3. Party Poopers! 2. Scottish Surgeons! 1.
Badgers! Finally, Colbert interviews Evan Osnos about the effect of China's
cashmere farms on the
environment. | |||||
291 | "Special Prosecutor" | Kathleen Kennedy Townsend | "Mi casa es su casa. "Casa" means "anger," right? This is The Colbert Report." | July 31 | 3098 |
Colbert continues to attack
Hollywood films that show "wrist violence" and calls on Hollywood to stop showing such acts. He introduces a new segment, "Arc! Who Goes There?," also known as, "Smokin' Pole – The Fight for Arctic Riches", where he talks about
Russia's recent claim that the
North Pole and its natural resources belong to them. Colbert calls for America to fight back, fearing that if the Russians control the North Pole, they will control Christmas. He briefly congratulates
Rupert Murdoch's takeover of
The Wall Street Journal, although he wonders if he has instead taken over
Reuters, who were first to report the story. Colbert then interviews
Kathleen Kennedy Townsend about religion and politics. |
No. | " The Wørd" | Guest(s) | Introductory phrase | Original air date | Production code |
---|---|---|---|---|---|
292 | "College Credit" | Michael Beschloss | "Hot enough for you? Yes I am. This is The Colbert Report." | August 1 | 3099 |
Stephen continues to talk about wrist violence, and creates a new segment of the show, "Wrist Watch." Colbert is visited by Dr. Jerald Vizzone, his
orthopedic surgeon, and tells Colbert he will be fine. On "The Wørd," Colbert announces his idea for arranging all fields of knowledge into a three-tier pricing system – "Marketable" (Business, Engineering, Science), "Non-marketable" (History) and "You know this is killing your parents" (Classics, Comparative literature, Linguistics). He argues that universities should apply monetary values to facts. In the "When Animals Attack Our Morals" segment, he attacks pigeons that been given a
birth control pill, a cat, named
Oscar, that curls up to a patient who then seems to die after around 4 hours, and a
seagull that stole
Doritos. Colbert then interviews
Michael Beschloss about the presidential courage. | |||||
293 | "None" | John R. MacArthur, Michael Behe | "Selected members of our studio audience tonight will be receiving chairs. This is The Colbert Report." | August 2 | 3100 |
Stephen is appalled by the
Bush administration's alleged plan to build a
NAFTA
superhighway across the United States. He's then joined by
John R. MacArthur to discuss the rumor. Next, he talks about the
Defense Department sending troops in
Fallujah an aid package containing
ThighMasters. In the "Mini Sport Report," Colbert briefly discusses
Alex Rodriguez's pursuit of 500
home runs and
Barry Bonds' quest to break
Hank Aaron's all-time home run record. Colbert then interviews
Michael Behe about
intelligent design. Finally, Colbert pays tribute to
Ingmar Bergman, who died on July 30. | |||||
294 | "The Dark Side" | Ian Bogost | "Here's America's fortune: (opening a fortune cookie). This is The Colbert Report... in bed." | August 7 | 3101 |
Stephen compares the
YearlyKos Convention to the
Nazis, calling them
fascists. In "The Wørd," he talks about how we need to break the law to fight terrorism. In "Better Know A
Protectorate", he talks to Representative
Eni Fa'aua'a Hunkin Faleomavaega, Jr., and tries to make him argue for
nuclear testing in
American Samoa. He then interviews Ian Bogost about how computers act as an expressive medium. He ends with a new segment, "Colbert Commonsensicals," which features an inspirational message. It is, "Always use a mirror when you're shaving, or you might miss a spot." | |||||
295 | "None" | Jim Cramer, Tina Brown | "This show is gonna knock your socks off and I am not responsible for their replacement value. This is The Colbert Report." | August 8 | 3102 |
Stephen again comments on his broken left wrist and the agony it's causing him. In the "Wrist Watch" segment, he talks about
Lance Armstrong's
Livestrong wristband and introduces his own product, the Wriststrong
bracelet. He then discusses the fluctuating
stock market and interviews
Jim Cramer. In the "Bears & Balls" segment, Colbert talks about the
2008 Summer Olympics,
bootlegged
Harry Potter books, and
Barry Bonds breaking the
Major League Baseball all-time
home run record. Finally, Colbert interviews
Tina Brown about her book on
Princess Diana, The Diana Chronicles. | |||||
296 | "Clarity (Second Use)" | Judd Apatow | " That tingling sensation means the truth is working. This is The Colbert Report." | August 9 | 3103 |
Stephen starts off by mentioning his Wriststrong
bracelet. He gave
Katie Couric one and she promised to wear it on her July 7
newscast, but much to Steven's chagrin, she didn't. He then talks about
Rudy Giuliani's statement that in four
Democratic presidential debates, no Democrat used the term "
Islamic terrorism." In the "Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger" segment, Colbert wags his finger at
Michael Bloomberg, tips his hat to
The New York Times and
Esquire, and wags his finger at
Hurricane Katrina
refugees. Finally, Colbert interviews
Judd Apatow about his
films, including the upcoming
Superbad. | |||||
297 | "White Guy" | Michael F. Jacobson | (we see Stephen unable to find camera and pills due to prescription painkiller withdrawal) Tonight- Which is my camera? Where are- where's my ca- which is- where are my pills? Which is my camera, and where are my pills?! Do we have to do this right now?! This is The Colbert Report." | August 13 | 3104 |
Stephen begins by saying that he has run out of the drugs he has been using to help with his wrist, and is therefore suffering from
hallucinations. He then talks about
Karl Rove's resignation, claiming this was an hallucination. In "The Wørd," Colbert believes that
John Edwards should declare himself a black woman to increase his chances of winning the election. He then presents an all-animal "Threatdown": 5. Bats! 4. Monkeys! 3.
Karl Rove! 2.
Marmosets! 1. Bears! Finally, Colbert interviews
Michael Jacobson about nutrition. | |||||
298 | "None" | Jerry Miller, Spencer Wells | None | August 14 | 3105 |
Stephen talks about his favorite product, Stephen Colbert's Formula 401, and his sadness that a tanker filled with it jackknifed on the highway. He then presents a special repor-t, "
DNA – Could It Happen To You?" He begins with an educational film on DNA. Colbert then attacks the
Innocence Project, claiming it puts the whole criminal justice system into doubt, and interviews Jerry Miller. Finally, Colbert interviews
Spencer Wells about the
Genographic Project and they trace Stephen's DNA. | |||||
299 | "Potential" | Markos Moulitsas, Michael Wallis | "If anyone asks where I was between 11:30 and 12, I was right here. This is The Colbert Report." | August 15 | 3106 |
From the previous episode, Colbert again mentions the possibility that his ancestors were Jewish. He then discusses perceived inflammatory speech on the
Daily Kos website and interviews the website's founder,
Markos Moulitsas. In the "Monkey on the Lam" segment, Colbert talks about a
capuchin monkey that picked the lock on his cage door at a zoo in
Tupelo, Mississippi, for the second time in two weeks. He then discusses
Attorney General
Alberto Gonzales' failure to meet his potential. Finally, Colbert interviews
Michael Wallis about the
Lincoln Highway. | |||||
300 | "None" | Mike Huckabee, Andrew Keen | "Happy 300th show, me! Keep up the good work, me! This is The Colbert Report." | August 16 | 3107 |
Stephen begins by asking people not to watch his interview with
Richard Branson on August 22, which has been reported in the media as a "trainwreck." Colbert then interviews
Mike Huckabee, claiming that he came second in the
Iowa Straw Poll due to his appearances on The Colbert Report, and what Colbert claims is the "Colbert Bump." In the "Cheating Death with Dr. Colbert T. Colbert, DFA" segment, he talks about
genetics, continuing from Tuesday's
DNA special repor-t. Finally, Colbert interviews
Andrew Keen on the Internet's effect on culture. | |||||
301 | "Made in Iraq" | Nathan Sawaya | "I'm offering back-to-school savings. Save yourself the pain and don't go back to school. This is The Colbert Report." | August 20 | 3108 |
Stephen continues to attack wrist violence, and says the worst offender in "wrist snuff" is
Steven Seagal. He also announces that his "Wriststrong"
bracelets are now available from colbertnation.com, and all proceeds go to help the
Yellow Ribbon Fund. Colbert introduces a new segment, "Nailed 'Em," focusing on successful stories in the criminal justice system. In "The Wørd," he suggests that most American products should be made in Iraq. He interviews
Nathan Sawaya about his art, which he makes out of
Lego. | |||||
302 | "Self-Determination" | Michael Shermer | " Is it still raining? I hadn't noticed. This is The Colbert Report." | August 21 | 3109 |
Stephen starts with the "Smokin' Pole: The Fight for Arctic Riches" segment, where he attacks Canada's claim to the
Northwest Passage through the
Arctic, claiming it belongs to the United States. In "The Wørd," Colbert attacks
WikiScanner claiming it prevents corporations from editing their own entries, and describes Wikipedia as, "
Second Life for corporations". In the "Formidable Opponent" segment, Colbert debates himself on different ways people could conduct terrorist attacks. Finally, he interviews
Michael Shermer about
skepticism. | |||||
303 | "November Surprise" | Richard Branson | "'Your phone is ringing. Your phone is ringing.' Free ringtone. This is The Colbert Report." | August 22 | 3110 |
Stephen begins the show wearing an airliner pilot's uniform. He talks about the "Colbert-Branson Interview Trainwreck" and that an
airliner owned by
Virgin America has been named the "Air Colbert." In "The Wørd," Colbert talks about
Fred Thompson not formally declaring himself as a candidate for the election. He then discusses
Brian Williams failing to give his Wriststrong
bracelet to someone more famous, i.e.
Matt Lauer, and creates a new segment, "Where In The World Is Matt Lauer's Wriststrong Bracelet?" In the "Colbert Platinum" segment, he talks about the shutting down of a
helipad in
Saint-Tropez and the growing demand for champagne. Finally, he interviews
Richard Branson about
Virgin America and "Air Colbert." At the end of the interview, Branson throws water on Stephen, who then retaliates. | |||||
304 | "None" | Thomas E. Ricks | "And after tonight, I'm off for two weeks. (Whispers) But don't tell my staff. (Normally) This is The Colbert Report." | August 23 | 3111 |
Stephen reviews the
Iraq War and
Dick Cheney's role in advocating it. He then interviews
Thomas E. Ricks about the war. Colbert then talks about his broken wrist and shows a documentary film entitled Fractured Freedom: The Colbert Colbert Story. He announces that several people had signed his cast, including
Nancy Pelosi,
Tim Russert,
Tony Snow,
Brian Williams,
Bill O'Reilly and
Michael Bloomberg. He then announces he will auction off his cast on
eBay for the
Yellow Ribbon Fund. Finally, Stephen's doctor, Dr. Jerald Vizzone, removes the cast. |
No. | " The Wørd" | Guest(s) | Introductory phrase | Original air date | Production code |
---|---|---|---|---|---|
305 | "Honor-Bound" | Bjørn Lomborg | "It's okay to wear white after Labor Day as long as it's between red and blue. This is The Colbert Report." | September 10 | 3112 |
Stephen gives a summary of events that has occurred during his break. He has been in
rehab, and after a court order, he announced he is over his painkiller addiction, although he was beaten up by
Amy Winehouse. In "The Wørd," he claims the best way to discuss the issue of leaving
Iraq is to use the word "honor." Colbert then announces his cast sold for $17,200 and shows a montage of celebrities signing it. Finally, Colbert interviews
Bjørn Lomborg on
climate change. The word that appears next to Colbert in the opening credits changes from "GOOD" to "GUTLY." | |||||
306 | "Southsourcing" | Katie Bruggeman, Garrison Keillor | (While gesturing) "This is the church, this is the steeple. Open the doors, get in there, you Atheists! This is The Colbert Report." | September 11 | 3113 |
Stephen talks about
Fred Thompson, and announces the start of his coverage of
Indecision 2008: Don't F%#k This Up America and tells the people how not to "F%#k up" the election. In "The Wørd," he talks about his support of American businesses moving to Mexico for cheap labor, and selling the products back in America. Colbert then interviews his executive assistant
Katie Bruggeman, who claims to be the preschool girlfriend of Sgt. Dave Karsnia, who arrested
Larry Craig. He then interviews
Garrison Keillor about his book
Pontoon. | |||||
307 | "Re-run" | Joel Klein | "Have you ever looked at a cloud and thought it looked like something else? Then stop smoking dope. This is The Colbert Report." | September 12 | 3114 |
The "Atone Phone" for Jews who have wronged Colbert is reintroduced. In "The Wørd," Colbert says it is a good idea for
MSNBC to play footage of their
9/11 coverage, and they should present re-runs of all their old news programs, so that when
President Bush leaves office, people will remember him as a hero. A new
Tek Jansen episode is broadcast. Colbert interviews
Joel Klein about paying students who get good grades. After the interview, Klein phones Stephen, saying he cheated on his interview. | |||||
308 | "None" | Father James Martin, Ed Begley, Jr., Viggo Mortensen | "The opinions expressed in this broadcast do not reflect those of Comedy Central, MTV Networks, or the Viacom Corporation...because they're all cowards. This is The Colbert Report." | September 13 | 3115 |
Stephen first talks about
Mother Teresa questioning the existence of God, thus claiming the Mother Teresa was not a good person. He then interviews Jesuit priest Father
James Martin on the subject. Colbert then talks about Wriststrong. He claims he has sold 19,000 bracelets. He also announces he passed a bracelet to
Bill O'Reilly. This brings back the segment Where in the World is Matt Lauer's Wriststrong Bracelet?, where
Matt Lauer is now wearing his bracelet. As Lauer was in
Iran at the time of the broadcast, Colbert suggests Lauer should give his bracelet to
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. He then interviews
Ed Begley, Jr. about the environment. Colbert mentions people wanting him to run for President, and says he would do so if there were a sign.
Viggo Mortensen appears suddenly to give a sword to his 'lord' Stephen, who comments that it would be a great letter opener. | |||||
309 | "Let My People Go" | Barry Manilow, Susan Sarandon | "I have had it up to here (points to chin)...also down to there (points to forehead), but in between...I'm good. This is The Colbert Report." | September 18 | 3116 |
Stephen begins by discussing the "Atone Phone" and his loss to
Tony Bennett at the
Emmy Awards.
Barry Manilow appears as Stephen's conscience to help him get over the loss. Colbert then discusses California possibly eliminating the "winner take all" aspect of the
Electoral College. In the "Difference Makers" segment, Ed Werbany, Jr. of Hilltop,
New Jersey is profiled for putting a patriotic
statue in front of his business. Finally, Colbert interviews
Susan Sarandon about her new film,
In the Valley of Elah, as well as her political beliefs. | |||||
310 | "Solitarity" | Naomi Wolf | "Sorry, egg fans, it's the chicken. End of argument. This is The Colbert Report." | September 19 | 3117 |
Stephen again begins by discussing the "Atone Phone" and complains that
Ed Asner has yet to call and apologize for disrespecting his Wriststrong
bracelet. Asner then calls and chastises Stephen. Next, Colbert talks about the recent incident in which a
University of Florida student was
tasered by
campus police at a
John Kerry speech. In the "
eco-conscious" edition of "Colbert Platinum," he discusses
yachts that are equipped to collect
environmental data for study, Clayoquot Wilderness Resort in
British Columbia, and
Louis Vuitton's "Tribute Patchwork" bag. Finally, Colbert interviews
Naomi Wolf about her belief that the United States is heading toward
fascism. | |||||
311 | "Market Forces" | Jeffrey Toobin | "Hey, Reading Rainbow! Stop promoting the homo-literate agenda. This is The Colbert Report." | September 20 | 3118 |
Once again, Colbert opens by discussing the "Atone Phone" and plays a message left by a rabbi in
Connecticut. He then briefly references the
University of Florida student being
tasered. Next, he talks about
Blackwater USA's license to operate in
Iraq being revoked. In the "Threatdown:" 5.
Salad! 4.
Slavic
Intercourse! 3.
El Chupacabra! 2. The Bingham Company! 1. Us! Colbert then interviews
Jeffrey Toobin about the
U.S. Supreme Court. Finally, in "The Craziest F#?king Thing I've Ever Heard" segment, Colbert mentions a restaurant in Tokyo, Japan that features
mayonnaise on everything. | |||||
312 | "Na Na-Na Na Na Na" | Thomas Friedman | "One small step for me, one giant leap for mekind. This is The Colbert Report." | September 24 | 3119 |
Stephen begins by talking about
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's visit to the United States. Next, he claims that the most important thing America can do is improve the morale of its troops, or rather one troop,
General Petraeus. In the "Alpha Dog of the Week" segment, Colbert talks about a man who was found not guilty of
indecent exposure while building bookshelves in the nude. He then talks about his dislike of the
metric system. He then interviews
Thomas Friedman about
foreign affairs and
insourcing. Finally, Colbert announces that over 40,000 Jews called the "Atone Phone" and plays some of the messages. | |||||
313 | "None" | K. David Harrison, John Grisham | "It's the thought that counts and so far...I'm up to zero. This is The Colbert Report." | September 25 | 3120 |
Stephen begrudgingly praises
The New York Times for giving
MoveOn.org a discount for their full-page "
General Betray Us" advertisement. He then discusses a study that claims half of the world's
languages are in danger of going extinct and interviews David Harrison on the subject. Next,
Indecision 2008: Don't F%#k This Up America focuses on
Rudy Giuliani's recent trip to England. In the "Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger" segment, Colbert tips his hat to
Muslim hipsters,
Palm Beach County, Florida, and the
Food and Drug Administration. Finally, Colbert interviews
John Grisham about his new book. | |||||
314 | "A Word From Our Sponsors" | Sam Waterston, Tony Bennett | "I'm living high on the hog, and let me tell you, hogs make a terrible foundation. This is The Colbert Report." | September 26 | 3121 |
Stephen begins by commenting on his
Emmy Award loss to
Tony Bennett and their mutual love of
Target. He then discusses the
Canadian dollar being worth more than the United States dollar. Colbert then comments on
iTunes not including
commercials in the various television shows they sell. Next, Colbert interviews
Sam Waterston about
Unity08. Finally, he interviews
Tony Bennett, who then performs "
They All Laughed" with Stephen. | |||||
315 | "Early Immunization" | David Schwartz | "The answer to tonight's sudoku is 123456789, not necessarily in that order. This is The Colbert Report." | September 27 | 3122 |
Stephen first talks about
Tutankhamun and the debate about whether he is black or white. He then talks about the
Democratic Party's recent debate on
MSNBC. In "The Wørd," he discusses the best way to improve the health care of children. In the "Wrist Watch" segment, Colbert announces Wriststrong bracelets are now being worn by
Neil Cavuto,
Larry King,
Adrian Grenier,
Seth Rogen and
Bill Clinton. Next, Colbert interviews
David Schwartz about campaign advertisements. Finally, Colbert finishes the show with a presidential advertisement from 1984 for
Ronald Reagan. |
No. | " The Wørd" | Guest(s) | Introductory phrase | Original air date | Production code |
---|---|---|---|---|---|
316 | "Evitable" | Charlie Savage | " New York Mets, congratulations on your record-setting season. This is The Colbert Report." | October 1 | 3123 |
Stephen expresses his concern about
Dennis Kucinich and the things he carries in his
pockets. He then discusses a recent
Senate amendment calling for
President Bush to call
Iran's
Revolutionary Guard a
terrorist organization. In the "Cheating Death with Dr. Colbert T. Colbert, DFA" segment, Colbert discusses
sleep science,
weight control and
men's health. Finally, Colbert interviews
Charlie Savage about presidential powers. | |||||
317 | "Troops Out Now" | John Mearsheimer | "Hey, penny loafers! Get to work and earn that money. This is The Colbert Report." | October 2 | 3124 |
Stephen briefly comments on a recent
USA Today article about the possible end of the
universe. He then discusses the feud between
Kanye West and
50 Cent, and compares it to his
upcoming book being released on the same day as
Paul Krugman's. Next, he talks about an article in
New Scientist that claims
parallel universes might exist, and "The Wørd" takes place in such a parallel universe featuring an opposite version of Stephen. Colbert introduces a new segment, "Nailed 'Em," that looks at
cybercrime; this segment features
Wi-Fi Piggybacking. Finally, Colbert interviews
John Mearsheimer about Israel's effect on U.S.
foreign policy. | |||||
318 | "None" | Dan Savage, Jim Lovell | "I may disagree with what you say, but I will fight to the death for my right to fight you to the death. This is The Colbert Report." | October 3 | 3125 |
Stephen corrects last night's statement that
Paul Krugman's book is being released on the same day as
his. He then complains about the
Senate passing a bill to extend
hate-crimes laws to homosexuals. He introduces a new segment, "The Gay Roundup," and interviews
Dan Savage. Next, Colbert names
President Bush his "Alpha Dog of the Week." In the "Monkey on the Lam" segment, he discusses a monkey in
Columbia, Missouri that bit two children in a local park and is now missing. Finally, Colbert interviews
Jim Lovell about the film,
In the Shadow of the Moon, as well as his experiences as an
astronaut. | |||||
319 | "Catastrophe" | John Kao | "I already picked out my Halloween costume. I'm going as a guy who's always right. This is The Colbert Report." | October 4 | 3126 |
Stephen briefly talks about wanting to see
Bigfoot dead. He then talks about
Fred Thompson and how to get a round of applause without asking for one. In "The Wørd," Colbert worries that the diplomatic peace negotiations in
North Korea may make people think that diplomacy works. In the "science and technology" edition of the "Threatdown:" 5.
Remote Control Toys! 4.
Hybrid cars! 3.
Sloppy Scientists! 2.
White chocolate! 1.
Robots! Colbert then interviews John Kao on how America is becoming less innovative. Finally, Colbert shows an advertisement for
I Am America (And So Can You!). | |||||
320 | "Medium Matters" | George Saunders | "It's Columbus Day, but I won't rest until all the state capitals are recognized. This is The Colbert Report." | October 8 | 3127 |
Stephen claims that
Columbus Day is the most Un-American holiday in existence, criticizing
Christopher Columbus for taking away jobs from American discoverers. He then advertises
I Am America (And So Can You!), and attacks
Pope Benedict XVI for releasing his biography, written for children, on the same day. In "The Wørd," he claims that it is right to attack print media, but wrong to attack radio. In "Stephen Colbert's Balls for Kidz," he talks about the
State Children's Health Insurance Program (SCHIP). Finally, Colbert interviews
George Saunders about political
commentators. | |||||
321 | "Mighty Duck" | Stephen Colbert | "The following anger has been formatted to fit your television screen. This is The Colbert Report." | October 9 | 3128 |
Stephen celebrates the release of
I Am America (And So Can You!). Next, he complains that
Ronald Reagan isn't on any
U.S. coin, and discusses upcoming changes to the
penny. He then talks about the
Justice Department allowing harsher treatment of alleged
terrorists. Next, he discusses
Barack Obama not wearing a
U.S. flag pin on his
lapel. Finally, Colbert interviews
Stephen Colbert about his
new book. | |||||
322 | "Americon Dream" | Wesley Clark | " Kraft Foods, I'd make a great pasta shape. This is The Colbert Report." | October 10 | 3129 |
Stephen again talks about the items in
Dennis Kucinich's pockets and demands he come on the show and empties them. He then puts Kucinich on notice and announces that Kucinich accepted his challenge and will appear on October 15. Next, Colbert comments on
prison overcrowding. In the "Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger" segment, Colbert wags his finger at
Bruce Springsteen,
Molson Coors and
SABMiller, and tips his hat to French youths. Finally, Colbert interviews
Wesley Clark about the
Iraq War and his new book. | |||||
323 | "None" | Frank Gaffney, Chris Jordan | "This'll get the fight song right out of your head. (Sings) By Mennen. This is The Colbert Report." | October 11 | 3130 |
Stephen talks about
Fox & Friends' "guy who's not
Steve Doocy,"
Brian Kilmeade. He then discusses Tuesday's
Republican presidential candidate debate, and whether the President needs
Congressional approval to attack
Iran. He interviews
Frank Gaffney about companies that do business with
Iran. In the "Colbert Platinum: Kidz Edition" segment, Colbert discusses children buying art, Posh Tots and Pint Size Paparazzi. Finally, Colbert interviews Chris Jordan about his photography. | |||||
324 | "Enviro-medal Disaster" | Dennis Kucinich, Paul Glastris | "An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough. This is The Colbert Report." | October 15 | 3131 |
In the "Who's Honoring Me Now" segment, Colbert praises
Marie Claire for listing
I Am America (And So Can You!) as one of their "7 Things To Get Excited About." In the "Who's NOT Honoring Me Now" segment, Colbert complains about being snubbed for a Nobel Prize and that
Al Gore keeps winning awards instead of him. In "By The Pocket's Red Scare – Is that a
socialist
welfare state in your pocket or are you just trying to destroy America?,"
Dennis Kucinich appears and empties his pockets, per Stephen's challenge last week. Finally, Colbert interviews
Paul Glastris about
college rankings. | |||||
325 | "None" | Jeff Greenfield, Bob Drogin | "The following program was supposed to contain scenes of brief nudity. Thanks a lot, network. This is The Colbert Report." | October 16 | 3132 |
Stephen briefly talks about an advertisement in
USA Today for
CNN's documentary,
Planet in Peril. In
Indecision 2008: Don't F%#k This Up, America, he discusses
Republican presidential candidate
Fred Thompson's lack of appearances in
New Hampshire, and his own appearance on
The Daily Show earlier in the day. Colbert then announces his candidacy for President of the United States and interviews
Jeff Greenfield about what his candidacy means. Next, he discusses
Democratic presidential candidate
Hillary Clinton's mention of him in one of her campaign speeches. Finally, Colbert interviews Bob Drogin about his book,
Curveball. | |||||
326 | "None" | Garry Kasparov | "You might want to add water because this show is concentrated truth. This is The Colbert Report." | October 17 | 3133 |
Stephen discusses his presidential campaign and the media's reaction to the announcement. He then fills out the necessary paperwork to run in the
South Carolina
Republican and
Democratic
presidential primaries. The two-year anniversary edition of the "Threatdown:" 5. Canada! 4. Food! 3. Toys! 2.
Robots! 1. Bears! Finally, Colbert interviews
Garry Kasparov about his book, How Life Imitates Chess. | |||||
327 | "None" | Anderson Cooper, Craig Newmark | " Error 404. Introduction to show not found. This is The Colbert Report." | October 18 | 3134 |
Stephen introduces a new segment, "War on Halloween," and talks about how nature is fighting
Halloween due to a failure in pumpkin crops. He then interviews
Anderson Cooper about it,
climate change in general, and
CNN's
Planet in Peril. Colbert then announces that his campaign will now be known as "The Hail to the Cheese Stephent Colbert Nacho Cheese
Doritos 2008 Presidential Campaign." He also announces he has a new website for his campaign, Colbert08.org. After finding out he can't use a
corporate sponsorship to fund his campaign, he uses it fund the show, with the segment being retitled "The Hail to the Cheese Stephent Colbert Nacho Cheese
Doritos 2008 Presidential Campaign Coverage." He then interviews
Craig Newmark about
Craigslist. Finally, Colbert unveils his latest portrait. | |||||
328 | "Absinthetinence" | Richard Berman | (Playing Peekaboo) "Hey babies, where did I go?" (Uncovers face) "This is The Colbert Report." | October 29 | 3135 |
Stephen talks about his presidential campaign and
John McCain's recent comments about
Osama bin Laden. Next, he discusses a
USA Today Infographic, claiming it will be the last one they publish because it was about U.S. streets being named after candy. He then discourages young people from drinking
absinthe. In the "Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger" segment, Colbert tips his hat to
The New York Times and wags his finger at "
gay wizards" and
neuroscientists. He then talks to
Richard Berman about consumer freedom. Finally, Colbert congratulates the
Boston Red Sox for beating the
Colorado Rockies in the
World Series, thereby punishing them for trying to trademark the word "Rocktober." The word that appears next to Colbert in the opening credits changes from "GUTLY" to "WARRIOR-POET." | |||||
329 | "None" | Massie Ritsch, Craig Venter | "The following anger is based on a true story. This is The Colbert Report." | October 30 | 3136 |
Stephen briefly talks about
Barack Obama turning down
Brad Pitt's offer to help his presidential campaign. This segues into "The Hail to the Cheese Stephent Colbert Nacho Cheese
Doritos 2008 Presidential Campaign Coverage" and how his campaign may have violated
federal election law. He then interviews Massie Ritsch about campaign finance. In the "Earth Attacks: Defeating The Enviro-menace" segment, Colbert discusses the
California wildfires, the
Georgia droughts, the
Great Pacific garbage patch, and
green burials. Finally, Colbert interviews
Craig Venter about decoding his own
genome. | |||||
330 | "Job Description" | Lawrence Wilkerson | (Mimicking The Crypt Keeper) "This show is filmed in front of a dead studio audience. This is The Col-scare Report." | October 31 | 3137 |
Stephen complains about
Halloween and talks about the items he's giving
trick-or-treaters. In the "Democra-SEE Democra-DO" segment, he discusses recent elections in
Argentina and Poland. Colbert then confirms that he officially entered the
Democratic Primary for President of the United States in
South Carolina. Next, he mentions
Barack Obama challenging him to a "
grit-off." In the "Monkey on the Lam: Lobster Edition" segment, Colbert talks about a group of
lobsters that escaped from a supermarket in Germany. Finally, Colbert interviews
Lawrence Wilkerson about the
War in Iraq. |
No. | " The Wørd" | Guest(s) | Introductory phrase | Original air date | Production code |
---|---|---|---|---|---|
331 | "None" | Walter Kirn | "I'm more American than apple pie. I'm like apple pie with a hot dog in it...sexy. This is The Colbert Report." | November 1 | 3138 |
Stephen briefly discusses
WWE
action figures. In "The Hail to the Cheese Stephent Colbert Nacho Cheese
Doritos 2008 Presidential Campaign Coverage," he talks about his
campaign and shows footage of a campaign stop in
South Carolina. He discusses his attempts to woo the
South Carolina Democratic Party to get on the ballot, but is informed that he will not be able to appear on the ballot as a
Democrat. Finally, Colbert interviews
Walter Kirn about
multitasking. |
There were no further episodes produced in November due to the 2007–08 Writers Guild of America strike.
There were no episodes produced in December due to the 2007–08 Writers Guild of America strike.